John Blumenthal's Blog - Posts Tagged "amazon"
I Just Published My Grocery List on Amazon!
To all you book lovers out there: Today, my first book just went up on Amazon Kindle! It's a word-for-word copy of an actual fifteen-item grocery list I recently penned (cleverly titled "My Grocery List," not to be confused with "Schindler's List"). I'm so excited! Now I'm a real, bonafide AUTHOR and my name is up there on Amazon along with the great ones -- Shakespeare, Steinbeck, Dan Brown and my neighbor Sheldon Klein who just published a three-page Kindle eBook anthology of poems about tree bark.
Writing a book has been my dream ever since I was six and spent eight minutes writing a list of supplies I would need for school on a pea green Post-It note.
It's such an amazing thrill! The moment "My Grocery List" appeared on Amazon, I changed my Facebook job description from "Bolt Inspector" to "Published Author."
Thank you Amazon for making it so easy for ordinary people like me to become real, professional writers in less than an hour!
So far, the pre-publication reviews have been outstanding! Albertsons called it, "one of the best written grocery lists we've ever seen. The printing is excellent and, unlike most grocery lists, impressively legible. A must read!"
A bagger at Vons named Leticia opined, "I've found a lot of grocery lists that people leave in their shopping carts after they're done shopping, but Mr. Blumenthal's vivid combination of produce, canned goods and household products stands out as one of the most poignant and heartfelt lists I've ever read. I couldn't put it down."
Butch Milner, a checker at my local AM-PM store gushed about the book. "I loved the chapter called 'Bacon.' This book is destined to become a classic in the shopping list genre."
Just to give you a little background, I originally wrote the whole book with a Ticonderoga #2 pencil on the back of an envelope that once contained my gas bill. Like Hemingway, I wrote it standing up (in my case, in the kitchen.) And it only took me about two minutes!
The inspiration for the book was my wife Janet who had asked me to pick up a few things at Vons -- fifteen items in all -- because her sciatica was acting up. Once I got started writing, the words just flowed as if God Himself were guiding my hand. I didn't need to rewrite a single word, although I did cross out "2 Cans of StarKist Tuna" when Janet informed me that we already had a bunch left from our last trip to Costco.
Truth be told, I had kind of a hard time writing a plot synopsis for my Amazon page mainly because the book doesn't actually have a plot. Also, the actual writing is limited to just a few words (brevity is the soul of wit, right?) and a lot of blank space. But I had to write something so I came up with this description: "'My Grocery List' is the heartbreaking story of a diverse family of grocery store items tragically separated by long, brightly-lit store aisles. They lead lonely, barren lives, shivering in the store's arctic air, knowing that soon they will all be swept up in the crazy adventure of the conveyor belt and the soulless scanner. Eventually, their lives will intertwine climactically when they're confronted by the poignancy and eroticism of commingling in my cloth bags."
(Of course, none of that stuff is actually in there -- you have to imagine it all. I like to leave interpretation to the reader.)
In the rest of my synopsis, I described the tempestuous love affair between my two protagonists, "Seedless Grapes" and "Yoplait Low-Fat Yogurt." Then there's a nonexistent subplot about my jaunty, lovable character, "Windex Extra-Strength" who sits on a rack all day staring longingly across the aisle at the beautiful, soft and sexy "Downy Fabric Softener," who only has eyes for the powerful but villainous cad, "Dulcolax Laxative Tablets."
But I really shouldn't tell you any more. I wouldn't want to spoil it! You'll just have to find out for yourself by reading the book. I've priced it at $2.99. Those with short attention spans will be glad to know it's a quick read.
[
In the meantime, stay tuned for my next book, "A Few Things I Need at the Hardware Store."
John Blumemthal's next novel THE STRANGE COURTSHIP OF ABIGAIL BIRD will be published by Regal House in October 2019.
Writing a book has been my dream ever since I was six and spent eight minutes writing a list of supplies I would need for school on a pea green Post-It note.
It's such an amazing thrill! The moment "My Grocery List" appeared on Amazon, I changed my Facebook job description from "Bolt Inspector" to "Published Author."
Thank you Amazon for making it so easy for ordinary people like me to become real, professional writers in less than an hour!
