Neha Sharma's Blog

Anaita walked in half in her sleep into the kitchen, she almost stumbled upon the chair by the kitchen counter. She yawned as her hands searched for the light switch.

As the light went on, she saw two bowls and spoons with ice smeared all over them lying by the counter.

“Oh when do they have it, I should lock my kitchen the next time,” she thought as she switched on the radio. She went about cleaning the bowl and spoons and stood looking around at the kitchen wondering what to make for breakfast.

Karan, her husband usually liked bread but the kids loved pancakes. She also had to make some kheer as she had promised her kids the day before.  She looked at her watch, did she have time to make them all. She was up exceptionally early today as she couldn’t sleep much yesterday night, her shoulder was paining quite a bit again. She stretched her arms up in the air, said good morning to herself, and walked up to the fridge.

Anaita came from a quaint little village from Rajasthan. She had a small lovely house with a courtyard in between. She remembered spending most of her time in the courtyard as a kid. She would always run across the fields when an airplane would fly by. She still remembered once when she was unwillingly making kheer on her grandmother’s orders in the kitchen, she ran out as she heard a plane go by.  She followed it for as long as she could, when she did come back, she was reprimanded badly by her family as she left the kheer on the stove, which had been burnt by then.

 

She still remembered her grandmother grumbling, “what is she going to do, she can’t even make a simple kheer.” Her mother just looked at Anaita with rage, Anaita’s naive self argued “so what if I can’t make kheer, I want to be a pilot, I will fly those planes one day,” she added pointing out to the sky. Her grandmother had looked at her in disbelief. “You want to go fly a plane, who do you think will feed your family when will be up in the air,” she had yelled pointing at the air. 

“I don’t know, I don’t care. I want to fly dadi,” Anaita had argued.

“How dare you defy your grandmother,” her mother had yelled as she had held her hands.

Anaita rubbed her hands where her mother had held her, she shook her head as she tried shaking the memory off.  She simmered the gas and put a fistful of rice in the milk, just as her grandmother had taught her and yes she did know how to make a prefect kheer now much to her grandmother’s delight.

“Anaita, have you lost your mind, we didn’t say much as you were just a child then but now you want to join this armedi foruses? What are you thinking, you are a girl! Do you not realize that.”

“It’s not armedi foruses Papa, it’s armed forces,” Anaita had said with pride all over her face,“so what if I am a girl, I saw an ad on tv a week before telling girls to join, we can go papa, I can,” Anaita had reasoned with her father.

“Yes that stupid ad, I am telling you Rajesh” her grandmother had started looking at Anaita’s father,”I saw it too, these people on tv also have lost their marbles, if girls will go out who will run the house, take care of the kids. Now they want to send girls to the border and fight,” her grandmother added making a disdainful grimace.

“ .. but we can dadi,” Anaita started when she was shushed by the father.

“Enough Anaita, you are not child anymore who can still keep making these childish demands and expect us to fulfill them. You are a grown woman now, and should realize your responsibilities, now go to the kitchen and help your mother make snacks and tea,” he ordered Anaita, as he pointed his hands towards the kitchen.  “Be like your mother, she works tirelessly running the house all day,” her grandmother snided.  “Ya well I don’t want to,” Anaita remarked under her breath as she walked grumpily into the kitchen.

 

Anaita sighed at thinking how much they wanted her to be in the kitchen, she looked around at her kitchen, “why did everyone expect us to be best friends?” She shrugged and got back to whisking the eggs.

 

“Papa, okay I will stop talking about getting out, can we not do this, I don’t want to get married,” Anaita had said with tears in her eyes.

“Anaita, I am not doing this because of that, it’s what is expected of every father having a daughter of your age,” Rajesh had said holding her hands, 

“Papa, please,” Anaita started when a plane soared above their heads, the sound filled the air. Anaita just looked up at it, it seemed farther than it always did today, she closed her eyes shut tight to not let her tears out. 

As she had looked at her grandmother, she was standing right beside her, she added sarcastically, “you want to go there,” she said looking at the sky, ”ask your to- be family who is going to come soon, we don’t want this on us.”  Anaita’s 18 year old self did ask her to-be family in her innocence, who rejected her much to her surprise as they didn’t want a girl with ambitions. Her family were enraged at what she had done and had vowed to get her married by the year end.

 

She shifted her bangles as she thought of it all and waited for the pan to heat up for the pancakes. A system she had tried so hard to shake but in vain. Everyone around her ridiculed her thought. Nobody understood why she wanted to take such a strong stand on something that seemed so bizarre to them.

“She wants to fly a plane, Anaita, can you at least be realistic,” she was told.

“ .. because I have a dream, don’t I have a right to dream now..” she had argued.

She took a deep breath thinking of it all. She tried shaking it off yet again as she made breakfast for her family.

She checked her clock, it was almost time for breakfast. She took out the toaster to place the breads and then mixed the kheer gently, it was almost done as its aroma filled the kitchen, her grandmother would have been beside herself looking at Anaita with her “best friend,” she had always wanted her to befriend. Just then her husband walked in, with her two kids. They were all dressed up and ready for the day.

“Good morning,” Anaita said looking at Karan as she hugged her kids, “ouch,” Anaita said as her younger son rammed into her, she rubbed her shoulders.

“It’s still hurting?” Karan asked looking at his wife.

“Yes, but don’t worry it will be fine, did they have a bath?” She asked looking Karan.

“Yes mom, we did. See dad managed to put his tie straight, by the way mom you should stop working so much. You injured your shoulder, because you don’t think about yourself when you work,” her daughter said.

Anaita smiled looking at her family, “it’s okay, I love what I do, you know that.”

“Yes we do, but you should just relax,” Karan said pressing her shoulders . “Let’s have breakfast and leave, shall we?” Karan said looking at the kids. They nodded. He then looked at Anaita, “why don’t you sit down, I will serve.” They had their usual breakfast in the morning, Karan told Anaita to take their daughter to the music class in the evening as he would be late at the bank he worked in.

Anaita nodded making a note of it in her mind, she would drop her daughter and pick then pick up the groceries later. Once they had their breakfast, Karan helped her clean the kitchen. She handed over Karan’s purse and his office bag.  She packed the lunch for her kids and placed them in their bags. She did everything on time, properly and meticulously just as her family had wanted her to be, she thought as she looked at her family photo by the wall, she saw her parents and her grandmother smiling like there was no tomorrow at her wedding. She shook her head yet again.

“I will give my daughter her wings to fly, bigger than my son’s for she would need to soar through against people’s mindset,” she thought hard as she dusted the photo, and all the other beside them. She went around dusting the hall. As she walked past the sofa, she unknowingly adjusted the cushions on them. She looked back, her hall looked neat. She nodded to herself and walked out of the hall.

She walked into her room to change.  She tied her hair into a bun. She took out her shirt and pant from the wardrobe, it was blue in color.

 

“I know Anaita, you have different dreams, but for us it unfortunately will always be only a dream,” her mother has consoled her once.

“Did you ever have a dream?” Anaita had asked her mother with swollen eyes.

“So many, but Anaita I didn’t … we don’t have the choice to do anything about it,” her mother has sobbed as she looked at all the photo’s of Anaita’s prospective grooms lying beside them.

“I don’t want to stop dreaming mom, I don’t want to give up. If I have a daughter tomorrow, I will tell her to do the same,” Anaita had said.

“Then you will only make yourself and her miserable,” her mother had sobbed even more this time.

 

She smiled to herself,  if only her mother could see her side, she would have realised, she did .. they did have a choice, they only had to will it.

She put on her badges and epaulette on her shirt. She looked at herself in the mirror. She had fought the odds, she did not give up on her dreams, but gave it all she had. Why dream it if you can’t chase it? She kept telling herself.  She had told every prospective groom that came forward what she wanted to chase.  She stood her ground no matter the amount of backlash she had to face. She knew in her heart, she had to do this not only for herself but for all those struggling to spread their wings just like her. She fought till one day a boy so in love with her finally gave in to her dreams and so did her family seeing her resoluteness.

