Ellyn Bell's Blog

There are a million messages around you every day beckoning you to do better, compete harder, work longer, be more________(you fill in the blank), buy more stuff to get you there, and remain positive, despite how you really feel.

Plus, there are the additional pressures of work, family, friends, mates, and yes, of course, your own mind. How can you stay on top of all of these things and keep abreast of what is actually going on in the world around you?

How can you stay on top of all of these things and lead a quality, fruitful, basically happy existence?

Well, in all honesty, it is difficult. But the good news is that it is possible. Learning how to stay positive is something that can be cultivated!

Learning to shift your energy, and your thinking, can lighten your mood and your burdens and ground you firmly in your unique strength.

This ultimate guide will combine all the factors you need to show you the way home to a stronger, happier you.  However, it requires a certain fortitude to take on the challenge of negative messaging, whether internally or externally driven.

Shall we begin?

PHASE 1: Understand the Challenge















What’s going on with all this negativity?

We are living in unprecedented times where the blurred lines and spun up excuses are hard to reckon. There’s much to be said about the negativity that surrounds us daily in a world connected through the dotted line of social media and soundbites forgotten as quickly as they arrived. This crazy-making is affecting all of us whether we know it or not. And it’s a part of the challenge we face in living a more fulfilling life.

But before we embark upon solutions, we start by looking at ourselves and our role in it all.

All humans are survivors of some thing or another. All humans are also perpetrators of some kind of negativity too.

Whether it is abuse, neglect, unkindness, bullying, or some other trauma; all of us have survived and overcome hardship and difficulties. Even people that decide to behave terribly have survived trauma. They’ve just made choices, as we all do, to heal or remain stuck in destructive or unhealthy patterns.

Choosing to heal doesn’t mean that things fall into place easily or quickly though, nor does it mean that positivity is a given. It’s a process that ebbs and flows over a lifetime with plateaus and valleys, interspersed with peak moments of great progress. Healing is the day to day choices you make that honor your values, feed your soul, and celebrate the ones you love.

But you have to train your mind, like potty-training a puppy, in order to remember these choices on a daily basis. It will happen over time, but there will always be relapses and mistakes.

I know when I’m choosing negativity, as I’m sure you do too. I choose to be negative in a thousand little ways that blindside me on a regular basis from muttering curses at the radio when certain people are speaking, indulging in silent rage and witholding forgiveness, rolling my eyes behind someone’s back or maybe just something as simple as ignoring someone I don’t think important enough to acknowledge.

More importantly though, it’s the derogatory self-talk, internal shaming, comparisons to others and the overwhelm of self-defeating thinking that really takes me down a bad path.

Hopefully, if you are reading this, you’re already aware enough to be reflective and honest with yourself. We all engage in this type of thinking, but you’re 5 steps ahead if you know it!

Neither I nor you are ever going to be free of all negativity and its sneaky ways of pulling us down, but we can learn to work with it, shift it, acknowledge it and keep moving forward. You can turn negativity into a tool that helps you with your mind. You can turn it into a different kind of lens for viewing and understanding the world around you.

Negativity given a little love and understanding can become empathy.

How science equips us with the ability to find answers

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that “Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only change forms.” This has always been comforting to me, as it means that we have many chances to get it right.

It also means that despite all the ways we fall apart and mess things up, mother nature is in control and it’s ultimately up to her. We just change and shift forms in relationship to a force bigger than ourselves.

In the last 20 years amazing research has come forward in the field of neuroscience. Bessel van der Kolk, MD, in The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma offers some of the most significant information to date on how the brain works, especially in relation to processing trauma. The book explains the causes and consequences of trauma and how people can heal by using the neuroplasticity (the ability of the brain to form and/or reorganize synaptic connections), as a means of activating new pathways to healing. We’ll explore some of those means in a following section.

The roots of trauma, acknowledged or unacknowledged, create a “profound disconnection” described by Peter Levine in Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. This sense of disconnection to ourselves, others and the earth leave us unable to trust and know what or how we feel, and what is actually going on within ourselves.

“Without a clear connection to our instincts and feelings,we cannot feel our sense of connection and belonging to this earth, to a family, or anything else.”





Peter Levine
Waking the Tiger, 1997

Trauma affects the integrity and well-being of an organism when there are perceived or real threats of danger. Complex trauma occurs when a person experiences multiple traumatic exposures or events that happen over a period of time that create layers of biological impact upon the body and mind. What makes it complex is not only the layers of traumatic experience endured and the coping mechanisms created, but how the numerous survival responses negatively impact a person’s health and well-being.

The good news here is that each of our bodies is also equipped with the superpower of homeostasis. Simply put, this superpower helps your body and mind calibrate naturally and maintain equilibrium. When something occurs that increases your heart rate and breathing, homeostasis kicks in to bring you back to normal. Homeostasis works without you trying or making any effort.

We also know through recent research that trauma affects generations of related people, as humans can carry trauma endured by previous generations in our genetic make-up. This knowledge helps us understand why it is sometimes so difficult to overcome patterns that have been existent in our families for generations.

Additionally, there is also societal trauma where whole groups of people are affected by oppression and mistreatment. In response, a kind of hyper-vigilant state becomes a way of life, and people carry a high degree of various coping mechanisms to deal with this sense of negativity and despair. To a greater or lesser degree, we are all affected by the influence of societal trauma, dependent upon what we have endured.

The pain that’s around us affects us, so in order to deal with an increasingly negative, and often scary world, we have to build new ways, internally and externally, to heighten our awareness. We have to use all the science and research available to help us pave the way for more connection and greater health.

We’re all walking around in a world of hurt.

PHASE 2: Encounter the Obstacles

Below is a list of 18 potential negativity builders divided into two categories of lifestyle habits and thinking habits. Each one will have a little description and a question to ask yourself to see if it fits for you.

1. Unhealthy lifestyle habits:

This includes anything that might feel good in the moment but makes you feel bad later on. It could be excessive drinking, drug use, over-partying of any type, going home with strangers for sex, and binges of food, shopping, and pretty much anything you can think of that I haven’t mentioned.

Another type of an unhealthy lifestyle habit is distraction enhancers. These distraction enhancers include being constantly plugged into electronics, social media, email, constant working, movies, and anything else used to avoid feeling. The entertainment and media could be positive or negative, what matters is how it’s used to distract from feeling or as a tool to numb out.

Question yourself: What types of unhealthy lifestyle habits do you have that you want to change?

2. Behavior that gets you nowhere:

These behaviors take you down a spiral that looks like righteous indignation in the beginning, but usually turns into something more ugly.