So far, the pre-publication reviews have been outstanding! Albertsons called it, "one of the best written grocery lists we've ever seen. The printing is excellent and, unlike most grocery lists, impressively legible. A must read!"
A bagger at Vons named Leticia opined, "I've found a lot of grocery lists that people leave in their shopping carts after they're done shopping, but Mr. Blumenthal's vivid combination of produce, canned goods and household products stands out as one of the most poignant and heartfelt lists I've ever read. I couldn't put it down."
Butch Milner, a checker at my local AM-PM store gushed about the book. "I loved the chapter called 'Bacon.' This book is destined to become a classic in the shopping list genre."
Just to give you a little background, I originally wrote the whole book with a Ticonderoga #2 pencil on the back of an envelope that once contained my gas bill. Like Hemingway, I wrote it standing up (in my case, in the kitchen.) And it only took me about two minutes!
The inspiration for the book was my wife Janet who had asked me to pick up a few things at Vons -- fifteen items in all -- because her sciatica was acting up. Once I got started writing, the words just flowed as if God Himself were guiding my hand. I didn't need to rewrite a single word, although I did cross out "2 Cans of StarKist Tuna" when Janet informed me that we already had a bunch left from our last trip to Costco.
Truth be told, I had kind of a hard time writing a plot synopsis for my Amazon page mainly because the book doesn't actually have a plot. Also, the actual writing is limited to just a few words (brevity is the soul of wit, right?) and a lot of blank space. But I had to write something so I came up with this description: "'My Grocery List' is the heartbreaking story of a diverse family of grocery store items tragically separated by long, brightly-lit store aisles. They lead lonely, barren lives, shivering in the store's arctic air, knowing that soon they will all be swept up in the crazy adventure of the conveyor belt and the soulless scanner. Eventually, their lives will intertwine climactically when they're confronted by the poignancy and eroticism of commingling in my cloth bags."
(Of course, none of that stuff is actually in there -- you have to imagine it all. I like to leave interpretation to the reader.)
In the rest of my synopsis, I described the tempestuous love affair between my two protagonists, "Seedless Grapes" and "Yoplait Low-Fat Yogurt." Then there's a nonexistent subplot about my jaunty, lovable character, "Windex Extra-Strength" who sits on a rack all day staring longingly across the aisle at the beautiful, soft and sexy "Downy Fabric Softener," who only has eyes for the powerful but villainous cad, "Dulcolax Laxative Tablets."
But I really shouldn't tell you any more. I wouldn't want to spoil it! You'll just have to find out for yourself by reading the book. I've priced it at $2.99. Those with short attention spans will be glad to know it's a quick read.
[
In the meantime, stay tuned for my next book, "A Few Things I Need at the Hardware Store."
John Blumemthal's next novel THE STRANGE COURTSHIP OF ABIGAIL BIRD will be published by Regal House in October 2019.
I Wrote an Amazon Bestseller in a Week
I wrote a book last week. I’ve never written a book before but so what? They’re just words on a computer screen right? I’ve written stuff before –- emails and lists of things to get at the hardware store so I have experience. Anybody can do it.
It all started when my friend Bert said, “You know Bud, you should write a book about your crazy family. ” I thought about it a minute. It was a totally unique idea. So I wrote it. The words just flowed out of me like diarrhea.
It took me a pretty long time –- three hours -- to think up a catchy title. I finally came up with, "My Crazy Family," How could you not sell a million books with a grabber like that?
I slapped together a cover –- my niece Sarah Jane (she’s so cute) helped with the finger-painting –- and uploaded it on Amazon as a Kindle and a paperback. Heck, the uploading was harder than writing the book!
The next thing I did was change my Facebook profile. It used to say, “Works at Plumber.” Now it says, “Works at Author.”
Then I had to do some marketing. My first idea was total genius -- I got all the members of my crazy family and a bunch of my friends to write customer reviews on Amazon. In a few hours, I had twenty reviews and a 5-star rating!
Next, I pasted the Amazon link on Facebook, which is also a really clever idea that ‘s probably never been done.
