When I don't blog for a long period of time, it's typically not because I have nothing to say. It's because I have too much to say, and I can't even organize my thoughts enough to write them down. Which, for a writer…probably isn't the best practice.

God has wasted no time getting to work on me. It's what I asked him to do, and unfortunately, he listened. Oh sure, now you're going to listen and respond, God? Where were you when I was little and I was shut my eyes real tight and pray that when I opened my eyes, my room would be magically clean and tidy? Or when I was in college and I prayed and prayed for the cute boy down the hall to finally confess his undying love for me? Hmmmmmmm??

I would say I'm being pruned, but that implies having a lot of excess to trim off. I don't have excess. I'm down to the bare minimum, surviving on faith, hanging on to any sliver of good in my life. I think I've been led to a place where I am to solely rely on God and see what he has in store for me. Aaaaand it's terrifying.

I've been learning a lot, though. Learning about myself, about my issues, and about God. I actually learned rather a scary truth about myself recently, and I wonder if anyone else has ever felt the same way?

I think I try to punish God. I look at all the bad in my life and all the bad around me and I lose hope. I put myself in positions to make it nearly impossible for God to bless me. I'm like a stubborn child, standing with my arms crossed and a defiant look in my eyes. "You want to bless me, God? Go ahead and try. I won't let you. I've seen what happened with that marriage. With that relationship. With that family. With that job. I don't want something that's just going to fall apart. So don't you dare come near me."

Folks, that's dangerous. It's stupid and hurtful and reckless…and I'm living it.

Today, on Easter of all days, I look for a new beginning. The God who died a horrible death on the cross for me…and for you…and then rose from the dead to take away all of our sins and give us life eternal…this is not a God who plays with our lives. Who is spiteful or cruel. This is a God who has promised good things for our lives, and who will never leave us or abandon us.

I suppose if I was to be led to a place where I had to rely only on one person, at least that person is God.

Draw near to his promises this Easter. And allow him to bless you. And maybe one day, I'll learn to allow him to bless me too.