John Blumenthal's Blog - Posts Tagged "queen"
A Few Questions For My British Friends
First off blokes, what exactly is the name of your country? Is it England, Great Britain or the United Kingdom?
Why can’t you make up your bloody minds? England is okay, but Great Britain? Do you really need the pompous adjective? Other countries think they’re great too, but they don’t all advertise it in the title name.
We don’t call ourselves “The Really Terrific United States of America.”
The same goes for United Kingdom. I mean, seriously? Kingdom? Newsflash: You don’t actually have a kingdom anymore, chaps. It’s gone. You’ve been kicked out of everywhere.
Why is everything “brilliant”? Sure, we Americans overuse the word “awesome” but you’re supposed to be smarter than we are (do you ever call an actual smart person “brilliant”?) Find another adjective.
Why was it necessary for your upper class twits to change into monkey suits for dinner every single night? And why did you need six guys to take away the soup plates?
Fox hunting. Why is that fun? I don’t get it. The hounds do all the work. Why do they need you?
What is this fixation with tea? You show up at somebody’s house and right away your host asks, “cuppa tea?” Nobody ever declines or says, “Do you have any tomato juice?” We Yanks just say, “May I get you something to drink?” This opens up a wide variety of possibilities, many of them toxic.
And what’s with the word “bloody”? Why is everything bloody good or bloody awful? If you cut your hand and it bleeds, are you “bloody bloody”?
Why do some of you still have titles? If you’re a Duke, what exactly are you Duke of? Nothing. You used to have lavish estates and too many servants (please tell me why you couldn’t even figure out how to dress yourselves? It’s not rocket science) but now you can’t afford to maintain them so you’re selling your titles. Now some random guy from Hoboken can spend a few hundred grand and be Joe Schmo, Duke of Whatever, but nobody will call him “Duke” unless that’s his first name.
Why can’t you make up your bloody minds? England is okay, but Great Britain? Do you really need the pompous adjective? Other countries think they’re great too, but they don’t all advertise it in the title name.
We don’t call ourselves “The Really Terrific United States of America.”
The same goes for United Kingdom. I mean, seriously? Kingdom? Newsflash: You don’t actually have a kingdom anymore, chaps. It’s gone. You’ve been kicked out of everywhere.
Why is everything “brilliant”? Sure, we Americans overuse the word “awesome” but you’re supposed to be smarter than we are (do you ever call an actual smart person “brilliant”?) Find another adjective.
Why was it necessary for your upper class twits to change into monkey suits for dinner every single night? And why did you need six guys to take away the soup plates?
Fox hunting. Why is that fun? I don’t get it. The hounds do all the work. Why do they need you?
What is this fixation with tea? You show up at somebody’s house and right away your host asks, “cuppa tea?” Nobody ever declines or says, “Do you have any tomato juice?” We Yanks just say, “May I get you something to drink?” This opens up a wide variety of possibilities, many of them toxic.
And what’s with the word “bloody”? Why is everything bloody good or bloody awful? If you cut your hand and it bleeds, are you “bloody bloody”?
Why do some of you still have titles? If you’re a Duke, what exactly are you Duke of? Nothing. You used to have lavish estates and too many servants (please tell me why you couldn’t even figure out how to dress yourselves? It’s not rocket science) but now you can’t afford to maintain them so you’re selling your titles. Now some random guy from Hoboken can spend a few hundred grand and be Joe Schmo, Duke of Whatever, but nobody will call him “Duke” unless that’s his first name.