I heard that Amazon has a freebie program where you give the book away for free to create what they call “buzz.” I knew this would work. How often have I stood in line outside of Walmart to get a free set of beer coasters or an umbrella hat?
I ended up selling 8000 books for free. Now I had a following!
I thought about trying to get reviews from hoity-toity places like the "New York Times" – (it’s pretty simple – you just send them a copy of your book with a nice letter) -- but the Post Office was going to charge me $9.95 for Priority Mail so I didn’t bother.
The book sold pretty well (getting my friends and relatives to buy it was another brilliant marketing scheme –- has anybody tried that before?)
About a week after publishing the book, my son caught our dog Bowzer tearing out the pages and eating them (everybody’s a critic, right?) . It was the cutest thing! My son got the whole thing on videotape and made a YouTube out of it and pasted it on Facebook. The damn thing went –- what do you call it? -- virile in two days.
The next day, I sold 150,000 copies but poor old Bowzer was constipated for a week.
A few days later, I got a call from a guy named Marty from Hollywood. Said he loved my book and wanted to make a TV sitcom out of it. He asked me if I have an agent and I told him I did. (Mickey Bergan has been my insurance agent for twenty years.)
But I told Marty I didn’t want to sell. I figured I could shoot a TV series myself. How hard could it be? Most TV sucks. All I have to do is shoot an episode and send it to a TV network and they’ll pay me tons of money. My family is pretty excited about starring in a TV series.
I plan to use the video on my son’s Smartphone. We start shooting next week.
John Blumemthal's next novel THE STRANGE COURTSHIP OF ABIGAIL BIRD will be published by Regal House in October 2019.
It all started when my friend Bert said, “You know Bud, you should write a book about your crazy family. ” I thought about it a minute. It was a totally unique idea. So I wrote it. The words just flowed out of me like diarrhea.
It took me a pretty long time –- three hours -- to think up a catchy title. I finally came up with, "My Crazy Family," How could you not sell a million books with a grabber like that?
I slapped together a cover –- my niece Sarah Jane (she’s so cute) helped with the finger-painting –- and uploaded it on Amazon as a Kindle and a paperback. Heck, the uploading was harder than writing the book!
The next thing I did was change my Facebook profile. It used to say, “Works at Plumber.” Now it says, “Works at Author.”
Then I had to do some marketing. My first idea was total genius -- I got all the members of my crazy family and a bunch of my friends to write customer reviews on Amazon. In a few hours, I had twenty reviews and a 5-star rating!
Next, I pasted the Amazon link on Facebook, which is also a really clever idea that ‘s probably never been done.
I heard that Amazon has a freebie program where you give the book away for free to create what they call “buzz.” I knew this would work. How often have I stood in line outside of Walmart to get a free set of beer coasters or an umbrella hat?
I ended up selling 8000 books for free. Now I had a following!
I thought about trying to get reviews from hoity-toity places like the "New York Times" – (it’s pretty simple – you just send them a copy of your book with a nice letter) -- but the Post Office was going to charge me $9.95 for Priority Mail so I didn’t bother.
The book sold pretty well (getting my friends and relatives to buy it was another brilliant marketing scheme –- has anybody tried that before?)
About a week after publishing the book, my son caught our dog Bowzer tearing out the pages and eating them (everybody’s a critic, right?) . It was the cutest thing! My son got the whole thing on videotape and made a YouTube out of it and pasted it on Facebook. The damn thing went –- what do you call it? -- virile in two days.
The next day, I sold 150,000 copies but poor old Bowzer was constipated for a week.
A few days later, I got a call from a guy named Marty from Hollywood. Said he loved my book and wanted to make a TV sitcom out of it. He asked me if I have an agent and I told him I did. (Mickey Bergan has been my insurance agent for twenty years.)
But I told Marty I didn’t want to sell. I figured I could shoot a TV series myself. How hard could it be? Most TV sucks. All I have to do is shoot an episode and send it to a TV network and they’ll pay me tons of money. My family is pretty excited about starring in a TV series.
I plan to use the video on my son’s Smartphone. We start shooting next week.
John Blumemthal's next novel THE STRANGE COURTSHIP OF ABIGAIL BIRD will be published by Regal House in October 2019.