She was today a fighter pilot, and yes she did fly those planes now, she was also a mother, a wife, a homemaker but most importantly she was a woman with an indentity she took pride in.

She looked at her uniform with pride. Every morning as she wore it, she realized she had more than her family to be responsible for. She had a duty towards the country first, a duty she took pride in.

Yes she did go to the border and fight now, not as a weaker gender but as a strong, fierce officer, an officer with great valour.

As she put on her cap, she held her shoulder’s, it still hurt her. She had wounded it months ago on an undisclosed mission. She rotated her shoulders, took a deep breath, put on her cap, adjusted it and walked out. She walked into the hall.  She could hear her daughter talk to her father,

“It’s so nice to have mom home, I can’t believe she will be leaving again in a months time.”

“Don’t worry, she will be back home soon, as always,” Karan said looking at his daughter.

“Ya I know,” her daughter nodded, scanning the newspaper for a while, she continued. “there are so many attacks nowadays, the world is becoming so unsafe day by day.”

Karan looked at her daughter, he put his hands on her shoulders, smiled and said, “as long as there are people like your mother out there to protect us, we are all safe.”

 

Having lost grandparents, I have probably lost the most pure and genuine form of love forever. Nobody can replace their love, their affection.

I learnt what is to love someone without any conditions, to live for one’s happiness foregoing your own. Also having to face their death brings me to a deeper perspective on life.

They were here yesterday and they are gone today, to another realm, into a different journey, all they have left behind are their memories, their love, their goodness, most importantly their deeds good or bad – their deeds.

It gets me thinking, should I stop? Should I stop running this constant race for a better life, a desire which never ends? Should I stop and breathe to just feel the oxygen fill up inside me for a second? Should I stop before I too am exhausted and leave this world without really living?

I think I should silence my mind, listen to the universe, to the nature, to my inner most thoughts that keep telling me I am part of this magnificent world God has created and that I should live in harmony with myself, with others and with this nature which is a part of me.

I should learn to forgive, to let go, to love unconditionally. You never know if you will ever meet those again you hold deep resentment for and ever have to chance to reconcile.

I should learn to laugh, a feeling that comes from deep within. I should learn to be happy and not find a reason for it.

I should stop bickering for the smallest things and find joy in the smallest of things around me. I have to stop fighting with others in the name of ego, a thing which exists only in my head. I should let my guards down and not let “I” take over my life.

I should do this before I too am gone and all that I would have left behind would be resentment, unfulfilled desires.

I have to stop, to laugh, to feel, to love, to live, to do good and be good because this is what really matters and this is all that should.

My head hurt, I tried opening my eyes but they hurt too. I felt a hand on my shoulder and a voice which said “Amaya are you okay, don’t worry it will all be fine. We are here now.”

“They are lying”, a voice hissed in my head so loud that I was compelled to listen to it. “Don’t pay heed to them, not them, only I am here for you.” This voice reassured me.

This voice was so soothing, I had to listen to it as I knew this person in my head was my only true confidant.

I struggled to open my eyes and saw blurred figures around me. Looking at them pained me so deep for all the hurt I was caused. I knew they were not here for me, I knew they never wanted my good, they were here to enjoy watching me go down. I was nothing but a disappointment to them. “Yes exactly Amaya. You are finally getting my point.” The voice echoed in my head. “They all despise you. You are safe with me.”

I wanted to look away, staring at the blank wall was my only comfort now.

I knew I was in a different place, a wall I had built for myself to shut myself out and I wasn’t afraid of being in this darkness, it bought solace to me, comforted me like no one else. The darkness engulfed me and protected me from everything bad.

I felt like a lost child who had finally found home. This dark place was my new home, and this voice my only friend.

The only one who truly believed in me, loved me, respected me.

“Close your eyes Amaya.” The voice said. It was so soothing to listen to it, to obey every word, it bought me so much relief. As I closed my eyes I spiraled into the darkness beneath, it did not scare me at all, the world outside did. “That’s it Amaya, now you are safe. Don’t ever go back to the place where you don’t belong, where you are not wanted.”

This Grief was so deep yet it was so peaceful to lie there filled in it. There was sadness all over, hopelessness too, yet I felt like I am in my comfort zone. I wanted to live in this grief, It bought me comfort. I wanted to hear this voice over and over again and obey it everytime.

“Amaya, dear are you listening to us? Amaya we love you. We all love you so much, please talk to us.” came a distant voice.

They say they love me I reasoned. “Hush they don’t love you. I know it they don’t”, said the voice.

“But they are saying it again and again they love me.”

“No, those are just voices inside your head, you need to make them go away and sleep.”

“Yes I needed sleep.” I had to listen to this voice, it was after all the only one who was there for me.

As the dawn broke into Ramadh, the sun rays crept in from beneath the clouds onto the roof of the Iyers. As they spread across the house it gave the house a magnificent orange tinge. It gleamed in all its beauty.

Not very far, one could hear the temple chants and the bell. These chants filled the air with feelings so deep and mesmerising, one could just sit there forever lost in the divine power. Mrs. Iyer stood inside the temple with her eyes closed in prayer, each chant from her mouth felt like it came from deep within her. She often got so lost in her prayer, someone had to gently touch her arm to bring her back to reality.

“Amma, shall we go. Appa must be waiting.”

“Oh yes”, she said as she ran her hands through her face. She bowed in all humbleness in front of Durga Ma and said “let’s go.”

Mrs. Iyer was draped in a maroon cotton saree which had a gold pleat running all through its edges, she had a big round red bindi, dark kohl in her big bright eyes. Even at 52 she looked no less than a goddess. Her face always seemed so much at peace, one always forgot their worries for a moment when they looked at her.

As Mrs. Iyer walked into her house, which was a few steps from the temple. She saw her aunt-in-law. She handed the pooja Basket to her daughter and touched her Athai’s feet to seek her blessings.

“I see Durga every time I see your face Shantha, it’s as if she is living in you.” Her Athai said as she blessed Mrs. Iyer.

Shantha just smiled “I am just her devotee, and she my mother. A child is always a shadow of their mother, that’s why you see her in me.” Shantha said as she smiled holding her head down.

She handed her Athai the prasadam from the basket.

“I will take your leave, it’s time for his morning coffee.” Shantha said as she walked into her home.

“Sari Ma, go, God bless you”, her aunt said as she had her prasadam – pongal on a banana leaf.

Shantha walked into her courtyard which boasted of its lovely potted plants which stood on one side of the porch, it had a tulsi plant which was perched right in the middle of the courtyard. The courtyard had a bench made of red brick on one side, upon which beautiful handmade earthen pots were placed.

One could see the whole house standing all around the courtyard. It had a porch which ran in a square shape, which led to the rooms around the courtyard. The porch was of blood red colour with a black line running along its borders. It had magnificent round pillars all over which were thin at the top and widened as they touched the ground. The room doors stood slim and tall with intricate wooden carvings in all of them.

Shantha had built this home brick by brick. Her soul resided in this house. She took care of it like it was her own child. She walked towards the tulsi maadam and offered her prayers. She went to the kitchen to prepare coffee for her husband and mother in law. As she walked in, she saw a lovely strand of jasmine flowers wrapped in a banana leaf on top of the counter. She smiled to herself as she pinned the flowers in her hair. The fragrance of the flowers filled her heart with pure joy. Mr. Iyer every morning would religiously keep jasmine flowers for her and she would adorn it like a newly wed.

She had a lovely marriage and even lovely two kids. Her son Arvind had grown up so soon, Shantha felt it was almost unfair she did not get to live his childhood enough. He was a handsome young man now, pride of his mother and father. He had gone on his father on so many things, his looks, his boldness, his strong sense of what’s right and wrong, his sense of responsibility towards the family. But had taken on his mother when it came to compassion towards other people, deep respect and affection for his family.

Shantha folded her hands in prayer to God and thought “Ma, this is all your blessings. I can’t thank you enough.”

“Amma, I will take the tray”, came in Avni as she took the tray from her mother’s hand. She was the second child of Shantha, very vibrant and caring.

“Okay Ma, go and here take these snacks as well.” Shantha said as she handed her the snacks.

