We love helping others….folks that have written, who are writing, and who are thinking about writing. But sometimes, oftentimes, we run across some people who make us break out those colorful words that pepper our books.

I was recently at a booksigning. This woman approached me and asked for a few minutes of my time to answer her questions about writing.

“Sure. Just let me sign the books for these people,” I told her, pointing to the line of people standing behind her. Because, after all, they BOUGHT books and you didn’t, I wanted to add but didn’t.

I know finances may keep some folks from buying my books at signings, so I’m always open to dispensing literary knowledge regardless.

The woman acted a little irritated that she had to wait for my line to die down. But she waited. And after the last person, she pulled up a chair, and commenced with the questions.

“So, what do I need to know to publish?”

“Can I send my book to your publisher?”

“How do I become a bestseller?”

“How do I get on Oprah?”

“Can you give my book to Queen Latifah?”

“Whoa,” I said, holding up my hand to stop her barrage of questions. “Let’s back up. How far along are you with your book?”

“Oh, I haven’t started yet,” she casually replied. “I’m just really busy. That’s why I was hoping you could tell me everything I need to know.”

I force that authors-shouldn’t-be-rude smile. “What you need to know is a lot. I do provide consulting services.”

“Oh, my money is really tight. Can you just tell me what I need to do?”

By this point, I’m trying to still give this woman the benefit of the doubt. And then she said, “Oh, don’t tell me you’re one of those bougie authors who have made it and then don’t want to give back.”

Big sigh. “I give back all the time. I work with a number of authors, aspiring and otherwise. Usually, they put in some level of work, though.” Again, I’m thinking, Why am I explaining myself to this woman?

“Well, like I said, I’m really busy and -”

“I’m really busy, too.” I let out another heavy sigh, trying to contemplate how to get rid of her without being rude.

“I’m not much of a reader, so if you can just tell me.”

This time, I don’t bother to hide the shock. “You don’t read, but you want people to read you?”

“Yeah,” she says with an ‘and the problem would be?’ look.

“Oh, since you were at my signing, I just assumed….”

“Oh, I’ve never read any of your books. My friend just told me I should come so you could help me publish my book….”

Most authors will tell you they’ve had this conversation a time or ten.

While most of us will remain tactful, and mindful of the fact that To whom much is given, much is required…but nothing boils our blood like aspiring writers who 1) want information we worked for, handed to them, without work, 2) won’t even bother to pick up a bookmark, let alone purchase a book, yet want us to dispense all this knowledge…and 3) get an attitude when we can’t or won’t give them what they need.

While these are just a few pet peeves, the list is endless…But I think my biggest might have been the woman who spent 30 minutes pummeling “Lashawnda” with questions…if you’re going to ask for help, at least learn the person’s name….

RTB