Pardon me while I sprinkle my fairy dust over y’all while I mumble….”Come baaccckkkk to Scandal…..” Cuz, Shonda is back and she ain’t playing games! All right….let me get my recap rolling…

This episode opened with the former Vice President, Andrew Nichols in a rehab facility from a stroke he had last season after that ludicrous kidnapping storyline….Andrew, who was behind Liv’s kidnapping in a whole take-over-the-world attack, was hellbent on revenge and was about to spill all the tea to a newspaper reporter. Of course, Liv gathered together the Get Fresh crew and they tried to figure out how to deal with Andrew. “Off him,” said Elizabeth, which they all quickly shot down. Ultimately, they decided to let Mellie go try and get Andrew to stop his quest for revenge. She gave him a spiel about missing his watermelon seeds. He tried to get freaky with her, and she recoiled in disgust, then bolted.

Liv went to Poppa Pope to ask for his help in killing the news story by tapping the reporters’ phone….as he and Jake munched on dinner (why is Jake eating in every episode now?), he told Liv that he’d play her little spy game, but when she was ready to REALLY handle Andrew, come holla at him. To which Liv replied, “I’m not like you.”

Andrew said he’d drop the story for $10 million dollars and a book deal (everybody wants a book deal…but I digress)….The crew debated how to come up with the money. Cy offered a dollar (He’d negotiated immunity from getting into any kind of trouble so he found the whole thing humorous). Abby and Liv said they didn’t have that kind of money (Cy said it was because they were Democrats). Liz offered up five million (she has money because she’s been a Republican all her life)….then after a War of the Roses spat with Mellie, Fitz agreed to put up the other five million.

Liv took the money to Andrew, he laughed and told her he didn’t want the money. He wanted revenge. After Fitz agreed to take the fall for everything, Abby ran to Liv to get her to help change Fitz’s mind. But somewhere in that conversation, Abby started smelling herself. She reminded herself that she was the head bish in charge, so she was going to handle it.

Abby cut a deal with Andrew and threw Mellie under the bus, the train, and the horse drawn carriage. The news story would now be about Mellie’s adulterous affairs.

Not to be outdone, Liv returned to talk to Andrew to see what it was he was really after. Andrew turned into Donald Trump on steroids, disrespecting Liv and calling her all kinds of degrading names. While he berated Liv, she started having flashes back to her kidnapping….then when Andrew called her an aging porn star and a cheap whore, Liv decided to star in her own version of Snapped and give Andrew a seat – literally. Liv channeled her inner Pope and went full metal jacket, beating Andrew to death right there in the White House basement.

Of course, the president came to her rescue. Liv snapped out of her daze, gave Abby a ‘who gon check me, boo,’ speech, then sashayed out the White House as if she wasn’t covered in blood. The gladiators showed up, gave Liv a change of clothes, then took her home where Poppa Pope opened the door with a “Welcome home, Apple,” look on his face.

Whew….yeah, that was a lot…and the kind of stuff that put Scandal on the map. So glad it’s back….now can’t wait til next week when PTSD seems to be kicking Liv’s butt. Can you say “whosoever thinks this couple should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

PS – Now, you know I couldn’t forget about sly Cy….laying up eating brownies in a hotel with Tom…yes, Tom the Secret Service agent Tom. Cy’s compeition, Rico Suave, on the new presidential campaign just so happened to snap some pics of the happy couple….and took the pics to share with Cy’s gigalo-turned-househusband….Can’t wait for that bomb to explode…

PPS – So glad they gave Liv some color this season….now if they can just give her her own man…