Shantha walked towards the dining hall behind her daughter trying to figure out the list of things she had to do. Navratri was starting from tomorrow. She had so much to do.

Every year she would add new Bommai Kolu dolls and paint them personally, her daughter since recent years also started to enthusiastically sit with her mother and paint them for the Navratri. But this year the Navratri was even more special as she had finally found the perfect girl for her son.

Her name was Nandini, she was beautiful, very simple, demure. She would add to the grandeur of the Iyer family with her simplicity and innocence, Shantha thought.

“Oh Shantha, I don’t understand you. Why are you after us seeing this girl?” Her mother in law had said when she showed her Nandini’s photo.

“She looks like she comes from such an ordinary family. Don’t you realize we are amongst the most prominent families of Ramadh. Arvind is your only son. The sole heir to all of this.” She said spreading her hands.” We should get a girl from a rich and illustrious family, someone from our stature. Besides my grandson deserves a good amount of dowry.” She concluded in pride putting her hands on her hips.

“Ma”, Shantha said politely. “I know what you mean, but dowry is not what I want, class is not what I am looking for in my future daughter in law. I want a girl who can hold this family together with her utmost dedication towards her family, who can uphold the name of our family with her values, who can love and care for our son and their future children with her compassionate and caring nature.” Shantha had spoken to her mother with her head held down. She had folded her hands, “Forgive me Amma, but I want a girl from a simple family, one which is rich in its culture, traditions and values.” Shantha said.

“Sometimes, the things you speak! I marvel at myself as to how young you are to us yet so much more sensible.” Her Athai, her Amma’s elder sister said as she had walked in. Her mother in law just grumbled to herself.

Shantha knew her mother in law was not happy with the proposal, she however knew that Nandini would soon win over Amma’s heart. Her husband had said “I believe in you Shantha, I know the family too, though I too like Amma wish you had looked at families of our stature but I also know that you always think well for the family. If Arvind is happy, who am I to object.” He had said to Shantha nonchalantly looking at his phone.

Shantha knew her son would have no reason to say a no to her when he would see her photo. Nandini’s beauty was like a ray of sunshine that lit the darkest of the rooms, her eyes were so beautiful and mesmerizing, one could get lost in them. There was innocence written all over face, one could not help but smile when they looked at her.

“Amma”, Arvind said as he held the photo. She could see his eyes widen, his face go red and suddenly his face broke into a smile. Shantha knew he could never say a no to her once he looked at her.

“When are they coming Shantha? Have you got everything ready?” Mr. Iyer said as he sipped his morning coffee and had his murukku.

“Here, have some idli. Amma, Arvind, Avni come sit.” Shantha said as the caretaker bought hot idlis from the kitchen.

Mr. Iyer looked at Shantha and asked” when are they coming ma?”

“Oh sorry, they would be here in three hours time.” Shantha replied looking at the wall clock. “I have so much to do, please excuse me.”

“Shantha”, Mr. Iyer said “sit here and have your breakfast first.”

“But I have no time..”

“I don’t want to hear that, you will eat first and then go, else you will overtire yourself and faint.” Mr. Iyer said as he took the newspaper in his hand and drowned himself in it.

Shantha sat down obligingly.

Mr. Iyer was a man of few words, he never knew how to show how much he loved and cared for Shantha, yet he did in his own ways. Shantha knew that even though he was really busy with his rice fields and coffee plantations, Shantha was always there at the back of his mind.

It was almost time, she had made all the arrangements for their arrival. Shantha was now anxiously waiting for Nandini’s family to arrive at the gate with the pooja thali in her hand. She was wearing a lemon green silk saree which had a beautiful maroon border, even at this age, no matter what colour Shantha wore, she looked beautiful in it, her big red bindi just added to her grace. Her son and husband were dressed in their white and gold Silk veshti and shirts. Her Athai and her daughter too were beside her waiting for them with equal excitement.

As the car arrived at the gate, Shantha could hear her Amma mumble something under her breath as she got up and went inside.

Nandini’s mother walked towards them with her husband. She was dressed in a baby pink Cotton saree with a thin golden border. Her husband had worn a veshti. Shantha finally noticed Nandini walking behind them in full nervousness. She was playing with her hands vigorously. She looked every bit gorgeous in a red and blue Pattu davani.

Her parents handed over the sweets and fruits to her Athai, and greeted all off them with their hands folded. Nandini who was right behind them, touched her Athai’s feet, then Shantha’s and Mr. Iyer’s.

Shantha’s heart filled with so much joy. She just held Nandini by her shoulders and hugged her, with moist eyes.

“Venka..take their luggage upstairs.” Shantha said to her house caretaker.

She had invited them for the Navratri. She wanted Nandini to see how Navratri was celebrated in their household and the importance it held in their house.

As she took them inside the house, Nandini’s family looked around in wonder.

“I have heard so much about this house, but now I know it’s truly marvelous.” Nandini’s mother said as they sat in the hall.

“Thank you so much for inviting us”, her mother said with her hands folded to Shantha. “We first of all can’t imagine our good fortune that you want our daughter for your son.”

“No please”, Shantha said as she held Nandini’s mother’s hands. “I can’t imagine my fortune to have your daughter as my daughter in law.” Shantha said. “And please you don’t have to fold your hands this way, we will be family soon.” Shantha said as she put her hands on Nandini’s mother’s shoulder.

Mr. Iyer just sat in a corner listening intently to every word, but he did not look like he wanted to be a part of the conversation, he had his own reservations regarding the choice of family for his son’s marriage, yet he knew Shantha would never take a wrong decision.

Shantha saw her son eagerly waiting by the hall door.

“Yes Arvind, what are you standing there for?” Shantha said looking at him.

“Would you mind showing Nandini around our house and the farms?” Shantha said.

Arvind looked at his mom with glee and nodded.

“If you don’t mind?” Shantha said as she turned towards Nandini’s parents.

“Uh..Oh..Well, if it’s okay with you?” Nandini ‘s father spoke this time. “Don’t go very far”, he said looking at Arvind.

“Yes, yes”, Arvind said as he looked at Nandini. “Shall we?” Arvind asked.

Nandini looked at her mother who said “Go Ma..Go”, patting her on her shoulder.

Nandini stood and followed Arvind out.

Two three days had passed, Shantha felt like Nandini was already a part of the family, without uttering a word, she already knew of everyone’s needs and wants in the household. She reminded Shantha of her old self in so many ways.

One day Shantha was sitting in the pooja room, preparing for the pooja, when Nandini came and stood by the door.

“Can I come in?” she asked.

“Yes, of course.” Shantha said looking up.

“Can I help you with something?” Nandini asked playing with her hands.

“Yes, oh I would love that.” Shantha said holding her hands. “You don’t have to be nervous, this will soon be your home.”

Nandini just smiled sheepishly.

“Okay, let see.” Shantha said looking around. “Here you can help me with this”, Shantha said as she held out a yellow cotton bag which had their family name on it. “You can take this and fill these”, Shantha said pointing out to an array of things which included bettle leaves, nuts, a pile of small cloth of silk and in a corner were kept a bunch of silver coins. “Can you do that?” Shantha said looking at her. “Yes of course, there are so many things to give out, are these for those who will come for the pooja to the the Bommai Kolu dolls?” Nandini asked as she took a bag. “Yes they are. We will of course add some fresh flowers, but we will do that as we are heading these gifts out”, Shantha said.

“Wow, you do it so well, all the arrangements for navratri, the whole of Ramadh talks about the Bommai Kolu dolls of this house.” Nandini said as she filled the bag with the contents one by one. Shantha just smiled to herself. “would you like to paint some with me, I add a few every year.” Shantha asked excited at the thought.

“Oh no, your dolls are so beautiful, how will I be able to do justice to it?” Nandini said looking up. “I know you will make lovely one’s.” Shantha said. “I trust you, that’s is why I have decided to have you in this family. One day eventually you will have to take care of all this.” Shantha said holding Nandini’s hand. “I wanted someone just like you, and I know my son, he is very nice, kind and gentle. I assure you, he will keep you very well.” Shantha said this time putting her hand on her head. Nandini just smiled with her head down. “This is our house now, in fact I would love it if you help me with decorating this house for the pooja.” Shantha said.