 Dishonesty with yourself and others Addiction to a heightened state of rage or intensity, aka drama addiction Blaming others for things you’re uncomfortable with, or projecting your wrongdoing on someone else to make you feel betterRushing around and not paying attentionPlaying the victim and all types of “poor me”Tough talk to pump yourself up at someone else’s expenseOverreacting before examining the situation (also falls under unnecessary drama)Reinforcing negative talk and gossiping about others; spreading rumorsForcing the fake face

Everyone gets involved with these behaviors at some time or another. It’s part of being a human. The challenge is to know when you’re engaging in negative thinking or behaviors. We all judge, we project our perceived inadequacies onto others, and we can be pretty ugly, but do we know it when we’re doing it. Can we change it if we want?

Sometimes these behaviors get rewarded by the state of the world we live in. Nevertheless, in time they will drain your character and diminish your soul. Better to know them and deal with them as they arise.

Question yourself: Which of these behaviors do you struggle with the most?

3. Unhelpful things you tell yourself:

This is the section that I struggle with the most, as it’s a habit from childhood with which I’ve grown accustomed. In adulthood, I’ve had to train myself to see it as it arises. Many of you may have the same experience.

I think of this as the “What About Bob?” syndrome. (The hysterically funny movie from the 90’s about an anxious neurotic man who follows his psychiatrist on vacation in order to alleviate his anxiety symptoms and winds up healing himself at his doctor’s expense.)

When you’re caught up in anxiety or feeling the onset of a panic attack, you’re unable to focus on anything else. Your body goes into complete survival mode and your mind goes along for the ride. In this type of state, you’re unable to see things clearly.

If you’re in an anxiety cycle that lasts for days, or months, then you become physically and mentally exhausted. Sometimes this cycle takes you right into a depression. Once you’re in one of these cycles, it is difficult to remember when you were not in it. Everything is a blur and your thoughts become extremely dark and limiting. In fact, you might not remember ever feeling good.

Sometimes negative thoughts take you into one of these cycles and sometimes those thoughts become the result of the cycle. Either way, your thoughts soon become the major problem.

These automatic negative thoughts get in the way of experiencing life fully. My daughter, who also struggles with anxiety, calls them “unwelcome thoughts”. They’re also called “intrusive thoughts” as they come upon you in such a shocking way.

Claire Weekes was one of the first people to ever put these scary, disturbing thoughts into perspective for me in her book, More Help For Your Nerves. My twenties were so absorbed in anxiety, depression and the recurrence of intrusive thinking that I thought I was going mad. Claire Weekes probably saved my life. I carried her little paperback around with me everywhere until I was no longer afraid of my mind.

There are other challenges of thinking too. Constant self-criticism, self-deprecating in order to be accepted by others, over-thinking things, and either/or types of thinking severely limit you and turn the mind into a negative dwelling place.  Catastrophizing and hypochondria also fall into this category.

Learning to overcome the pattern of negative thinking is an act of bravery. I say this because in order to do so, you must really get to know, accept and have compassion for your mind. If you learn to face your personal darkness with grace, there is no manner of fear that can take you down.

It’s important to note that if you suffer from automatic negative thinking of any kind, it may be as a result of complex trauma or post traumatic stress disorder. Please do not minimize your symptoms but seek assistance. So much more information and assistance are available these days than in prior decades.

Question yourself: In what ways do you experience negative thinking?

4. The snare of self-importance or the pit of self-defeat, (either way it’s a trap):

Living in a world hellbent on getting ahead regardless of who gets left behind, you can see how it’s easy to fall into one of two traps. The trap of self-importance is really the societal blossoming and encouraging of narcissism. The trap of self-defeat is bitterness and rage.

How you live, how you raise your children, how you conduct yourself and learn civility are all vitally important. If you live and conduct yourself without ethics, principles, or even just basic good manners, then you risk thinking you’re above others, and above societal norms of behavior.

Similarly, if you feel overwhelmed and see a bleak future, then you risk allowing yourself to be defeated by life, and think your actions and behaviors are insignificant.

All of us fall into both of these traps now and then, but the way out is to recognize it and do something about it.

Have a good laugh with your humanness, and recognize the choices you make on a daily basis.

Question yourself: What trap do you most often fall into, and how do you get out?

PHASE 3: Gather Your Resources

Now that you’ve taken a good look at how a negative mindset affects you, it’s time to switch gears and figure out how to live a happy and positive life, despite it all. These tips to stay positive are also divided into lifestyle habits and thinking habits.

1. Lifestyle habits that’ll make you smile:

Things habits can cleanse your body, mind, spirit, and if regularly practiced and can help you feel great. 

Eat healthy whenever you can. (It really does help.)Get enough sleep.Set boundaries on your time spent watching television, news, video games and other distractions.Have a regular routine that you stick to most days.Slow down. Practice letting cars ahead of you in traffic. Slow down when you see a yellow light. Walk slower. Look around. Pay attention to what’s going on around you. This is the birth of mindfulness.Becoming more mindful basically just means that you practice seeing, listening and noticing. If you practice slowing down, you can begin cultivating a mindfulness practice. It’s not a big deal, but it has big results and anyone can do it.Breathe deeply whenever you think of it. Practice reminding yourself to take a deep breath before reacting to anything.Get physical exercise of some sort regularly.Exercise your mind and learn something new daily. Curiosity is contagious and the more questions you ask, the more you’ll want to know.

There are numerous other activities and habits that can bolster your outlook and mood, thereby increasing your positive energy output.

As a practitioner of yoga for over 20 years, and an instructor for 10, I love the impact of yoga in my life. I’m not a great one for practicing traditional meditation though, so I find other ways to have a meditative practice including sitting every morning with a cup of coffee in silence before I begin my day or taking a long walk in the evening, noticing birds and trees.

Having a basic daily routine which includes hygiene, sustenance and preparing yourself for the day ahead will take you miles toward staying positive when you encounter setbacks. Having a routine is the key, but if you fall out of it, just start over.

Question yourself: What lifestyle habits do you practice regularly? What ones could you add?

2. Connect to people and activities that increase your energy:

It’s easy to have contact with people, but ultimately lonely and unsatisfying if those connections lack depth. Forming authentic connections is not always easy but those connections, when made, will greatly enhance your wellbeing and energy.  

Hanging out with hopeful, energetic people doesn’t mean you’re never down. On the contrary, it means that you can feel a whole range of emotional states without judgment or shame. Being able to show vulnerability and feel safe is a hallmark of relationships with genuinely optimistic people. It’s not a pollyanna state of fakeness and “everything is so great”, instead it’s a practice where judgment, shame, and ridicule are not encouraged to take up space. Authentically hopeful people know when they’re being unkind, and they own it right away.

