Meet the Parents
Chapter Five (Taken from the book 'What if Moses was in Congress' free download on www.ikonresources.com
Meet the Parents
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.” (Ray Romano)
(Exodus 20:12) "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”
It is a mistake to read this unchanging commandment as a simple charge on how to behave towards parents. It springs from a deeper passion, a greater ethic and a far more encompassing principle. The first four commandments are vertical obligations towards God: ‘You shall have no other gods before me…you shall not make for yourself an idol…you shall not misuse the name of the Lord…remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.’ The next six are the horizontal obligations to each other summarized in Leviticus (Leviticus 19:18) “…love your neighbor as yourself…” Jesus said all the law and prophets hang this and that there was no greater commandment. The Hebrew word for ‘neighbor’ means anyone in close proximity, especially loved ones. We have no country without neighbors and no neighbors without family and no family without a mother and father – at least at conception despite the news that Korea has cloned a human embryo (MSNBC 2004). The first four commandments are led by ‘honoring God’. The second set by ‘honoring our parents.’
Family offer unconditional love, protection and life-long companionship. Family is our first church, school, hospital and government. In it we learn the difference between young and old, male and female, resolution of conflicts, communicating ideas, thoughts and feelings, enjoying life and enduring pain. Family creates perfect parameters for discovering acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Our respective families are the principle place for spiritual, moral and emotional training. In this Fifth Commandment we find that honoring our parents is a virtue even if they do not live up to God’s expectation. There are three areas parents will cover found in the ideal home - biological, legal and nurturing parents. Let me present six illustrations of dilemma.
Firstly, a boy who is abandoned at birth but raised by a man and woman who adopted him, who does he honor – his biological or legal and nurturing parents? Secondly, a girl is born into a loving family and becomes attractive to her own father who sexually abuses her. Is she to honor the man who went way beyond nurturing? Thirdly, two siblings raised in a home of professionals where provision is made for a life of success. The children give their hearts to Jesus in a youth meeting with a married couple in the church become surrogate parents to the boy’s spiritual life. Who do they honor – the mother and father who provided to their worldly needs or the couple who provided to their spiritual needs? Fourthly, a young man raised in a home where his parents have never been sober from early evening to midnight. He has learned to physically fight because his father beats him with fists most nights. Does he have to honor his father? Fifthly, a young girl is raised by her biological mother with a series of men that come into her mom’s life through flings, affairs and illicit relationships. Does she honor her biological father in prison or the various stepfathers who gave her $20 to go out to the mall so they could have her mother that night? Finally, three young children who have a loving mother and father but eventually fell out of love with each other and sadly divorce. Both parents remarry. Who do the siblings honor?
To answer these questions of dilemma we must first understand what ‘honor’ is. The Hebrew word means ‘to be heavy’ or ‘to give weight.’ If an object was heavy, in the ancient world, then it was considered valuable. Gold, silver, bronze and precious stones were valued according to their weight. In the same way we are to give our parents great weight. It has been said not all human beings have a mother and father – meaning Adam and Eve. But they did have parents in God. (Jeremiah 31:9) “…I am Israel’s father…” (Isaiah 66:13) “As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you…” God our Father has great weight. If your parents neglected nurturing you or legal obliging you, then you can still honor them for biologically bringing you into the world. If God has commanded that we honor our parents whether they are biological, legal or nurturing – he will make a way for it even if all three are found in three different couples. Remember that ‘mother’ and ‘father’ are verbs as much as they are nouns. A parent may have authority in the eyes of the law but that does not qualify them to be our spiritual guidance. Our parents may not be Christian so God provides, in the local church, couples that can give direction for our spiritual life.
God blesses different forms of parenting simply because he commands it. (Romans 16:13) “Greet Rufus, chosen in the Lord, and his mother, who has been a mother to me, too.” When Paul thinks of Rufus he cannot help but think of his mother who recognized the loss of Paul’s family once he became a Christian. (Philippians 3:8) “…for whom I have suffered the loss of all things…that I may gain Christ.” Paul gave weight to her. (John 19:26-27) “Then Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, ‘Dear woman, here is your son,’ and to the disciple, ‘Here is your mother.’ From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.” John was to write three epistles, a Gospel account and under persecution receive the Revelation of Jesus on Patmos. Do not think that Mary had no influence in this. Jesus gave weight to Mary by honoring her in his last dying moments.