Nandini had the very next day very religiously sat and weaved lovely garlands of marigold flowers, which she hung all over the house. She made the most wonderful kolam in the courtyard with rice flour.

“Oh wow, Nandini this is so beautiful.” Avni had exclaimed waking up one morning to a house full with flowers all around. She saw Nandini had made four strands at the bottom of each strand of marigold flowers to which four lemons were attached.

“What is this?” Avni asked.

“Oh this is for warding of all evil eyes towards this house and the family.” Nandini said smiling at Avni.

“Will you teach me how to make this kolam?” Avni had asked looking down at Nandini making a lovely one in the center of the courtyard by the tulsi plant.

“Of course, here come take this.” Nandini had said pointing out to the rice flour she had kept in a bowl.

Avni sat down beside Nandini to make the kolam.

Shantha was looking at both of them from behind the pillar. She was so content with herself for finding someone like Nandini for her house. As she looked around the decorations, the fragrance of the flowers filled the house and Shantha’s heart.

However Nandini always faced the cold behavior of Shantha’s Amma no matter how hard she tried. Nandini even made a special concoction of oils for Shantha’s mother in law when she heard of her knee pain. She had even offered to massage her knees every night till she was here to which Amma had vehemently declined “No, no need. Shantha will do it.”

One strange morning, a dear friend of her’s from the village came to visit Shantha. “Oh Nandini is so beautiful. The whole of Ramadh can’t stop talking about her.” She had said sitting down.

Shantha smiled to herself. “Arvind is really lucky, he is already taking such good care of her.” Shantha said recalling how her son took care of all her needs from time to time.

“Shantha..I..I need to talk to you..Umm..”, her friend Rajaswi hesitated as she spoke.

“What happened?” Shantha asked getting worried. “You can share anything you want with me”, she said holding Rajaswi’s hand.

“I..Oh god..Okay I saw Arvind and Nandini the other day. There was something wrong with the way Arvind was talking to Nandini. He was I think shouting at her. I thought I should tell you”, Rajaswi said putting her head down.

“Shouting? No no you must be mistaken.” Shantha said as she refused to believe it. “Arvind would have never done that.” Shantha said.

” Well, I really wish I was. I just wanted to let you know that’s all. I will take your leave now, it is time for the pooja”, Rajaswi said as she got up to leave.

“Sari”, Shantha said as she walked into her house.

“Arvind can never do that”, Shantha thought to herself. She had not brought up her son this way, she thought.

In the evening, as she walked up to the mandir where her lovely Bommai Kolu dolls were kept in steps, she put fresh flowers in front of them. Every year she would wrap the Kolu dolls in the newspaper and safely pack them in a wooden box. She wouldn’t let anybody else handle them. These dolls were very precious to her.

The whole family soon assembled for the aarti, throughout the aarti she kept stealing a glance at Arvind and Nandini. He was just smiling at her and she was engrossed in devi ma’s pooja. Its all well Shantha thought assuring herself .

After the pooja as she went around giving sundal and lemon rice as prasadam to everyone, she saw Arvind showing his eyes to Nandini as if he wanted her to come by his side and stand. Nandini seemed torn between him and her family. She however after a while quietly came and stood beside him. He opened his mouth clenching his teeth but as he saw his mother approaching he kept quiet.

“Arvind, what happened?” Shantha asked.

“Nothing Amma, nothing at all.” Arvind quipped.

Shantha thought she mistook him clenching his teeth at Nandini or did she? but why would he do that? No she was just overthinking, subconsciously Rajaswi’s talk had etched in her mind and it was playing on her now. Arvind is a kind and a decent boy Shantha thought as she continued giving prasadam.

The next day, as she was offering her prayers to tulsi, she felt Nandini standing behind her with her hands folded.

Once she was done, she turned “yes Nandini.”

Without saying a word, she touched her feet.

“God bless you with all the happiness in the world.” Shantha said. She suddenly noticed a red mark on her hand.

“Oh dear, what happened?” Shantha said holding Nandini’s hand. She saw Nandini going red.

“Oh this, I was walking by yesterday, I didn’t notice and a tree branch scratched me.” She said looking down, now her ears too had turned pink.

“Are you sure?” Shantha asked.

“Yes,I am.” Nandini said.

“Come, I will apply some haldi paste on this”, Shantha said as she took her in.

Nandini felt horrible for lying to Shantha but she had no choice. She tried telling her mother, but her mother had said “Nandini, I don’t care about that, you have to realize this family is very prestigious. You are very lucky to be going into this family. If you say anything, it will tarnish your father’s image and mine.” Nandini for the sake of her parents kept quite and lied to Shantha.

As Shantha took her in the kitchen, she applied ghee and haldi paste. Half her mind wanted to, but half of it did not. She still couldn’t resist and asked “Nandini, is there something you need to tell me?” Shantha asked looking into her eyes.

Nandini looked down and shook her head.

“Are you sure? I am like your mother, you can tell me anything.”

Nandini just shook her head in silence.

Shantha did not want to make much of her silence. If she said there was nothing, there was nothing. She had the most lovely daughter in law and her son would look after her like a queen and she knew it. He was her son, a ardent worshiper of Devi Ma, he could never think of harming a woman in any way. They were perfect for each other, Shantha knew it, her heart knew it.

Shantha had got up very early that day, she was preparing mango rice as prasadam for the pooja.

She had ordered a beautiful kanjipuram silk saree for Nandini for the Saraswati pooja today and a matching veshti for her son. She would have them exchange rings today. She couldn’t help smiling to herself thinking about it.

It was really early and everyone was still sleeping, the sun hadn’t come up yet so Shantha had time before her morning prayers.

Suddenly she heard some noise, it went away, then it came back again, only it became louder this time.

Shantha worried ran out of her kitchen. She could hear someone pleading “please I am so sorry.”

As she closed in, she saw two figures standing at a distance by the porch, there were diya’s lit in the diya stand – kuthuvilaku, which were tied to the roof of the porch. Through that light she saw her son and Nandini.

“What are they doing there so early?” Shantha thought.

“I am your fiancée and you dare disobey me”, Arvind said in a firm tone holding Nandini’s hand.

“Please, you are hurting me.” Nandini said. “My mother has a headache, I need to be with her, I can’t come with you”, she said as she tried freeing herself.

“No! I am going to be your husband now, you will do and act as I say. Do you not realize who I am, whose son I am, what privilege you are getting to be wed to me, still you have the nerve to talk back to me”, Arvind said holding her hand even harder.

“In my family, women do as they told by men”, Arvind said twisting her hand as Nandini whimpered. “Please, please leave me, stop hurting me. Let me go.”

Shantha stood there in complete shock. All this while she kept telling herself her son could never mistreat Nandini in any way, yet he was standing there talking things which was utter balderdash. She couldn’t fathom those words coming out of her son.

“I hadn’t brought him up this way. Where did I go wrong?”

Those words rang inside Shantha’s head, the more it did, the more her blood boiled, a rage so bad begin to build up inside her as Nandini pleaded to be let gone, her son raised his hand to hush her up. Shantha shouted at him with all her might.

“Arvind!”

Arvind and Nandini turned around, it was dark as the sun hadn’t come up yet. Through the diya’s light they could see a lady standing at the corner of the porch, her hair was open and came uptil her waist, her eyes were wide with anger, her face was red with indignation, as she came forward, they both saw her face. It was true as her Athai had once said, Durga Ma resided in Shantha, only today she came out in the form of kaali Ma.

Shantha always looked so peaceful, however if someone had seen her today, they would have realised what Ma looked like when she was angered, her face, her self wasn’t at peace anymore.

Shantha was irked, and she was very angry. Something very wrong had happened and she had to set it right.

Arvind took one look at his mother and left Nandini’s hands in fear. It was a look he had never seen on his mother’s face. It scared him beyond words.

Nandini curled up into a corner.