Limiting contact with those people in your life that drain you will also be helpful. Additionally, it’s vital to connect with activities that increase your wellbeing. Here are a few ideas:

Give and receive hugs (with those you want to hug)Physical contact, including massageSpend time in natureSpend time with animalsLaugh more often, and laugh at yourself tooEncourage othersShare strugglesPractice being kind to everyonePractice listening intently and quiz yourself later on what you heardLive with virtue

Question yourself: Who in your life is an authentic connection? How many activities to increase wellbeing have you engaged in today?

3. Hold yourself accountable, but be kind too:

You are the only one who really knows your mind and so it’s a better all the way around if you befriend it. Befriending your mind isn’t necessarily an easy process though, especially if you’ve been warring with yourself off and on over a lifetime.

Below are a few tips for being kind to your mind while still holding yourself accountable for your responsibilities and goals.

Practice shifting your focus when your mind falls into a negative trapAssume the best in a situationPractice self compassion when you screw upLearn to take criticismAcknowledge when you get defensiveMake your home a positive environment that nourishes your spiritDo things that challenge your comfort zonePractice acceptanceBe honest with youHave a beginner’s mind or in other words, be curious in all thingsList your strengths and challengesSet boundaries with your time and energyGive grace to yourself and others

Challenge yourself: Pick 5-6 things from the above list to practice regularly.

4. Find the divine:

This strategy is perhaps the most personal and the most significant for each of us. You’ll need to find the best way for yourself to connect with something bigger than yourself. Whatever you call that loving force that permeates our world, catch it’s coattails and hang on!

Connect with those things that bring you into a state of flow and joy. Play music, sing, pray, move your body, run, meditate—do those brilliant things that make you happy to be alive.

Create a small ritual to begin your day. Get into the habit of saying “thank you” often, even if no one is around, just say thank you to the space that surrounds you. A million sounds of thanks echoing through the ethers can only help this world!

Celebrate your life, and in the process understand that what you honor grows and expands. Let your celebration encompass others and create a positive social impact with the simplicity of your presence.

Question yourself: What is one new thing you can do to enhance your connection to something bigger than yourself.

5. Hug your shadow:

For many years I ran from my shadow, but it always had an uncanny way of catching up with me and throwing me to the ground. Now, I choose to know that shadow and love it regardless. When it sneaks up on me, I know there is something I need to pay attention to, or maybe I need to be a little kinder to myself.

You’re not going to be happy all the time no matter how positive you choose to live. But the point is that you choose. If you are worn out from the freakiness of the world we live in, exhausted from working too much or too hard, feel overwhelmed by your responsibilities, or struggling with other personal, professional or relational challenges, then you are vulnerable to some subtle or not so subtle shadow sabotage.

When sabotaged by your shadow, take a deep breath, look at it squarely and try to understand the message it offers. Take off the glasses of fear that limit your vision and see what you need to see. From that place, all foreboding darkness loses its grip on you.

It is quite fine to be inadequate sometimes.

It’s okay to mess up, make mistakes and look ridiculous too.

Feeling pain will not kill you, so when it comes to visit you, don’t push it away.

Habits of mind, like all habits, can be changed.

Shadows, when examined, are not so frightening.

Question yourself: What shadows are you avoiding that need acknowledging?

6. Feed your soul some good nourishment

I love to dance. It always helps to dance when my spirits are low. But sometimes the best thing for me is the thing I avoid the most in those moments of low energy.

To keep up positivity, do those things that nurture your wellbeing. Some of my favorites are listed below, but make your own list of nourishing activities to remind yourself during those more difficult times.

Take a nap.Cuddle up with a book that you love, maybe one that makes you hopeful or happy.Dance in your living room.Take a class and learn something new.

 

PHASE 4: Joy to the world is a little action, every day

Like the flight attendants always say, “put your own mask on first…” But of course, once you’ve helped yourself, you can help others. These tips to stay positive are meant to help you be the best person that you can be, and if you do that, then you are poised to do the work needed of you in the world.

Recently, I spent an entire afternoon in the US Holocaust Memorial Museum. Hundreds of people moved through the exhibits in relative silence, as if facing off with evil to ensure the triumph of goodness. At one exhibit, I shared space with another woman reading the story of a young girl who survived a concentration camp and her small acts of defiance that kept her alive. We finished reading at the same time and looked up, locking tearful eyes for just a second. A brief moment of two souls uniting in both horror and hope is one not easily forgotten. We are all connected. We lose our way when we forget.

It’s not whether or not you encounter the negative, the painful, your own suffering, the suffering of others– you will. It’s how you encounter these things that help you stay positive in a negative world. Do battle with your own demons, whatever they are, and then focus your sites outside of yourself to a world of others that need you. You don’t have to fix anything or anyone, you just show up and ask, “How can I help?”  What you have to offer is unique and necessary. It’s the small acts of goodness and kindness that make the most difference, and they have a cumulative effect.

Understand the privileges you have because of where you live, who you were born to, what you look like, your age, gender, ethnicity and education. It’s all relative though and always changing. Being aware helps you understand this.

Acknowledging privilege is not meant to shame, although it gets a bad rap because it’s often used in such a way.  Acknowledging privilege comes with a responsibility to those who don’t have the same privileges. It’s awareness and action. We all carry privilege in some ways and not in other ways, so be responsible with the power you hold and know how it affects others, but don’t trip out. There’s a fine line between being sensitive and being fragile.

Joy is a defiant state of being. It isn’t easily minimized and it laughs in the face of hate and fear. You can’t capture it either. You just have to jump into it with both feet and let it take you. It will, and you too, will join its ever-present, but elusive brigade.

Drop your cynicism, and all your other isms that hold you apart from the “other”, whoever they may be. Ours is a world that need heroines and heroes willing to stand together despite differences for the sake of a healthier world.

Make your energy and spirit count for something positive, and may you live it boldly.

The post How to Stay Positive in an (Increasingly!) Negative World: The Ultimate Guide appeared first on Live the Courageous Life.

Photo by Nina Strehl on Unsplash

What’s wrong with being nice? Isn’t this something that you were taught at a young age, and the generally accepted advice passed down generationally; “Now, be nice!”?

But then again, there’s the old axiom, “Nice guys finish last.” Maybe. But why does “nice” not work? Isn’t it better to be a nice person than a mean person? Hands down, yes, of course it is. But being nice often comes from a place that is not sincere within us, and therein lies the crux of the challenge.

