Okay, all you parents out there. You have a clever kid. You're being driven crazy by the fact that zie doesn't seem to be making the most of hir opportunities. This is why. (Piece of advice: Do *not* show it to your clever children, but bear it in mind when dealing with them!)

There's one indelible rule if you're clever (by which I mean 'academically minded', which is not, in fact, the same thing) at school: never hint that you know you're good.

No, wait. There are two indelible rules – never show you know you're clever, and never ever show the teacher you are. There's one thing worse than acting like you know you've got a brain, and that's having the teacher act like she knows you've got one. Au revoir street cred. Auf weidersehn friends. Hello sad corner on your own.

Parents (not to mention teachers – and heaven help you if your parents are teachers) don't get it. They think you're 'being difficult'. God, if only they knew! You're doing all you can to avoid being difficult; being different; standing out.

Teachers may think they've got the power, but as anyone who's been at school knows, the teachers ain't got nothing on the kids. Teachers have you for the odd lesson here or there – classmates are a constant; and if there's any suggestion that you're any teacher's pet (let alone being the type that all the teachers like), your school career – in any social way – is over.

Don't try telling this to your parents. There is an inbuilt faculty in parents which means the forget every detail about their own school days and mutter things about future prospects and wishing they were your age again – a stupid statement that they'd take back within seconds if it actually came true.

The cleverest thing you may ever do at school is hide the fact that you're clever. After all, you need to survive your teenage years to to have any chance of having that glittering future that your parents are sure awaits you- if only you showed your true intelligence. Survival of the fittest? Fuck that. Survival of the most socially aware – that's what school is.