Masochistic:  Meaning 3. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences. (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/maso...)

There is a reason behind my random word definition. I find it easier to understand myself if I fully and completely have control over the meaning of the words I use, or at least understand why they popped into my head.

I seem to have run head long into a bought of masochism, all centered around the last two rejections letter I got for my book which were in tandem, one right after another in consecutive torture. I don't seem to recall when this happened, but I do know that it sent me into a headlong spiral into finding ways to torture myself. Though really, I have to say that it's really the entertainment industry that has inflicted this upon me the unsuspecting viewer. In a way that makes them sadists and me completely innocent. Nevertheless I have run into a rash of reminders that I can't get published.

It started with my day after the first rejection letter (which was needless mean I might add and not constructive at all. I mean literally, about the cruelest thing to do to a person. It was like a person asking for food and being told they couldn't have part of the huge meal that was right before them, and then as an after thought they decided to stab said person in the back as they walked away) where I decided to go and drown my sorrows in my what I love most, books. That I do have to admit was masochistic. I have bought a record fourteen books in around three weeks.

Got home feeling slightly better and got my next rejection letter. I then decided to hack apart the beginning of my book and did so with vengeance, killing it most thoroughly, and then I completely lost my will to write. Completely. I haven't actually set a word or even glanced at my books since that day. I thought to forget about writing completely and just be Meg: Medical Transcriptionist/Box Office Sales at the local theatre. So, I've done nothing but work, read, and watch movies.

Let me enlighten you on the unfathomable choices I have made in said ventures of entertainment:

- Book: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo : About a magazine writer.
- Book: Happiness by Will Ferguson : About a editor at a publishing company (possibly the single best book I have read this year and also the most depressing in terms of my fate as a writer).
- Movie : The Soloist : About a journalist.
- Movie : State of Play : About a journalist.
- Movie : Miss Potter : About a writer.
- Movie: Julie & Julia : About 2 writers.

Anyone else see a pattern here?

Here I am trying to forget about the whole kangaroo court system of publishing and its being shoved unceremoniously back in my face at every corner I turn to get away from it.

I don't know if God is trying to tell me that I shouldn't give up so easily or if the Devil is flaunting my failure in an endless parade. Do I fall into despair or persevere with hope? It really depends on the moment, but lately the pessimist has been winning the battle.