Can you remember a time when you were screwed over by someone who was really nice to your face, but behind your back was ruthlessly unkind? That person could be a co-worker, a partner, a boss or an employee, it doesn’t matter. The insincerity and judgment of these folks cost you something. But they always seemed so nice, you mused afterward.

Have you ever found yourself saying yes, when the answer should’ve been no? Saying yes to the cheating spouse who wants back in your life, or the salesperson who really needs to sell you something you don’t need, or bending over backward for people who don’t appreciate you or even thank you?

If so, then you’ve found yourself being nice at the expense of your dignity, time and energy.

The Highly Sensitive Dilemma

If you are a highly empathic person, you are also likely a sensitive person. You are sensitive in a way that is attuned to the emotions of others, able to read a room well, intuitive, and generally able to feel the pain of another with compassion.

Ideally, a highly empathic person learns how to distinguish their own emotions and feelings from those of the people around them, and is thus able to experience compassion without over identifying with others. This is often something that has to be learned by knowing oneself and creating effective boundaries.

Judith Orloff, MD, an expert on empaths and highly sensitive people states that all highly empathic people are highly sensitive, but all highly sensitive people, (HSPs), are not necessarily empaths. She offers an empathy continuum and an empathy quiz. Check it out to see where you are on the continuum.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empaths-survival-guide/201706/the-differences-between-highly-sensitive-people-and-empaths

However, there is also popular wisdom out there that makes highly sensitive people seem fragile. In this worldview, the veil of “being sensitive” masks a kind of hyper-sensitivity that is often judgmental, passive aggressive, and easily offended. This view of the highly sensitive person is diametrically opposed to work of empathy or the truly empathic person.

Once I was at a meeting of colleagues from various communities. During the informal lunch, I made an offhand comment about a national political figure and used the word “bitch” as a prefix to his name. (It was a male politician.) When the meeting resumed, one of the women in the room took a moment to publicly state that my use of the term “bitch” during lunch had greatly offended her, and was indeed offensive to all women. (Uh, I am a woman too.)

I was so so shocked, shamed, and a bit humiliated, that I only replied, “Okay, I’m sorry about that.” On the way home, I was seething, thinking of all the things I could’ve said. In short, I felt there was no appropriate reply to such a passive aggressive, hyper-sensitive statement. Her righteousness was most important in that moment. Maybe that is why the politically correct get labelled as snowflakes.

Empathic people do not publicly shame others. Righteousness and empathy are mutually exclusive.

Truly sensitive people are sensitive enough to understand the effect of their behavior upon others.

I’m sure that woman will be nice to me the next time she sees me. She will be nice in a way that belies a hostility underneath. A smile on her face, and a pleasant “how are you?”, but the eyes and the body language will tell the truth. She may be nice, but she will not be kind.

Trapped in a Fear-Based State of Mind

When you feel a need to be nice, to please, to fawn over, or to make peace at all costs, these urges usually come from a place of fear. What are you afraid of? Rejection? Loss of love? Loss of approval?

First, identify the fear. What are you so fiercely protecting yourself from?

For me, it is usually fear of rejection and/or fear of being excluded from the tribe, whether that be family, relationship or work related.

A good friend of mine told me about a time that she was so desperate to have the love and affection of her alcoholic boyfriend that she went running after his car when he left her house after an argument. She followed him all the way home calling him and begging him to come back. Fortunately, she was later able to identify the irrational fears motivating her, and stop the crazy-making behaviors.

When you feel a need to be nice in order to get your needs met, then you are operating out of fear.

Now, this doesn’t mean you’re not going to be afraid. As a highly empathic person, you will most certainly be afraid. All people, no matter who they are struggle with fear. It’s just that you want to teach yourself to operate from your compassion, inclusive of compassion toward yourself—and not from your fear.

The late Chogyam Trungpa, in his book, Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior, says that the definition of bravery is not being afraid of yourself. He teaches that you can be both heroic and kind. In becoming brave, you face yourself and what scares you. You move toward your fear with compassion, which allows you to uplift the existence of others and their unique experiences without judgment too.

When you’re afraid, you are in a state of selfishness. In the smallness of selfishness, you are the antithesis of brave. I’ve often thought that everything ugly in me comes from a place of fear. Fear creates a barrier to any kind of compassion. It’s a giant wall when it takes over your mind.

So first step, identify the fear. Secondly, acknowledge it and move toward it with all the empathy and compassion that you would show a loved one.

Niceness is the Mask; Kindness is the Face Behind It

Thirdly, ditch the need to be nice. It does not serve your best interest.

Niceness, as mentioned above, is externally motivated. It’s defined as being pleasing, agreeable, and likable. Nothing wrong about that. The question is, once again, the motivation behind it.

Think about the customer service representative who repeatedly calls you “ma’am,”while the tone of their voice is dripping with disdain and intolerance. The appearance is polite, but the intent behind it it is anything but polite.

That’s an easy one, but the examples are numerous. Niceness is a clever mask that people either wear very convincingly or not well at all. The point is that it is inauthentic. The external motivation might be any number of things, but niceness is usually employed to meet the needs of the person being nice.

Kindness, on the other hand, is internally motivated. Kindness requires empathy, and creates a sense of connection to another. When you’re kind, you are metaphorically able to step into another person’s shoes, and offer your genuine attention.

Simply speaking, being nice often comes from a selfish or fearful place, while kindness is brave.

When you’re brave, then you are acting in compassion toward yourself and others. You are allowing yourself to live a life with empathy at the helm.

Empathy is a Superpower, But Not What You Think

There’s much more talk of empathy these days, which is a good thing, because the world is sadly lacking it on so many levels. Even in grade schools, there are empathy education programs to help calm and regulate student’s behaviors. These advances are great, as they build the empathy quotient in our society.

But as with all advances, there is a risk that something really good becomes just another “buzz word” that we toss around until it loses its meaning.

Years ago, before anyone in social services was talking about empathy, I worked with an 11 year old boy in juvenile detention. We were having a discussion about some of his challenging behaviors that got in his way. At one point in the discussion, he offered up an idea that was both insightful and conscientious. He was brainstorming ways to make things better. I said to him, “What you’re describing is called empathy.”

He looked at me, and then repeated the word as if it were a sacred mantra or a prayer; “empathy.” And then he said what I will never forget, for it is etched in my brain as one of those moments where one bears witness to the blossoming of another’s heart. He very solemnly said, “Can you tell me more about empathy?”

A light turned on for him, and he was on a quest. That boy is grown now, and I hope that he has carried the quest for practicing empathy with him through the years.

The discipline of empathy is its superpower.

Your personal empathy quotient, even as a highly empathic person, can grow or shrink depending on how you work with it. Like the Grinch’s heart, empathy is not a static thing.

