Dear eema, 

Your candle burned out yesterday. Not figuratively. The Yahreit candle completed it's cycle a little more than a week after you did. What do I do with it? Do I just throw it away? I'll ask Google.

The days following shiva have been quiet. But that's a good thing right now. I have my husband and my dog to keep me company and yoga and meditation to keep me centered. I even did a little gardening. I will think of your lifelong love of plants each time my hands dig into the earth. All in all, I think i'm doing okay...  that is, until someone offers me their condolences. 
Then the floodgates open. 
It's brand new again. 
Someone is looking at me with such kindness and I burst. 
What's up with that? 


The books say i'm supposed to be gentle with myself during this time. That grief comes in waves. Yeah, I get that. Apparently, for me, when someone tells me that they're sorry for my loss, it creates a sadness Tsunami in me. Don't get me wrong, I love humans and I am touched by the outreach of support, it just seems to be the thing that reminds me of where I am. I'm riding the wave and waves are unpredictable. But it hasn't even been a full two weeks yes, so maybe I should cut myself some slack here. 
During this morning's meditation I listened to this acoustic version of Hallelujah. It's so beautiful. I found myself wishing that I had added the song to your playlist. Did you like that I played music for you? You couldn't tell me with your words but somehow i'm certain that you were pleased when my friends, Melisa and Simone sat by your bedside and sang to you. The playlist I made, a list of your favorite songs, the ones we used to sing along to together when I was a kid and you drove me around in that large, rust colored, American car with lap seatbelts - your outstretched arm being my cross-the-body seatbelt if we should stop suddenly. Mom's love as my protection. 
Here are the links to the songs from your playlist, in case you have computer access wherever you are and learned how to work a computer. Hey, maybe you're all knowing now. If so, Skype me.I love you. xo,annie

Que Sera, SeraRaindrops Keep Falling on My HeadDon't Worry, Be HappyKilling Me Softly With His SongShaddup You Face