Well, here I am. Day 4 in my new (old) home. It's…pretty much as I expected. My parents are being great, I'm sneezing because of the cats, and I wake up very early every morning because there are no blinds on the windows. My mom is gone all day at work, and I've got dinner on the table for her when she gets home at night. It's lovely to be able to cook for more than one person. Tonight will be panko crusted baked chicken and spicy Asian green bean, carrot, and noodle salad. Sure beats driving through Taco Bell on the way home from work.

My emotions have been pretty up and down over the past few days. Part of me feels so free. It's so wonderful to have the chance to start over and let go of many old responsibilities. But another part of me feels a little sad. I guess that's normal. It's very isolated up here. I'm sure I'll feel differently once I start my job in the big city next week.

I think part of my funk is that I'm doing things that are very out of character for me. I am, by nature, a shy person. It takes a lot of energy for me to be in new places with new people. I'm scheduled to start playing in a community band next week where I know no one, and I'm going to a new church this weekend where I'm meeting a friend of a friend. You might look at things from the outside and think "Wow that's great, Heidi is really trying to make an effort to get out there and meet people." It's more like I'm going through the motions doing the things I know I should do and hoping the excitement will catch up with me.

Whatever it is I'm supposed to learn and experience, I'm feeling very resistant to it. I feel like I know best, and this is not where I want to be and invest my time. I know there's a plan and I know this whole thing was my idea, but I'm struggling with the discipline and the waiting part of it.

I believe that God led me here for a purpose, and probably more than one. Is it strange that although I crave change, I am also resistant to it? I guess the pain and sadness comes from the Father chipping away at my stubborn shell to help me uncover something new.

I'll keep going through the motions, and I trust that one day very soon I'll find joy in these new experiences.

For now, I'm finding joy in the fact that my stepdad installed my flat screen on the wall of my bedroom.