“How dare you?” She said walking towards Arvind.

Hearing her voice everybody came running into the porch.

“What do you think? Shouting at my grandson this..”, her mother in law stopped halfway as she she saw Shantha’s face.

Shantha slapped Arvind so hard, he was thrown to the side. Everybody stood in shock.

Shantha was no longer in her right senses, she was furious, very furious and she wanted to teach him that women can’t be treated like objects.

She was such a true devotee of Ma that she too felt a part of her residing in herself, so today her anger was not vented out at Arvind but as Ma she wanted to come to Nandini’s aid who too was her true devotee.

Mr. Iyer ran and caught hold of Shantha as she walked over towards Arvind. When she did not stop, he came in front of her as Shantha raised her hand to slap her son again.

“Leave.” she shouted.

“No Shantha, Shantha please stop.” Mr. Iyer said holding her by the shoulders.

“I said, leave me.” Shantha screamed with her hands raised.

Mr. Iyer had no other choice, he took Shantha in his arms and said “No, I won’t let you go till you calm down.”

For a while Shantha just kept wriggling in his arms until she finally stopped shaking.

Mr. Iyer could hear her breathing heavily now against his chest. “It’s okay, breathe.” Mr. Iyer said.

As Mr. Iyer held her, she tried to calm down, the rage inside her began to die. She tried to relax.

Shantha sat down on the floor panting and sweating.

“Avni, water.” Mr. Iyer shouted.

“Here Appa, I have got it already”, Avni said holding out the glass to her father.

He took the glass towards Shantha who took some water in her hands and splashed it on her face as her face was now burning. She then drank some water.

As she came back to her normal self with Mr. Iyer holding her, She looked around and saw Nandini curled up into a corner, Shantha ran to her.

“I am so sorry, please forgive me”, Shantha said as she broke down.

“What happened?” Her Athai asked as she walked up to Shantha.

“Arvind, my son.. I saw him mistreating Nandini, he twisted her hand and was almost going to hit her. I saw a red mark on her days back, I had asked her also but she did not say anything.” Shantha cried.

“Oh, for this, you created such a big scene”, her Amma said as she helped her grandson get up.

“He is my grandson, he is the man of this house. So what if he spoke to her a little harshly?” She said.

“Your son never spoke to me like that”, Shantha retorted hugging Nandini who was crying in her arms.

“Oh I wish he had, you wouldn’t have dared spoken to me like that.” Amma said in resentment.

“Amma please”, Mr. Iyer finally spoke up. “I have never mistreated Shantha nor do I expect our son to. No woman will be disrespected in my household”, Mr. Iyer said looking at Arvind. Usually he never spoke, but today one could sense the anger in him too.

She just grumbled under her breath and made Arvind sit by the bench.

Nandini’s mother stood sobbing in a corner, Shantha walked up to her “I am sorry but I can’t let this wedding take place now. It’s not your daughter, it’s our son. He isn’t deserving of your daughter. I will not get him married till he doesn’t learn how to keep a wife.”

“Amma”, Arvind spoke holding Amma’s hand.

“Don’t you dare!” Shantha shot back. “I have worshiped Ma all my life, I will not tolerate a woman being ill treated in this house. If you can’t learn to respect one then you can stay single all your life”, Shantha said with her eyes going red again.

She turned back to Nandini’s mother who said “Every one knows about them, who will marry my daughter now?”

“She is my daughter now.” Shantha said. “Her marriage is now my responsibility not yours”, Shantha said as she held Nandini’s mother by her shoulders.

“Forgive me Devi Ma”, Shantha thought to herself. “I was going to do such a big blunder, my blind love for my son would have ruined her life. I see you in her, I see you in her eyes, in her mannerisms, in her simplicity. I see you in her devi Ma, that’s why I wanted her to be a part of this family, but nevertheless if not as my daughter in law, she will now be a part of this house as my daughter.”

 

Credits

Thanks a lot, Keerthika for bringing me closer to the culture to write this story.

“Are you sure dadi?” I asked sounding stunned.

“Yes I am, it’s time I give it to someone I trust the most. I am giving this to you because you never lost faith in me.” She said as a tear rolled down her cheek.

“Oh Dadi, I always believed you and now everyone does”, I said as I held her hand.

“I might not need it anymore. You keep it as my greatest treasure, will you?” She said as she placed her diary in my hands.

I stared at the little black diary. All these years we would find ways to read this, we had all pondered for years over what she would write in it everyday.
She was so secretive of it, she wouldn’t let anyone come near it. Many a times I had seen her smiling to herself, or crying while filling those pages. This was truly her greatest treasures.
“Dadi I don’t know if you should give this”, I said still looking at the diary.
She closed my hand with the diary in it and said “You should have this, only you will come to respect it, I know.” She said smiling at me. Now go, I am very sleepy, it’s been a long long day.” She said as she lay down. “Put this blanket on me, will you beta?”
“Yes Dadi, good night”, I said as I put the blanket on her, switched off the lights walked away with the most precious thing in my hand.
“Why did she give it to me?” I thought feeling her diary in my hands.
As much as I wanted to read it, I wanted to put it away safely for I did not want to invade her privacy. “But she gave it you Simi.” I thought. Probably there was something in it she wanted you to know. With my heart racing I ran into my room before anybody else could see me. I closed the door behind me and sat down to read. As I turned the page it read

2 April 1956
I found this book by the empty plot months ago but today I finally have something to write in it. I heard Dadaji telling Papa that he has seen a boy for me. He is in the Army. He showed his photo to Papaji. I nudged Minti so many times to go have a look, but we all know how it is. Nobody can dare say a word in front of Dadaji. I saw my Papa smiling as he saw the photo. How I wish I could take it from him. He went in to the kitchen to show the photo to badi beeji and mummy. Even they smiled. I saw a tear trickle down my mummy’s eyes.
I had to see him, as soon as Papaji left the kitchen I ran to mummy and asked her, “how is he?” Beeji retorted “are you shameless, how can you ask how is he?”
“Beeji I am marrying him, okay, then you tell me how is he?” I asked as I sat down beside her on the kitchen floor.
“Look at her, asking me how he is.” She said as she went back to cutting the vegetables.
“He is in the army na beeji?” I said now pressing her legs in a bid that she would tell me something.
“He is nice, has mustaches.” She finally said smiling.
“Mustaches! I don’t want to marry him.” I said.
This time beeji hit me on the head “you silly girl, we never asked you, your dadaji has already said a yes. This is not for you to decide. Come here and help me. You are getting married now. When will you learn?” She said angrily as she handed me the knife.
So now I know he is in the army and has mustaches, but how is he? Tall, dark, fair, cute or handsome. If I asked beeji more she would really thrash me today I thought as I began to cut the vegetables.

Simi giggled to herself reading the diary. She couldn’t fathom the fact that her grandmother was so anxious of how Dadaji looked. She flipped the pages to where she finally got married.

4 June 1956
Today is the 10 th day and I haven’t seen the front door of my house. I don’t understand the big fuss is, they have just locked me inside the house. My friends had come to play the other day and beeji shooed them away. I am just getting married why don’t they want me to come out. Anyways Minti is coming in sometime. I have learnt how to wear a saree by now and will wear my wedding saree soon. I love the smell of fresh henna on my hand, mummy made it just yesterday, I can’t help thinking about him. I can’t wait to see him. After weeks of thinking how he looks, how he would be. I will finally get to see him today.

“She hadn’t seen Dadaji at all before her wedding”, Simi thought to herself while reading. How weird?
She read on. Same date different time.

4 June 1957
I think I almost dug my nails so deep in my palms that I have hurt myself. I can hear the baraat coming. I Can also see from my room window onto the porch. My family are all running around trying to get everything in place. Everybody is so happy, and I am just sitting here in the room. You own wedding is so boring. Everyone is out there talking laughing and here I am all alone.
As the baraat approached, there was so much crowd at the front gate. I still managed to take a peek at him. He was on top of the horse. For a second I thought he looked at me. My heart skipped a beat when I saw him. There was something in the way he smiled at me. Now I know that the moment when our eyes met we were in love. I also know that I can’t wait to spend my life with him.