Empathy is action/motion/movement/practice. Its superpower is in the moment of connection. It is as though it comes through us as gift and presence. It is not ours to own, but ours to pass on.

Empathy practiced with humility, patience and kindness holds a great power for personal, as well as social change.

What do “Eat Your Wheaties” and “Love Your Neighbor” have in Common?

Jon Cohen, one of the wisest people I’ve ever known, used to sign his emails, “Stay strong and pay close attention.”

I particularly love this idea because being a highly empathic person in this current state of divisiveness and untruths is difficult and you must remain strong. There are too many temptations to zone out and shut down. It would be much easier to hide in the solitary confinement of your introverted nature.

But you are not a wimpy package of softness staring at your own fragile image too afraid to face reality. No. As a highly empathic person, you can learn to act from a place of strength and kindness. It is necessary.

So what do “eat your wheaties’ and “love your neighbor” have in common? One asks that you strengthen yourself, and the other asks that you reach out to others in strength. But both ask of you a fortitude that requires discipline.

It is that particular brand of strength that the world is craving.

Bring the Best You Forward

Our noblest leaders are empathic. Our better angels operate from kindness. But both need the superpower of empathic discipline to be effective.

Empathy actually creates numerous possibilities with not only personal, but global implications. Some of those possibilities include :

curiosity about those who are different from you.
a willingness to suspend or challenge your beliefs.
a willingness to ask questions, and actively listen for the answers.
a practice of becoming accountable to yourself and others.
a commitment to respect: no name-calling; challenge your assumptions; be willing to be wrong once in awhile.
the ability to step into another’s world with respect and awe for what they know and do.

Building character is a team sport. Empathy is part of the cure for the alienation that plagues us as a society. It is foundational for creating community.

So take the responsibility of being a highly empathic person by the mantle. Delve deeply into its meaning for your life, and swallow its light into your being. There is an inner strength that will continue to grow as you do. These are revolutionary acts of love.

The world always needs the bravery and service of all who are willing and able. Highly empathic people must pave the way. You see what needs to be seen, and you can learn to act on your best instincts, tempered with the gift of altruism.

Empathy is a critical piece of the kindness continuum. You can’t be truly kind without empathy, and empathy is hollow without the action of kindness. They need each other.

Place a boundary on being nice, and just get really real with yourself. Dig a little deeper and find that place where compassion resides. Let your truth come forth, but with genuine empathy and kindness.

The world needs highly empathic leaders. The world needs you.

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The post Why Being Nice Will Always Fail for Highly Empathic People appeared first on Live the Courageous Life.

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This year you didn’t bother with resolutions for the new year. Why should you? Last year, you made them but didn’t follow them for even a month. You didn’t make the changes you needed to then, and now it seems so much more difficult.

The plans you made to leave the bad relationship, get the new job, or fix the broken things in your life just haven’t panned out. It’s not that you’re lazy, but the motivation and drive are not there. It seems like a giant, uphill battle to begin, so you postpone till another time.

After awhile, you feel frozen, like you don’t even know where to begin. Things undone build up.

This is the point where you might choose to numb out with alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, and other addictions or distractions. Ignoring the obvious just past your sight line, you keep yourself too busy to think about it.

You can actually do this for years. Many have.

You might be in a rut.

Everyone’s point of entry into a rut is unique. But once you are there, the experience is surprisingly the same. The funny thing about a rut is that whether you’re stuck there for a couple of months or many years, it sucks the energy and light from your soul, and time from living fully.

Accept Your Invitation to the Monster’s Ball

The first step to getting out of a rut is facing it. Stop running. You might be fast, but you’re not fast enough. You’ll never outrun yourself, and you’ll never outrun the monsters of your mind.

So, if you can’t outrun the monsters, what should you do? The obvious, non-violent response is to square-off with them compassionately.

Take them up on their invitation and get to know them. It’s not just facing them, but really understanding them. Get to know them just like a new acquaintance. What have they been trying to tell you? Why do they try to scare you? What do they say when you’re not paying attention?

Facing what plagues you isn’t easy. First of all, it’s difficult to figure out exactly. This is the reason why anthropomorphizing your demons is a good strategy for overcoming them.

Also, tell yourself the truth. God knows, we could all use more truth-telling these days. But truth is not a luxury. Truth is an imperative for positive mental health.

What do you need help with? What unnecessary pressure are you putting on yourself? Where do you need a little push or pep talk? What negativity has taken hold of your outlook?

Face it all head on. You don’t have to take any drastic measures or immediate steps. Just be willing to look at it honestly and completely. Be willing to be kind to yourself while doing so.

Going to the monster’s ball is a bold move. Facing monsters is courage in motion, and the beginning of something much bigger.

Dance With the Ugly Ones

Now that you are in close proximity to the the ones you have avoided, it’s time to look them in the eyes.

Dance with all the monsters in your mind. See them for what they are. Once you see the monsters clearly, then they lose their ability to overcome you.

Remember the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? He was no longer frightening when Kirby the dentist took out his teeth, in fact, by the end of the story, he was tame.

That’s the way it is with anxiety and fear. You tame them by removing their teeth. You tame them by dancing with them— real close.

Anxiety was a formidable foe for the latter part of my teens well into my thirties. It was a monster that sabotaged me in numerous ways. When I felt happy, it would steal my joy with fearful thoughts and obsessions. When I overcame one difficult challenge in my brain, it would quickly replace it with another. I was getting out of one pit and falling into another.

It was like being perched on the edge of an abyss, and fighting to keep from falling. It was only when I stopped fighting and just let myself fall, that I found I could float. Eventually, I found I could fly.

Dancing with the monsters is like falling into an abyss and finding you have wings. It’s facing the things that terrorize you, and embracing them until there isn’t anything to hold you back anymore.

Head Home As Daylight Breaks

Once you have a sense of the victory that comes from looking squarely at what holds you back, you’ll be able to work with it. Start by paying attention to your thoughts, not necessarily reacting or judging them as good or bad, but simply acknowledging them and letting them go.

Pay attention to your peripheral vision and watch what goes on around you without getting caught up in thinking too much. This type of paying attention is mindfulness. There are numerous mindful practices that you can tap into that will help you center and focus, but the point is to start with paying attention.

Most importantly, bring yourself back from judging your progress or your mindful skills. Just notice and keep noticing, mindfulness isn’t an end point but a continual process. Some days you’ll be better at it than others.

Mindfulness is a discipline too. Like any discipline, you have to keep practicing. I have found that adopting new habits requires humor and self compassion. Getting out of a rut is like that too. It requires new habits, self compassion, discipline, and a healthy sense of self amusement.