Let me share with you a story of how to honor your parents in the most difficult situations. The story is fiction. When Alison was growing up she feared her parents. By evening they were in an alcoholic stupor. There was no help with homework. It led to an insatiable quest for love, which led to promiscuous sex during Alison’s teenage years that led to long tearful nights of contemplating suicide. But she gave her heart to Jesus at a youth meeting. Years later on a woman’s retreat she recounted memories of her parents - how her father would go fishing with her making a big deal out of a small catch and the thrill of cooking it over an open fire. She remembered her mother for the skills she had as a host in the kitchen which led Alison to open her own restaurant. She did not criticize her parents with bitterness and resentment nor did she live in a denial of whom they were making them out to be something they were not. But she made a conscious decision to honor them for all the good memories they had created. What memories can you recall as a focal point for this commandment?
A parent, grandparent or great-grandparent will sit in the center of a family portrait surrounded by other generations. But never pretend that our parents were something they never were. The portrait may place them in a seat of honor but their parenting towards you might not have been great. Even so, if you have never met your parents you can still honor them for giving you life. A kind word like that will heal many wounds. If your biological, legal and nurturing parents are found in one couple remember what is required of you. (Luke 12:48) “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.” If you have legal guardians remember your obligations. (Colossians 3:20) “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” I believe there are many children, of all ages, that can reclaim this commandment in practice for themselves. Listen to the scriptures. (Leviticus 19:3) “Each of you must respect his mother and father…” (Proverbs 6:20) “My son, keep your father's commands and do not forsake your mother's teaching.” (Ephesians 6:1-3) “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’--which is the first commandment with a promise—‘that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." These were the scriptures that America stood by for nearly 200 years. During the 1960’s they were lost as parents became bothersome, irrelevant and an imposition. The rebellion of that era is now institutionalized as the mainstream for life in our country. There is now growing contempt for the elderly captured in the Wall Street Journal on caring for parents over 90 ‘Is it really worth it?’ I read several shocking stories that belong to the European Middle Ages, but sadly, belong to our own generation:
In April 1996 the Howard family in Missouri sat down with their 76 year old mother suffering from Lou Gehrig’s disease. She consented to a mixture of orange juice, alcohol and sleeping pills. As she fell unconscious her son placed a plastic bag over her head in front of his own son. Before their trial federal judges in California and New York struck down laws against assisted suicide. Prosecutors then dropped all charges against the Howard family.
The New England Journal of Medicine in July 1994 stated 54% of physicians in Washington State approve of assisted suicide for the elderly. The lawsuit: Compassion in Dying verses State of Washington saw the court of appeals strike down laws against suicide for the terminally ill elderly. The Supreme Court overturned it but they left a door open to reconsider it in the future. Judge Steven Reinhardt stated: ‘we also realize that terminally ill patients may well feel pressured to hasten their deaths…out of concern for the economic welfare of their loved ones. Faced with the prospect of astronomical medical bills, terminally ill patients might decide it is better for them to die before their health care expenses consume the life savings they planned to leave their families…we are reluctant to say that…it is improper for competent, terminally ill adults to take economic welfare of their families…into consideration.’
This is terrible, but many live a life captured in the statement: ‘Parents are to provide for me when I am unable to do so for myself. Once I’m on my own, so are they.’ But the Fifth Commandment elevates parents to supreme value. Parents are repositories for wisdom. When we forget the experience of our parents we are doomed to repeat it. There are no new moral dilemmas. They may be cloaked in new technology and terminology, nevertheless, nothing is new. The debate of assisted suicide for the elderly is not a new one but was argued in the days of Socrates the Greek. Parents possess a knowledge we have not lived through yet. They obtained it from their own experience or from their parent’s experience. Each generation has entrusted to it a wealth of experience but are we listening to parents anymore? In the 1950’s our parents knew that an immoral lifestyle caused pain both physically and relationally in syphilis. Because we did not listen to our parents we have the same dilemma with a different name – aids. Long before the 1969 Stonewall riots promoting gay rights, homosexuality injured the psychological makeup of a man. We have to relearn some of the painful lessons already understood by our parents. Experience handed down by parents will initiate the promise of the command in you “…that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” When you honor your parents it creates a vehicle of mercy to another generation. (Matthew 5:7) “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.”Jewish Rabbis considered parents partners with God. They cooperate with God by conceiving children. God is the author of life but has chosen parents as the medium of it. There are no other two human beings connected to you like biological parents. NKJV (Luke 2:40) “And the child grew and became strong in spirit, filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon him.” (Luke 2:52) “And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.” What was the key to Christ ‘increasing’ as a person? (Luke 2:51) “And he went down with them and came to Nazareth, and he was subject to them…”
Meet the Parents
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.” (Ray Romano)
(Exodus 20:12) "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”
It is a mistake to read this unchanging commandment as a simple charge on how to behave towards parents. It springs from a deeper passion, a greater ethic and a far more encompassing principle. The first four commandments are vertical obligations towards God: ‘You shall have no other gods before me…you shall not make for yourself an idol…you shall not misuse the name of the Lord…remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.’ The next six are the horizontal obligations to each other summarized in Leviticus (Leviticus 19:18) “…love your neighbor as yourself…” Jesus said all the law and prophets hang this and that there was no greater commandment. The Hebrew word for ‘neighbor’ means anyone in close proximity, especially loved ones. We have no country without neighbors and no neighbors without family and no family without a mother and father – at least at conception despite the news that Korea has cloned a human embryo (MSNBC 2004). The first four commandments are led by ‘honoring God’. The second set by ‘honoring our parents.’