Simi smiled to herself and she read further.

15 June 1957
“It gets a little difficult to walk with the ghunghat but I am getting used to it . I almost walked into a window today. I can’t see that well, how does one walk with something covering your face all the time. I don’t see him the whole day. They are always in other section of the house and I in another with my mother in law and hers. Just the other day he came at the kitchen door where I spent most of my day now. He asked for water, that was the first time I heard him speak. My mother in law looked at me and gestured me to give him water.
I was so nervous I almost stumbled as I got up. I handed him a glass of water, as I held out my hands I felt his hands touch mine. It was like a lighting that ran through my body. I just froze in that moment and went completely red in the face, thank god for ghunghats, nobody could notice me blushing.

Simi flipped the page.

24 July 1958
Today is such a special day. I couldn’t sleep all night knowing he would come today. I did not tell anyone in the house. He had to know first. I got up so early and got ready. I Kept looking at the front door so many times from the kitchen window, his beeji almost hit me on my head. “Where are you lost? Get back to your work.” She said sternly.
The moment I heard a knock on the door I knew it was him. I ran towards the door when I saw bauji walking into the porch. I had to retrace my steps and look through my ghunghat.
There he was standing in his uniform. He looked so smart in it. I felt so proud every time I saw him in his uniform. He touched bauji s feet. “God bless you beta, God bless you with all the happiness.” He said. “Come, come.”
I saw him searching for me, he finally saw me standing beside the pillar.
“Bauji, I will just freshen up and change. Then I will come and sit with you.” He said gesturing me with his eyes to come with him.
I ran back to the kitchen. “I spilled something on my saree, can I change and come?” I said sheepishly.
“Ya you spilled something, was I born yesterday. Don’t I know my grandson has come. Whole day you din’t do any work but just stared at the door.” She said.
“Go now. What are you looking at me for?” She said.
I ran into the room. I saw him waiting inside for me. I took my ghunghat off and looked at him smiling at me. As he opened his arms I ran right into it. His arms wrapped around me. “I missed you”, he whispered in my ear.
“Why do you leave me and go then?” I said.
“I am sorry, I wish I never had to”, he said ruffling my hair.
“I have to tell you something, you are going to be a father.” I said finally looking at him.
He opened his mouth in excitement but tears came out instead, he hugged me again so tight and said “oh, you make me the happiest man on this earth.”

SImi’s smile grew wider. She was actually reading about her grandparents. How her grandmother fell in love with her dada and it was too cute she thought. She now flipped the pages to the date, all of them especially her grandmother dreaded all her life.

15 September 1960
I will not believe a word anybody is saying. He just went for his duty. I know he will come back. My heart knows he will. How can they say something has happened to him. For the first time I spoke in front of everybody, after so many years I finally spoke. When that General said “I am sorry bauji but we could not find him. As the enemies were closing in, we had to go away. I am sorry but we will have to believe he is no more. Either he was already killed or even if he was alive they will kill him.” He said as his voice broke taking his hat off.
Beeji broke down hearing this, I have never seen her bawling this way. She was uncontrollable. Baauji went into a shock, for so long he did not react at all.
I could not digest it, how could he go? How could he just disappear into thin air. It was just not possible. How could everyone believe he is gone?
I stood up and asked the general “Have you seen his body?”
“No beta, but ..”
“That’s it, you have not seen him dead. How can you come here and tell all of us he is dead.”
“There is no chance ..” he started.
“I am sorry sir ji for daring to talk to you but I know one thing that he is alive. My heart knows. The day something happens to him, I will know. Till I am alive and breathing, he is alive.” I said as tears came streaming down my face and I couldn’t talk anymore.
He tried to console me but I did not want to listen.
At this point beeji slapped me so hard I almost fell. She screamt “How dare you. You have become so shameless that you would talk to a man who is a stranger to you in front of us. Have you no feelings, your husband just died?” She said.
I don’t know where I gathered so much courage from and God knows from where but I screamed back “Beeji, even you think your grandson is dead. I won’t! I will not believe he is dead till I see his body in front of my eyes. He promised me he would come back. I just know that nothing has happened to him and he is alive.”
I won’t believe anyone, let them perform his last rituals, I am not wearing that white saree. I will drape in the brightest red one, wear a big red bindi and red bangles. He loved me in them. I will live as his wife not his widow.

Simi just stared at the page, she could see blotches here and there on the page. It looked like her grandmother had cried immensely while writing this.
All these years everyone told her, “he will never come back. It has been so many years.” She always hushed them and then cried like a baby. She would always say “I know he is alive, my heart will know the day he dies.”
As impossible as it seemed, Simi always believed her Dadi from the start. There was something in her eyes that was so convincing, Simi too for her Dadi’s sake believed that one day he would come back.
She remembered as a child, her mother used to tell her that after a while everyone started rendering her beeji as mad.
“Oh Uma, the death of her husband, has done this to her.” One Aunty was heard saying when her Dadi had walked in, in a shimmery gold and red saree into a pooja a few years after her husband had dissapeared.
“I don’t know what to do”, her mother in law had said. We have yelled her left and right. Sat down with her and consoled her for hours to make her believe he is dead. He was my son, but I can’t run away from the truth but this girl refuses to believe anyone. How I also wish he was alive, but you tell me if he was, he would have come back by now.” She had said hiding her face in her pallu. “I know she has gone mad. She had lost it the day she heard of his death.”
 For years people made fun of her, jeered at her, but her beeji never lost faith. She would dutifully do karva chauth every year. She would pray for him every morning. Put on her bindi everyday. Every fast she did for him, every prayer she said was a hope that he would come back, it just made her conviction even stronger.

As I read on it said

17 April 2007
“Even my sons laugh at me, our sons. They don’t believe you are alive. Do they not realize our hearts beat as one. How can I be alive if you are no more. I know you will come back one day. You promised me before you left “I will come back no matter what because I love you. We have a lot more memories to make.”
When you will come back, we will start from where we stopped. We will make our memories afresh. We will live, laugh like there is no tomorrow. We will be together again.

Simi had read fairy tales as a kid. So many love stories. Yet there was one right in her home that touched her the most, every time her Dadi would cry trying to convince someone of him. She would come running to her beejis aid “please stop it, don’t keep saying it. If she says he is alive, he is”, Simi would say hugging her Dadi.
There has to be some justice to her love, her patience, her wait. I used to ask God everyday. Don’t torture her like this, if he is there please bring him back.
Little did I know against all odds my prayers, more than mine her prayers would be answered soon.

There was an open firing in the border a few days back, our soldiers had walked into the other side to bring back an injured soldier where they stumbled upon a hut. They found an old man chained inside.

I still remember the day the phone rang. We were all sitting by the porch. Dadi was sitting in a corner knitting a sweater. Shortly after the phone rang, my father came running into the porch.
He was panting, his face was red. I could read excitement and shock all over his face. He turned towards Dadi fell on her feet and cried like a baby.
After some ten minutes, he finally gathered himself together. By this time all of us gathered around him worried.
“Ma, I am sorry, I am so sorry. Please forgive me Ma”, he said holding her feet.
Beeji looked at him perplexed “what happened?” she asked holding his hands.
“All these years, nobody believed you, he is alive Ma. My father is alive.” My father said as he broke down again.
Dadi’s s eyes widened. Tears came streaming down her face. As she tried to wipe them, she folded her hands in prayer to God and started to cry.
I couldn’t contain myself any longer I went and hugged her. She cried and cried and cried. I just held her and let her cry. It had been 55 years. 55 long years my Dadi had relentlessly waited for him to come back, day and night. 55 years she spent convincing everyone around her he is still alive. Such is the power of love, only her heart knew he was still alive.
“How?” My mother asked.
“They found him on the other side. Chained in a hut”, My father said.
“Chained?” Dadi gasped.
“Dadi forget about all that, he is coming home!” I said in excitement.
“Yes they are bringing him. I have to go the headquarters to receive him.” My father said as he got up to go.
“I will come with you”, Dadi said getting up.
“No Ma, you can’t go. You are not well, please stay. I will get him.” My father said pressing her hand.