As you take on these practices, you will also find that time in nature, walking, writing lists, exercising, laughing, and balancing action with introspection will be of great assistance to you.

It’s not a race. It’s a journey that starts with a little courage and a sense of humor.

Change Your Life By Changing Your Mind

As you take on the practices mentioned above, you’ll begin to notice changes. It might seem slow or subtle at first, but with regular practice, the practices will become habits and your thinking patterns will shift.

There will be traps along the way though, that try to deter your way forward and pull you back. In order to avoid these traps, you’ll need to keep anxiety in perspective, and recognize addictions and distractions as they arise.

It’s a trap to compare yourself to the progress or process of others. It’s also a trap to put “shoulds” on yourself. Every “should’ve, would’ve, or could’ve” keeps you in a rut. Start measuring your progress only by your own goals and the habits you’re developing.

Set attainable goals. Monitor your progress without judgment, and practice gratitude for wherever you are. Once you start this process, just keep going.

If you’ve been stuck in a rut for any length of time, or caused yourself needless worry and suffering, then it’s time to take stock of the situation and make the changes you deserve.

Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”Although, there are times when comparison is helpful and not the thief of joy, overall he was onto something.

These days, when people are expected to prove their worth and value in so many spheres of life, it is easy to fall prey to a kind of “stinking” thinking that pulls you into a funk. Getting out of that funk is imperative for your overall health and wellbeing.

So take the monsters of your mind, and stare them down. Face them for what they are, and start getting free. Your thoughts and habits will shift and your perspective will change.

What was once your captor will become your liberator with a good dose of courage and a healthy sense of humor.

You will find that if you practice these things diligently, you will never be caught in a rut again.

The post How to Change Your Life Even if You Feel Stuck in a Rut appeared first on Live the Courageous Life.

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You deserve better.

You know this, and your friends constantly remind you, but you don’t really know it.

When you entered into this relationship, you fell in love with a person who was attentive and loving, and seemed to be everything you wanted. You took at face value what was presented to you.

When they changed, you couldn’t believe it. The abuse, whether subtle or apparent, began. Where was that person you fell in love with? Then almost immediately, like magic, they changed back again as if nothing had ever happened, and you were left questioning yourself. Did they really treat you badly? Maybe you imagined it or misunderstood their behavior?

Oh well, you think, at least they’re here now, things are good again, and we can get back to normal.

The Lie You Believed

Long ago, you may have told yourself a story to help understand, survive, or cope with abusive behaviors. You might’ve believed this story in order to fit into your family or social network. For awhile, the story could’ve kept you safe.

But if the story also kept you small, insignificant or voice-less, then that story was a lie. Unfortunately, believing the lie of insignificance creates a host of disempowering thoughts and behaviors that keep you living a short distance from your true worth.

Perhaps you felt like an outsider looking for your place, or someone with whom to belong. Maybe you settled for a less than adequate someone in order to belong.

You kept your head down. You dimmed your light. You settled for what you got, not what you wanted. You pleased others at your own expense. You probably learned this some time ago, until it became a familiar pattern, like an annoying habit, so difficult to break.

Your relationship filter is a little faulty. You overlook the slights, the broken promises, the withholding of affection, the silent treatments and the lies. At first you are enraged, but it passes when your partner returns love bombing you with words and actions that completely dispute the previous unkind behavior.

You like the happy story. The one with the affectionate, doting person who sweeps you away and loves you completely, totally and….. uh oh, then it’s over and you have to make excuses for the hushed phone calls, hidden texts, unkind comments, lack of affection, angry outbursts, and so on. You know the drill.

So you run to the mirror, the therapist, the doctor. You constantly evaluate your worth. You diet and exercise more. You dye your hair. You get better make-up. You’ve got to fix yourself, damn it!

The mind has to find a way to convince the heart that the happy story is real. It feels so much better. And surely, if you were just a little better, then you could keep that sweetheart happy.

Feelings are not facts though. Your feelings have betrayed you here. It’s more comfortable to believe in the illusion than to face the reality of leaving an abusive situation.

It’s this faulty belief in a story that has no basis in fact that keeps you in bondage to a lie.

Obvious Solutions Don’t Work

If you’ve come to realize that your relationship is emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive in any way, it is not your fault. You are not responsible for the behavior of others. You are, however, responsible for your choices regarding what to do about it.

Obvious solutions, like valuing yourself more, increasing your self-esteem, and practicing self-care are all necessary, but they aren’t the answer. Those solutions aren’t something you can pick up one afternoon and be done with it. Don’t get me wrong, those apparent solutions are vital in the long run, but because they take time to cultivate, they don’t provide the deeper insights needed immediately.

Berating yourself with expectations only makes you feel more inadequate. The obvious solutions tell you “what”, but not “how,” and they don’t address the core issues. So put them aside for the moment.

Getting to the heart of the matter requires knowing who you really are—the good, the bad and the ugly, as the saying goes—and seeing the habits you’ve grown accustomed to employing, and the story line you keep living.

Write A New Story

Some years back, I had the opportunity to leave a relationship full of the confusing trappings of narcissistic abuse. I was well aware of the signs, the gaslighting, silent treatments, and outright lies, yet each time I left him, I took him back. He was just that good—at manipulating.

It was only when I stopped trying to understand the incomprehensible, that I was finally able to stay away for good. I had believed in a story that was not reality in order to protect myself from some hypothetical, or perhaps existential pain.

I needed an exit strategy. I needed a game plan. I needed to face the truth.

Start by observing. Write down your observations like a reporter on the beat. Objectively, and with some distance, but also detailed and thorough. Be curious about what you see. Watch the facade you constructed crumble, and remain interested and objective.

You won’t die facing the bullshit. It takes patience, but keep facing the story, and the facts, until a new story emerges.

That new story may be about the person, (you), who is able to gracefully face situations that cause pain without getting caught up in the struggle, or the drama.

Brush Up Your Acting Skills

Once you have learned how to become the observer of your own thoughts and actions, then you can act your way to freedom.

When you’re with that abusive person, plan to continue your observations, but also change the script of the character you have played thus far. You might even want to completely change the role your character plays.

Most importantly, understand your role as an actor, not a reactor. Practice acting until you clearly see the role you have played in this drama. Practice acting until your objective distance becomes your new reality.

The best part of the process is that you allow yourself to be curious, and even a little amused, while observing your relationship to suffering and the story that keeps you stuck. This is the key to creating lasting change. Your new strategy allows you to plot your own growth with some objectivity.

Become The Heroine Of Your Life

(Or the hero, if you so choose.)