Family offer unconditional love, protection and life-long companionship. Family is our first church, school, hospital and government. In it we learn the difference between young and old, male and female, resolution of conflicts, communicating ideas, thoughts and feelings, enjoying life and enduring pain. Family creates perfect parameters for discovering acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Our respective families are the principle place for spiritual, moral and emotional training. In this Fifth Commandment we find that honoring our parents is a virtue even if they do not live up to God’s expectation. There are three areas parents will cover found in the ideal home - biological, legal and nurturing parents. Let me present six illustrations of dilemma.
Firstly, a boy who is abandoned at birth but raised by a man and woman who adopted him, who does he honor – his biological or legal and nurturing parents? Secondly, a girl is born into a loving family and becomes attractive to her own father who sexually abuses her. Is she to honor the man who went way beyond nurturing? Thirdly, two siblings raised in a home of professionals where provision is made for a life of success. The children give their hearts to Jesus in a youth meeting with a married couple in the church become surrogate parents to the boy’s spiritual life. Who do they honor – the mother and father who provided to their worldly needs or the couple who provided to their spiritual needs? Fourthly, a young man raised in a home where his parents have never been sober from early evening to midnight. He has learned to physically fight because his father beats him with fists most nights. Does he have to honor his father? Fifthly, a young girl is raised by her biological mother with a series of men that come into her mom’s life through flings, affairs and illicit relationships. Does she honor her biological father in prison or the various stepfathers who gave her $20 to go out to the mall so they could have her mother that night? Finally, three young children who have a loving mother and father but eventually fell out of love with each other and sadly divorce. Both parents remarry. Who do the siblings honor?
To answer these questions of dilemma we must first understand what ‘honor’ is. The Hebrew word means ‘to be heavy’ or ‘to give weight.’ If an object was heavy, in the ancient world, then it was considered valuable. Gold, silver, bronze and precious stones were valued according to their weight. In the same way we are to give our parents great weight. It has been said not all human beings have a mother and father – meaning Adam and Eve. But they did have parents in God. (Jeremiah 31:9) “…I am Israel’s father…” (Isaiah 66:13) “As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you…” God our Father has great weight. If your parents neglected nurturing you or legal obliging you, then you can still honor them for biologically bringing you into the world. If God has commanded that we honor our parents whether they are biological, legal or nurturing – he will make a way for it even if all three are found in three different couples. Remember that ‘mother’ and ‘father’ are verbs as much as they are nouns. A parent may have authority in the eyes of the law but that does not qualify them to be our spiritual guidance. Our parents may not be Christian so God provides, in the local church, couples that can give direction for our spiritual life.
God blesses different forms of parenting simply because he commands it. (Romans 16:13) “Greet Rufus, chosen in the Lord, and his mother, who has been a mother to me, too.” When Paul thinks of Rufus he cannot help but think of his mother who recognized the loss of Paul’s family once he became a Christian. (Philippians 3:8) “…for whom I have suffered the loss of all things…that I may gain Christ.” Paul gave weight to her. (John 19:26-27) “Then Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, ‘Dear woman, here is your son,’ and to the disciple, ‘Here is your mother.’ From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.” John was to write three epistles, a Gospel account and under persecution receive the Revelation of Jesus on Patmos. Do not think that Mary had no influence in this. Jesus gave weight to Mary by honoring her in his last dying moments.