Dadi wasn’t well for a long time. Her heart was very weak and she had 90% blockage. She had become very frail off late the doctor had said last week “It’s like she has no life left in her anymore. Her heart is getting weaker by the day. Sometimes I feel like she is not letting go. She is still holding onto something. Last time I said she won’t last six months, now it’s been a year, I am surprised with her heart so weak. God knows why God is not letting her go peacefully.”
Now I knew why, but you took so long I said looking up as if talking to God, but thank God you kept her alive till this day. I thought as I tried wiping a tear.
Dadi walked into the kitchen with her walker and sat by the stool.
“Dadi what are you doing here”, I asked. “You should go rest, he will be here in sometime.”
“I will make kheer.” She squeaked like a little girl. For the first time I saw her eyes gleam with excitement.
“Dadi, I will make kheer”, I said.
“No”, she rebelled. “I will, he loved the kheer I used to make.” She said as she smiled to herself.
“Dadi it will take hours, I don’t want you falling sick, not today.” I said.
She looked at me like a little child trying to pacify me into having her way.
“Mom”, I said looking at my mom.
“It’s okay beta. Ma we will all help you, but you make the kheer”, my mom said winking at me.
She smiled at my mother like she never had before.
After we were done with making kheer. I took her up to get changed. She rummaged through her cupboard and took out a bright red saree .
“Dadi, are you going to wear this?” I asked.
“Yes. She said smiling running her hands through the saree. “You know Simi, he had got me this the first time he took me out”, she blushed like little girl when she said it.
I had never seen her this happy, this content. Of course she used to smile and laugh a lot but her eyes were always sad. Today I could see her eyes filled with joy.
She wore her bright red saree, big red bindi, blood red bangles. Dark kohl in her eyes.
Even at 76, Dadi looked so beautiful. She was glowing like a new bride.
“How do I look Simi?” She asked smiling at the mirror.
“Oh Dadi, you look beautiful.” I smiled as I remembered how she looked earlier in the day. I went back to the diary, I had to know how she felt when she saw him in so long.

8 December 2015
As I sat by the chair on my porch, I kept looking out for him. He was finally coming, he was finally home. After all these years I would see him walking through that door again. Only time had changed so much, I don’t have to be in a ghunghat standing in a corner waiting to steal a glance at him. So much had changed in so much time.
I saw two shadows approaching. As everyone ran to the gate. Just like I had years back, I tried peeping through the crowd to look at him. No he wasn’t on a horse this time. He was waking by his son. He stood there by the gate looking around trying to remember a home he had returned to years later. For a second he searched for me and our eyes met. I knew the moment our eyes found each other, we had fallen in love all over again, and I again could not wait to share my life with him.
He walked towards me. Of course he was older, very very weak, his face had sunk in, his hair had gone white. He couldn’t walk straight, had to walk with our son’s support, but still nothing had changed, the way he looked at me, the way he smiled, his warmth, I could still see the love for me in his eyes. Nothing had changed. It was just like starting from where we had stopped.
“Meenu”, he said as he stood by me.
My eyes just went blur. I just held his hand. How I had longed for this moment. I cried, he wiped my tear and said “I told you I will be back, sorry I am a little late”, he said smiling as he took help from our son and slowly sat beside me.
His face was aged so much, it was so scarred yet his eyes were just the same. His hands had become so weak and wrinkled yet his touch had the same warmth it did years back.
We just looked at each other, there was so much to say, so much to ask, there were so many questions yet time just stood still when I looked into his eyes. How after so many years I found the same solace looking in his eyes I did years ago. How without saying anything,we spoke so much in just a few seconds.
I looked at my family who was looking at both of us with equal excitement.
“How are you?”, I asked. “Are you okay?” I asked worried.
“Oh yes”, he said looking down at his hands.
“Ma I don’t think we should talk about it right now”, my son said as he put his hands on his father’s shoulder.
He held his son’s hand “So big you have become, he was so small, just ..”
“5-6 months when you saw him last”, I said.
“Has it been so long.” he asked looking at our son.
“Yes, it has”, I said wiping a tear.
“Yes, it’s been very long”, he said looking down again.” He paused as he looked around at the courtyard, but I am okay, I can talk about it.” he said patting our sons hand which was on his shoulder.
“Soon after they caught me, they realized I was a code breaker. They did everything possible to have me help them.”
Everything possible I thought as I clenched his hand.
“I did not give in, they use to drug me and get their work done.” He said shuddering, but
now I am out .The only thing that kept me alive was your face”, he said looking at me. “The promise I made you, I had to come out one day”, he said holding my hands. “Thanks for never giving up on me, thanks for waiting”, he said. “Our son told me”, he said as he looked at our son.
“I just knew it”, I said looking at him.
I knew it I kept repeating in my head. I knew he wasn’t dead.

Simi started to cry as she read the diary. Her Dadi had finally won after years, she finally made everyone believe that she wasn’t mad, she wasn’t crazy. She looked around at the wall clock, it was almost five. Time had just flown by Simi thought reading her Dadi’s diary.
Suddenly she heard a scream. It was her mother.
“Ma”, her mother shouted.
Simi ran up to her Dadi’s room, half knowing what would have happened.
As she stopped by her Dadi’s room door, she saw her mother crying by her Dadi’s feet.
Simi knew she had gone, her Dadi had gone.
She suddenly realised her Dada wasn’t in the room. She ran to the library next door and opened it, She saw her Dada on the rocker with a book on his chest, the way his body was lying, she realized he too was no more.
“Maa”, she yelled.
Her mother came running “oh god”, she said as she walked in.
“Aman.. Aman..where is your father, Simi?”, she yelled as she sat down down crying.
“Mom don’t cry”, I said sniffing.
“I know it’s horrible but Ma I know..I know they both are happy.” I said still holding onto the diary in my hand. My mother looked at me in bewilderment.
“This is why Beeji was not letting go, she was waiting for him. They have gone Ma..They both have gone but to a happier place where they are…together.”

Like any other girl, I too had dreamt of a being a bride, of having a prefect dress, and a perfect man.

How as we grow up and realize things are really not as perfect as they seem, we still hold on to a prefect wedding, a perfect marriage.
Like any other girl when I wed my husband in a fairy tale wedding, which my father gave me for he knew how much his little princess wanted one. With a bunch of excitement and dreams in my eyes, I walked into my new home with my husband, this is what I dreamt it would be like. Like any other girl I dreamt my wedding only until the wedding, so oblivious to what had to happen next.

As I woke up next morning, I refused to open my eyes for I was waiting for my mom to get me my glass of milk, when suddenly a loud knock on the door sprung me awake. I looked around and realized I am not home, a grief pierced through my heart so bad to realize my mom would never wake me up again.
“It’s 9:00, get ready and come out!”, came an authoritative voice from outside.
Reality hit me as I replied, “yes mom”. I held on to my watch and tried waking my husband up, “it’s not for me, you should get up, they need you”, he said as he turned over.
I made my way to the bathroom and got ready. I was so tired, I wish I could be in my PJs but was now draped in a saree, I struggled to stand straight in.
Fear gripped me as I had to walk out of the door into a place unknown to me, walk out to be with people who were complete strangers to me yet were my family now.
I staggered my way across the hall, and saw a bunch of eyes looking at me from head to toe like I was a show piece. My mother-in-law came running and hushed, “you forgot your bindi, go put it right now”.
I ran back-in frantically searching for one as I felt I had failed my first test.
As I went back-out, tears flooded my eyes, I tried stopping them as I closed my eyes.
“I want my morning milk, where is my breakfast mom, I am hungry, I am really tired can I please sleep some more!” were the words that echoed in my head, as I walked out into a place where eyes were ready to judge me, I realized I had already failed my test before it began.
It dawned on me that the little girl who underneath her tent dreamt of a perfect wedding never saw this coming where she would not be home anymore.

“Why is the key not getting in”, he fumed.

“You are not doing properly”, I said.