When you were a kid, you probably played the game of pretend. You used your imagination to conjure all kinds of stories where you were victorious and strong in numerous ways.

In adulthood, it’s improvisational theater. Like the simple technique of changing your relationship to the characters in the stories you tell yourself, perspective is gained from observation and choice. Using imagination to guide the way, you begin to define your own terms of freedom.

With sympathy and precision, you face whatever arises in your mind. You cultivate a tenderness for your wounds, and your scars. One day, you’ll wake up and realize that it was always you that you were waiting for.

It’s up to you to be the heroine of the story.

As you leave behind those little stories of woe and terror, you will be able to look over your shoulder and pronounce boldly: That was not love. And you will believe it. In time, you will know it to be true.

Habits of mind and behavior aren’t easily changed though, and so you must practice as if your life depends upon it. In some cases, your life does depend upon it. Part of the process of re-writing the script of your story is rehearsal. Rehearsals are how you master performance. You keep practicing over and over again until it becomes easy, and then you forget that it was ever difficult.

This is how you leave what hurts you behind.

You can’t change your past, or people, or circumstances; but you can change your mind. And you can show your heart that you treasure it, by changing your relationship to the stories that you live.

These are not simple things, or everyone would be doing them.

Gentle is the way forward. Kindness is the name of the ice rink you will learn to skate on. Every time you fall down, break your skate laces, or bruise your knees, you will get back up. You will try to skate again. You’ll fall again and again, until one day you are gliding past everyone else with ease and confidence.

You’ll not be thinking of that abusive jerk, or for that matter, allowing any other abusive jerk anywhere near you. You don’t need affirmations. You know your worth.

Your sights are set on learning a triple axel.

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The post The Real Reason You’re Struggling With An Abusive Jerk appeared first on Live the Courageous Life.

Photo by Yilmaz Akin on Unsplash

A sensitive introvert walks into a noisy bar, or a party, or an event where lots of networking and small talk are expected. The introvert knows how to do this, and even succeed, but picks up on the energy of the people in the room, feels like a fake so puts up walls to protect herself, talks to lots of other walls, and finally goes home irritated and drained. Does this sound familiar?

This is not the beginning of a bad joke, but a reality many people face regularly. Maybe you’re one of them? I certainly am.

It’s not that you don’t want connection, because, of course, you do. It’s those damn walls though, the ones you keep running into, as well as the ones you hide behind that prohibit authentic connection from occurring. It’s much easier to numb out and avoid the whole thing. (Yes, let’s drink wine and watch Hulu instead!)

Or you simply tamper down and stomp out any sign of vulnerability and its uncomfortable attributes before anyone picks up on it and tries to exploit or shame you in some way. You tighten up your wall security and deny the creeping fear.

You keep moving forward boldly, holding your breath all the way… but is it really bold?

Take Down That Wall!

A friend once told me that she needed someone to “storm her castle”, if they had any hopes of becoming close to her. After years of failed attempts by numerous people, she decided to change her strategy. The walls she erected to protect her, no longer kept her safe, but instead, they held her captive.

Her decision was to change the metaphor, and begin to function with less protection. Take down her walls by fearlessly, one step at a time, standing firmly in her discomfort, looking out of her own eyes and observing how her behaviors held her back, how her walls no longer served a purpose.

What would happen if you took down the walls that fortress you? What if, instead, you imagined your boundaries like a theatre stage? The curtain comes down, the curtain goes up, and sometimes there’s a scrim that obscures the whole picture while still letting people see through, even if only a little bit. A scrim provides mystery too, which is a great protection when you really need it.

Personal boundaries are necessary and can make you feel safe, but rigid boundaries are like walls around you that also block out joy and all kinds of good stuff. Joy can be scary too though. Sometimes it’s easier to be hyper-vigilant and anxious than it is to feel joy.

Badasses Are Not Haters

Badasses have a reputation for being cool, confident, and at times, intimidating, but they are not haters. True, haters use their power in a way that intimidates and looks like confidence, but they lack the ethical tough-mindedness of the badass.

The best distinction though, is that badasses are unafraid to make connections with all kinds of people. They are fearless in their ability to keep healthy boundaries, and yet, look into the eyes of another and see their common humanity.

Badasses are uncompromisingly ethical, and that translates to kindness and making connections with others in an authentic way. Haters, on the other hand, lack ethics and kindness, so they are just plain mean.

Acting like a hater is a detriment to your facial features.

How many times have you walked through an airport, a store, or down a sidewalk, and the faces you meet look right through you with a stony expressionless face? Maybe you’ve done the same?

It’s the walls again! They’re closing in!

Those same walls you use to protect yourself from the outside world are worn on your face. When you act hard and cold, your face looks that way too. Frowning repeatedly gives you unsightly lines on your face, whereas smiling perks you up and makes you more attractive inside and out.

A true badass is unafraid to smile.

True badasses know that their strength lies in their ability to be authentically vulnerable. Some people may think you you’re weird, let them.

Smiling does change the way you think. It creates a kind of confidence within you, and therefore you move through your day with more swag. People also smile back most of the time, so you’re contributing to better mental health for everyone.

Do you feel a need to be nice to telemarketers and strangers in cars? Good! You are a true badass. Being uncompromisingly ethical and tough-minded means taking complete responsibility for your behavior choices and making the best choices possible in each moment. You can say no in a respectful manner. You can use your manners and be tough.

Wear Your Vulnerability Like A Red Dress

You must know your brokenness in order to be made whole, and you must know your emptiness in order to become full—someone once told me that a long time ago and it has always rang true for me.

It makes sense, really, that we are immediately stronger when we acknowledge those places where we are not strong at all. As vulnerability research is now telling us, when we embrace our vulnerability, we become more of our authentic selves and less afraid as a consequence.

For so many years of my life, I felt less than. Less than what exactly, I cannot tell you. But I can tell you that I felt less than whoever or whatever I encountered and it held me back from becoming fully me. Fear was the culprit I couldn’t catch.

The only way you catch fear is through complete surrender.

Once you surrender, you realize fear is powerless over you and your very vulnerable self is actually your strength and your most courageous asset.

You can wear that vulnerability not only on your sleeve, but like a brilliant red dress that makes you feel beautiful—and if you don’t like dresses, wear a red tux. But the point is to acknowledge the power of accepting vulnerability and wearing it proudly– with a smile.

Challenge + Willingness = Courage

The willingness to face your own unique challenges, with practice, creates the courage you desire. But like any habit worth having, it takes practice. “Some days the bear will eat you; some days you’ll eat the bear”, as the old saying goes. Most important is your willingness to keep confronting the challenges.