Let me share with you a story of how to honor your parents in the most difficult situations. The story is fiction. When Alison was growing up she feared her parents. By evening they were in an alcoholic stupor. There was no help with homework. It led to an insatiable quest for love, which led to promiscuous sex during Alison’s teenage years that led to long tearful nights of contemplating suicide. But she gave her heart to Jesus at a youth meeting. Years later on a woman’s retreat she recounted memories of her parents - how her father would go fishing with her making a big deal out of a small catch and the thrill of cooking it over an open fire. She remembered her mother for the skills she had as a host in the kitchen which led Alison to open her own restaurant. She did not criticize her parents with bitterness and resentment nor did she live in a denial of whom they were making them out to be something they were not. But she made a conscious decision to honor them for all the good memories they had created. What memories can you recall as a focal point for this commandment?
A parent, grandparent or great-grandparent will sit in the center of a family portrait surrounded by other generations. But never pretend that our parents were something they never were. The portrait may place them in a seat of honor but their parenting towards you might not have been great. Even so, if you have never met your parents you can still honor them for giving you life. A kind word like that will heal many wounds. If your biological, legal and nurturing parents are found in one couple remember what is required of you. (Luke 12:48) “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.” If you have legal guardians remember your obligations. (Colossians 3:20) “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” I believe there are many children, of all ages, that can reclaim this commandment in practice for themselves. Listen to the scriptures. (Leviticus 19:3) “Each of you must respect his mother and father…” (Proverbs 6:20) “My son, keep your father's commands and do not forsake your mother's teaching.” (Ephesians 6:1-3) “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’--which is the first commandment with a promise—‘that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." These were the scriptures that America stood by for nearly 200 years. During the 1960’s they were lost as parents became bothersome, irrelevant and an imposition. The rebellion of that era is now institutionalized as the mainstream for life in our country. There is now growing contempt for the elderly captured in the Wall Street Journal on caring for parents over 90 ‘Is it really worth it?’ I read several shocking stories that belong to the European Middle Ages, but sadly, belong to our own generation:
In April 1996 the Howard family in Missouri sat down with their 76 year old mother suffering from Lou Gehrig’s disease. She consented to a mixture of orange juice, alcohol and sleeping pills. As she fell unconscious her son placed a plastic bag over her head in front of his own son. Before their trial federal judges in California and New York struck down laws against assisted suicide. Prosecutors then dropped all charges against the Howard family.
The New England Journal of Medicine in July 1994 stated 54% of physicians in Washington State approve of assisted suicide for the elderly. The lawsuit: Compassion in Dying verses State of Washington saw the court of appeals strike down laws against suicide for the terminally ill elderly. The Supreme Court overturned it but they left a door open to reconsider it in the future. Judge Steven Reinhardt stated: ‘we also realize that terminally ill patients may well feel pressured to hasten their deaths…out of concern for the economic welfare of their loved ones. Faced with the prospect of astronomical medical bills, terminally ill patients might decide it is better for them to die before their health care expenses consume the life savings they planned to leave their families…we are reluctant to say that…it is improper for competent, terminally ill adults to take economic welfare of their families…into consideration.’
This is terrible, but many live a life captured in the statement: ‘Parents are to provide for me when I am unable to do so for myself. Once I’m on my own, so are they.’ But the Fifth Commandment elevates parents to supreme value. Parents are repositories for wisdom. When we forget the experience of our parents we are doomed to repeat it. There are no new moral dilemmas. They may be cloaked in new technology and terminology, nevertheless, nothing is new. The debate of assisted suicide for the elderly is not a new one but was argued in the days of Socrates the Greek. Parents possess a knowledge we have not lived through yet. They obtained it from their own experience or from their parent’s experience. Each generation has entrusted to it a wealth of experience but are we listening to parents anymore? In the 1950’s our parents knew that an immoral lifestyle caused pain both physically and relationally in syphilis. Because we did not listen to our parents we have the same dilemma with a different name – aids. Long before the 1969 Stonewall riots promoting gay rights, homosexuality injured the psychological makeup of a man. We have to relearn some of the painful lessons already understood by our parents. Experience handed down by parents will initiate the promise of the command in you “…that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” When you honor your parents it creates a vehicle of mercy to another generation. (Matthew 5:7) “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.”Jewish Rabbis considered parents partners with God. They cooperate with God by conceiving children. God is the author of life but has chosen parents as the medium of it. There are no other two human beings connected to you like biological parents. NKJV (Luke 2:40) “And the child grew and became strong in spirit, filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon him.” (Luke 2:52) “And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.” What was the key to Christ ‘increasing’ as a person? (Luke 2:51) “And he went down with them and came to Nazareth, and he was subject to them…”
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