“Oh really you want to try?”, he said stepping aside.
I stepped in and casually turned the key *click*, “there”, I said opening the door and walking in.
He just looked at me and walked in.

“Mom, I am hungry”, my 4 year old son wailed.
“Yes Arnav. Give me a second, I will fix something for you”. I said keeping my bag by the table.
“Rajeev..could you hold him for a second?”, I said looking at him.
“Ya Arnav come here, we will get you changed”. He said taking him in.
I walked into the kitchen to make something my 4 year old would happily have. When I was finally done feeding him. I took him in to sleep .
“Rajeev we are going”, I said.
He did not respond as he was now busy with laptop, his phone kept buzzing by his side to which he kept smiling to.
After I had called him for the third time did he look up, “good night Arnav”, he said and was back to his laptop.
As I was taking Arnav to the room, my eyes stopped upon a picture of us on the wall, it was just after we were married. Our hands were wrapped around each other, there was a twinkle in our eyes which was so hard to miss. Anyone who saw that photo said we looked so much in love. My heart sank the longer I looked at that photo.
I peeped into the hall and saw him still stuck to his laptop.
What happened to us. We were so much in love. We were? “No, I am sure we are”, I thought to myself as I walked my son into his room and lay him down.
There was a time we couldn’t sit without snuggling up to each other, those whispers, those giggles, his touch, the warmth, it all seemed like distant memory.
“You know Amaya, how thrilled I am at the fact that we are getting married”, he had said holding me tight.
“To be with you all my life, to come home to you, wake up next to you. Our life will be so great from here on”, he had said.
I too, then had thought life would be so lovely to have him by my side for my whole life. Yet today we did not share more than 2 lines with each other. Forget hugging, I did not remember the last time we held hands or even looked into each other’s eyes. The most we spoke about was Arnav, or the groceries we had to pick up on the weekend or the bills we had to pay.
Somehow the love was lost. Though he was right in the other room, he was miles apart from me. Though we stayed together, he was not living me. The distance creeped in so eerily between us we did not even realize, I am not sure if he even realizes it yet.
It was like a facade we were putting up of being happily. In the process of living with a job, household responsibilities and bringing up a child, we had lost each other in the journey and I quite did not know how to make my way back. How to get Rajeev and Amaya smiling at each other like in the picture again.

“We will make our life beautiful together”, he had said. Guess life had taken over us, we definitely did have a life, unfortunately I was not in his nor he was in mine anymore.

I tried to push my three kids out of the car. “The hotel is here”, I shouted. “Going on a vacation with kids is not a vacation.”, I reminded myself.

As I got down, my husband got hold of all our kids and dragged them into the hotel. One by her tee, one by his hand and one by the waist, as he was all ready to break into a run.

I got out of the car and the hotel manager was standing outside to greet us. As I held my hand out to greet him, my hand froze the moment they met his. A rush of ice and fire ran through my body. It was like being jerked into an era I had erased from my mind, well I tried my best to. Just by that touch I knew who he was and as much as I wanted to I did not want to look up.

“Hi Natasha!”, he said taking my hand in his.

His voice bore into my ears and dug up memories that just flashed by me like a bee sting. I closed my eyes and thought “oh God, years ago I had thought and hoped for us to have a chance encounter but like this, why?”

I took my hand back and realized I suddenly lost my balance to stand straight. “Umm”, I said trying not to look at him.

“Cute kids you have there.” He said looking at my husband struggling with them in the reception.

“How ironic.” I thought.

“Natasha is there something wrong.” He asked.

My head sprung up at him. Looking into his eyes bought back all the pain I had thought had gone away but apparently it was just buried somewhere inside. It hit me so hard I could feel my chest ripping apart.

“No”, I said, trying to sound as normal as possible and started to walk away.

“It’s been so many years Natasha, I never thought I would see you this way and…”, he paused.

“I never got to tell you how truly sorry I am for what I did to you. She wasn’t worth our rel..”

“It’s okay.”, I half screamed trying to stop him into taking me on a ride back into those times.

“I am, I really am.” He still continued, “and you have no idea how much I regret it even today.” He concluded.

Just what I did not want to hear, I thought please say something stupid for me to hate you again. I looked towards the reception at my family, “that is your reality now Natasha. A loving husband, three great kids, not this guy, not his betrayal, not the pain which had hit me from nowhere after so long.”

Still my heart longed to look at him, to tell him how much he hurt me, to tell him how much I had loved him, how after so many years his presence still made me weak in the knees, as much as I hated it, he did. My heart longed to hold his hands again and feel his warmth as much as I knew how horribly wrong it was. I had a husband who loved me beyond words and this man betrayed me and left…but my heart, my silly heart who knows no logic, no right or wrong, still longed for that one last kiss.

Many years ago the viceroys of Britain came to India and were amazed by its beauty and wealth.
“How do we conquer this country? It’s so abundant in it’s richness and beauty.”, asked one British to the other.
“I have stayed here for a while, this country might be rich but the men here are fools. The only way we can rule this nation is to divide them and then rule. Let’s make this country’s diversity its biggest weakness. Let’s divide them based on their caste, religion and region.”
Alas that’s what they did and were very successful in it. They divided is made us fight among ourselves and ruled us for decades to come.
Today we are a free nation, free from the Britain rule but we are still caged in our thoughts. We as a nation still stand divided in different religion, creed, caste. The day we all stand as Indians and nothing else is the day we will truly start prospering as a nation.

“Grandma he was so handsome, did he not realise that?” questioned her perturbed granddaughter.
“Of course he did. I think he did know that he was a good looking man.” grandma said as her fingers ran through the dusty old pictures.
“…but why do you ask such a silly question?”, grandma asked half smiling at her granddaughter.
“It’s so obvious. He looks so good in these pictures but look who he married. Isn’t she the one he is holding hands with?”, she re-confirmed pointing at the picture.
“Yes. That’s Martha. A lovely vibrant lady she was.”, grandma said staring into space.
“Grandma I am sorry but she doesn’t look good at all and she looks so much shorter. He could have got someone so much prettier, so much better. He looks so good and smart.”, the granddaughter insisted this time looking dreamily at him in the picture.
“So they should have not been together because she did not look good enough for him?”, grandma asked.
“Look at him and then look at her!”, she said pointing at Martha in disbelief. “it does not make sense to me.”, she concluded.
Grandma sighed “this is the problem with your generation.”
“What grandma?”, she retorted.
“Love to you has such a different meaning, but you are so young now dear it sure does mean different to you”, grandma said ruffling her hair.
“Love is not how handsome or pretty someone is or how smart someone is.” Grandma continued.
“They can be smart and pretty but what if they are not good at heart, what if they don’t care for you?”
“Umm so he was with her because she was good at heart?” the granddaughter joked.
“Yes, Martha was a lovely lady who loved him, cared for him with all her heart. Do you know this handsome man you see here in the picture met with an accident ten years from when this picture was taken and was completely paralysed. He was ten years older from this.”, grandma said pointing at the picture.
“He did not look as good as here. His illness had taken over his charming personality and face.” grandma said.
“He got irritable, he would yell, be rude, sometimes weep for no reason but Martha…she never left his side. She stood by him like a rock, cared for him like he was a little baby. Took all his moods with great poise. Was there by his side till his last breath. That is love and that is why he married her. Not for her looks but for her heart.”, Grandma finished with a tear in her eyes.
“Oh”, the granddaughter said holding her grandma’s hands.
“Dear, let me tell you something.”, grandma continued looking lovingly at her granddaughter. “Don’t love someone for how good they look or dress or how smart they are, it will all fade away one day. One day you will get old, frail and cranky like me.”, she said jokingly. “You would not need a handsome husband by you at that time but a loving and a caring one who holds your hands to help you get up when your knee hurts, who understands your moods and takes care of all your needs without hesitation, someone who is there for you through thick and thin. Marry someone with a good heart sweetheart. Being good at heart never fades away, in fact it only makes the love between you stronger.”, Grandma concluded as she held her granddaughter’s hands tightly. Tears flooded the granddaughter eyes as she nodded back at her grandmother.

 

Featured photo by Gerard Moonen