Every Christmas, my family and I take a road trip to Atlanta, Georgia to spend time with my aunt and her family for a few days. I was excited every single year and out of mom's three children, I learnt the roads, directions, and interstates really quickly. When my mom would drive to give my dad a break, she would rely on me for directions because I knew the way.

Have you ever been confused and placed into a state of uncertainty, where you didn't know where your next step would lead you? I thought I had my life figured out and planned. Shucks! I had a terrific job making a lot of money, a strong support system, amazing friends, and a daily routine typed in Google Calendar of my whereabouts. Crazy, right? People literally could stalk me if they had access to my online calendar. I kept it organized and detailed. My time was so consumed mapping out the next 10 years of my life and developing a solid budgeting plan to help me get my heavy $78,000 college student loan paid for. I watched God go from the driver seat to the passenger seat to the back seat of my life. I was spiritually blinded.

The time I used to spend reading my Bible went to oncall rotation duties at work as well as getting to work super early and leaving work incredibly late. Home was only a napping place in between work opposed to a place of peace and restoration. Any other free time granted was allocated to mapping out my future plans; not really fully understanding God holds my future in His hands. My career and the time spent shaping it became gods over God. They were idols! I was spiritually blinded!

My spiritual life merely consisted of attending church twice a week and any programs held. Putting on a smile and remaining tranquil, I was asked how I was doing. Time after time again, my response would be I'm fine. I knew this was a lie and I knew I was broken and hurting inside! So, why the hidden mask? Why the façade? I was spiritually blinded. I allowed the enemy to beguile my mindset into believing I couldn't trust anyone with my problems and that everyone had enough problems on their own. I didn't want anyone bearing my pain; let alone they have burdens themselves.

I kept drifting away from the things of God and before I knew it reading my devotionals, praying throughout the day, and spending time in worship became optional. The enemy is so cunning, clever, and subtle. The routine seemed monotonous with no benefit. Yet, I love how the Lord chases and chastises. Three to four weeks went by and something had to change! I couldn't deal with or handle mediocre anymore! Normalcy felt like prison bars! It seemed as if my days were no longer productive and I was only keeping busy to escape boredom. The more I accomplished and set new goals, I figured, the more happier and satisfied I would become over time. This was not so!

I felt empty! I felt worthless! I felt like a failure! I felt death! Nothing satisfied my inner longing! The exterior looked nice, but the interior was a mess; tore up to the floor up! Right at this moment, I knew I needed to make Jesus top priority of my life again. However, I didn't! I was hard-hearded! I wasn't ready for 100% surrender and relinquish of control! I wanted my way and my solution! This lead to entertainment. "Entertainment could ease my mind", I said. I began watching R-rated movies at the theaters, fine dining at least three times a day (ordering the best appetizers and desserts from the menu), and hanging out at the bar with my coworkers to bring fun and joy back into my life; even though I've never sipped any alcohol or beer. I visited the bar with them to see them behave foolishly and for scenery. Praise God I never got lured in and stopped before anything dire occurred. All of this and still felt empty!

A dear friend of mine at work recommended yoga and counseling. I already had a hate for yoga, so I sought counseling. Each session costed me a ridiculous amount of money and I felt the psychologist only wanted me to be transparent about my childhood life to be nosy. Every single session was difficult and after session six, I stopped showing up and dropped out. I had trust issues.

One night, I took introspection of my life and asked, "why didn't I heed to God's promptings?" I was spiritually blinded and set in my ways. I figured I would find out the right way eventually if I kept on making mistakes and bruising myself. I'm not sure if that's life or if it's because I'm only 27 years of age. I wanted to explore; you know, dab into the lusts of the world and give the remnants to God. Oh, what a mistake! How could I be foolish? During this time, I learned three times about God:

#1: God is zealous, wants to be #1 in my life, and wants all of me; not partial. This means total surrender and submission to His will and His plans for me.

#2: I'm still finding the right way and the only way that's right is the way that leads to God. He is the way, truth, and life.

#3: God really does love me and chaos is bought to shift my perspective as well as bring my attention back to God because His attention is always on me.

To find God, I must seek Him with my whole heart and cry out to Him for direction. This is how I'll find my way and the right way to go.