As a sensitive person, you most likely feel so much of the energy around you, including all the beauty as well as the ugliness. That is, after all, why we like our walls. But if you’re living true to yourself by wearing your vulnerability gracefully, then you are creating the courage necessary to live in both the exuberance of joy and the shadow of fear.

Anxiety and fear will always be hanging around looking for an opportunity to get a foothold into your psyche. They don’t stay long when they are faced with courage, or at least their damage is minimized.

The strength of introversion is awareness and the ability to self reflect. You’re not going to change your fear, but you will learn to work with it. In time, the facing and acknowledging of that fear will expand your courage exponentially.

When you walk into that next uncomfortable situation—whether it be in the workplace, social event, or meeting a new potential mate—take a deep breath, plant your feet firmly to the ground you stand on, and be your own wonderful, wounded, anxious self.

You will contribute to the increase of authenticity in the world. You will feel better about yourself and everything you do. You will be a true badass in every way.

The post How to be a Complete Badass and Keep Your Vulnerability appeared first on Live the Courageous Life.

“yellow neon light signage” by Gabriel Bassino on Unsplash

There’s the snide, off-handed comment in the work place or the gaslighting from an intimate partner, the eye-rolling, sideways glances to others while you stand idly by like a fool not knowing what to say. It’s like you can’t see, but of course, you do, and it all speaks judgment.

The uncomfortable behaviors are followed by passive-aggressive comments that you really don’t know how to respond to, and when you try, you’re met with a response like: “Why are you so sensitive?”, “Can’t you take a joke?”, or “Geez, I was just kidding… you’re always so defensive!”.

These same people start rumors and find pleasure in random gossip. They hide activity on their computers and phones. They whisper in the doorways of your office, and stop talking; an icy silence when you come near.

Sometimes they are less obvious, smiling to your face with a pretense of sweetness, but when your back is turned, the daggers come out. When you try to address the behavior, they flatly deny everything, play the victim, or you encounter a confused face—how could you even think these things?

Seriously, you are sick and tired of this behavior, and yet, you keep encountering it! It makes you feel stupid, ashamed, and angry that you can never address it in the moment, and when you try to, you end up feeling ridiculous.

Mean people are everywhere. These people are even gaining popularity with a new found freedom to be assholes, but they don’t have to win. Good people are everywhere too, and although it sounds really corny to say, it’s true that good people must practice standing up and tempering kindness with a little kick ass.

Mean People Suck… But Why?

Unfortunately, just like any type of abusive person, they behave the way they do because they can. They absolutely can get away behaving badly most of the time and are rarely held accountable for their actions. There are a few reasons for this:

This kind of behavior is often seen as strong and ‘in control’. As a society, we like those traits in people. He who is the loudest, and most charismatic; however outlandish, must be right.
Jerks and mean people are good at hiding massive insecurities. They rely on the silence, fear, and intimidation of others to keep them from being found out.
If found out, they create a new spin on reality. Nothing seems to touch them or affect them to reflect on their own behavior. It’s a lost cause to try.
For these folks, it’s much easier, and has more rewards, to be a jerk.

If you are a sensitive soul, or a person of conscience, these behaviors are unthinkable, as you would be plagued by guilt or remorse for your actions if you behaved in this manner! But you must understand—mean people do not view the world as you do.

Conscience, My Friend, is the Answer— and Its Own Reward.

All the great philosophical and religious traditions of the world teach us that our personal ability to reflect and change behaviors is what makes us better human beings. When we are stuck, we do bad stuff. But our ability to reflect upon the impact of our words and actions, and their effect upon others, is critical for growth as a person.

“Do unto others…”, don’t cast the first stone, love your neighbor, practice non-attachment, breathe, stay in the present moment— all useful, common themes for helping us stay on track and aware.

Also, all are powerful kryptonite for mean people.

What You Learn From Rising Up and Standing Strong.
1. What other people do is not about you.

Empaths and sensitives often take on the shame and blame that others don’t want, even when it is not theirs to take. Learning to take responsibility for our own actions and mistakes is one of the most vital lessons we, hopefully, learn in childhood. But equally important, is learning not to take on the shame or blame that is not yours to take. Walk away—or maybe run, depending on the circumstance.

2. Like the Wicked Witch of the West, mean people dissolve when water is thrown on them.

Of course, not literally, and no offense to the great character of Elphaba, but when confronted with their kryptonite in the light of day, mean people back right down fast.

Stand firm and state the facts. Stick to observable, indisputable facts, and if you share any feelings, state that they are your own. Do not engage in extended conversation or new attempts to manipulate. Might be best to have an exit strategy going in.

3. Know thyself.

We all have the capacity for ignorance, greed, want, and other ugly things that plague the human race. If you know your own stumbling blocks, obstacles, and habits of mind, then you can make better decisions about your actions and reactions.

Rising up requires that you know these things about yourself, and more importantly, are honest with yourself.

When you know your darkness, your light can shine more brightly.

4. It gets easier once you actually do it.

It’s true. It’s difficult to stand up to people who do not have your best interest in mind. People who behave as liars, cheats, bullies, and generally unkind people, are draining and not fun to be around. They exhaust your mind and empty your spirit of enthusiasm.

No one I know looks forward to calling mean people out or standing up to the difficult to define. But once you carefully execute your plan for confronting them, then you can act in accordance with a feeling of confidence. It will be easier next time if you have to do it again in another situation.

5. Practice helps, but it doesn’t make perfect.

You are training your mind to do the hard thing when you stand up to what hurts you. Your mind will get clearer, your wits sharper, but it won’t always go as you planned, and sometimes can backfire.

You need to be prepared for the worst, while hoping for the best. If the situation is at all dangerous, please make sure that you’re in a safe place and have taken appropriate precautions.

When We Rise, We Shine

Knowing your mind, using your best skills and tools unique to you, taking the time to non-reactively assess, and then grounding yourself with a plan will go far in helping you learn to stand up to mean people, and those who cause friction and chaos.

The next time you feel yourself succumbing, cowering over your solar plexus, or at a loss for how to deal with comments and situations designed to offend or diminish you, practice standing up in a way that builds your confidence and self-respect.

You can do this. In doing the hard thing with grace, you become the champion of yourself—and you will feel pretty damn good about it too.

It’s all about training your mind and being honest with yourself. It’s all about taking responsibility for your own actions. It’s all about becoming the best version of a human for yourself.

Shining brightly, being forthright and honest in a world that increasingly loves hiding in the dark— is strength in action. Go for it.

The post 5 Lessons Learned From Standing Up To Mean People appeared first on Live the Courageous Life.