TORNBy C.J. Scott
Copyright 2013 C.J. Scott

CHAPTER 1
3 years ago
"I'm going to lose my virginity to Ryder Cavanagh." My declaration was met with snorts of laughter from two of my friends and an eye roll from the third. Not exactly the response I wanted considering it took a hell of a lot of courage to tell them. "What's wrong with Ryder?""Nothing," Kate said, flicking her long brown hair off her shoulder. "He's hot, and a good guy.""Therein lies the problem." Beth stretched out her skinny legs to get the maximum rays on them. There wouldn't be many sunny days left now that we were into October, and we all wanted to keep our summer tans going as long as possible. All except Lucy whose skin burned at the mere mention of sun. "You do remember that I've slept with him, right?" Beth said."And I've kissed him," Kate added.I looked to Lucy, but she just grinned at me. "I've thought about it. Does that matter?""Those things don't bother me." I plucked at the short grass near my hip and tossed it down the slope where we sat overlooking Riverside High's sunken sports oval. Despite it being lunch break, the senior football team was jogging around the perimeter, led by Ryder, their best player. Kate was right. Ryder was hot. From a distance it was easy to appreciate his long strides, his lean, powerful frame and muscular shoulders. Oh yeah, a girl could definitely appreciate those. Up close, it was a similar story. His dirty blond hair had a way of dripping over his forehead into his eyes so that when he looked at you, it was like he was peeking out from behind a curtain. Absolutely adorable. And those eyes were as blue as a Montana summer sky. A sky you could watch all day. A sky that a girl could get lost in if she stared for too long.This girl anyway.According to an unofficial poll of the girls in our senior year, Ryder wasn't the best looking guy in school. Maybe third or fourth, depending on who you asked. But he was streets ahead of the others because he had the whole package—and that's why we all wanted him. He was smart and liked to laugh, something he did a lot, and when he talked to you, he actually listened. He never ignored anyone, never bitched about people behind their backs, never got drunk and did dumb things like the other jocks. He was athletic and a hard worker, especially when it came to training. Everyone knew he was going to college on a scholarship. The football scouts had already approached him and he'd accepted. Yep, Ryder Cavanagh had it all going for him.Which is why he was way out of my league. Girls flirted like crazy with him to get his attention, but although he'd kissed a few and even had some one-night stands, Ryder had only ever had two proper girlfriends. They'd both cheated on him with numbers one and two on the Hotness Poll. Idiots.If he'd been my boyfriend, I would never have looked anywhere else. But then I'd been in love with him ever since I could remember. As neighbors in the small Montana town of Winter, we'd grown up together, gone to elementary together and now high school. We'd jumped on his trampoline as kids, sat side-by-side on the banks of the river near our houses and fished for entire afternoons, just the two of us. We'd made slingshots and tree houses, nursed a sick bird until it could fly again, and talked about everything and nothing. More recently, I'd helped him with his English assignments and he'd shown me how to make sense of algebra. After the death of my parents when I was ten, he'd been the only kid to speak to me in that first week. Everyone else had given me a wide berth, as if I were a fragile piece of glass that would break if they spoke to me. Not Ryder. On the day of the wake, he'd taken my hand and led me into the hollowed out shrub we liked to hide in and said, "I know what it's like to lose a mom. Guess losing a dad is bad too, huh?" Our bond became even stronger after that. When we were kids, it was like having a brother, but when my hormones kicked in at fourteen, I'd begun to see Ryder as something else. Someone I wanted in my life forever. As my soul mate.I was deluding myself. He was so far above me that it was a miracle he could breathe the rarified air up there. I knew this. At least, my head did. My heart still held out hope, even though I'd watched him laughing and holding hands with other girls. Even after Kate kissed him and Beth admitted to sleeping with him. To be fair, neither knew I had a massive crush on Ryder. I'd never told anyone the depths of my feelings for him. Until now."I shouldn't have said anything," I muttered. I felt about as small as the ant crawling over my leg. Beth, Kate and Lucy all exchanged glances, then Beth put her arm around me. "Sorry, sweetie. You can talk to us."Kate scooted closer. "I didn't even know you liked him that way.""I thought you saw him as a brother," Lucy said, looking down at the football team. They'd stopped jogging and were doing stretches at the side of the track. "The way you joke with each other and talk…I just didn't think you wanted anything else from him.""Shit," Kate said with a wince. "If I'd known, I would never have kissed him at Kelly's party. I'm so sorry, Jane.""You think you feel bad." Beth groaned. "Honest, Jane, I would never have slept with him. Ever." They all looked at me with varying degrees of sympathy, pity and worry. I wasn't the only one who knew Ryder was out of my league. They all did, and none wanted to say it to my face. They were awesome friends and I loved them all.It was Lucy who broke the silence. She sucked on her lower lip and let it go with a pop. "You know, maybe it's not a good idea to get involved with him now. He's heading off to college after graduation. His life's going to change in a big way and he probably won't come back to Winter except for the occasional visit to see his dad.""Lucky him," Kate muttered. Of all of us, she couldn't wait to leave town. While all three of them planned on going to college, she was the one who wouldn't be crying when it came time to leave in the fall."You couldn't go with him," Beth said. "You love this place. Anyway, you wouldn't leave your Gran." They knew me so well it was scary.They all exchanged glances again. I hated when they did that, like they'd spoken about my future behind my back. Their conversation had probably gone along the lines of: "Poor Jane will be stuck here until her old Gran dies." But I didn't mind. I loved Winter. I knew they worried about me staying here while they went off and did whatever it was college girls did. They didn't get that I didn't want to leave. The problem was, I also loved Ryder Cavanagh and the girls were right. As soon as college started, he was going to put Winter behind him and start a new phase of his life. A hugely exciting life, and one he'd worked hard to achieve over many years. He freaking deserved that scholarship and I was as pleased for him as anyone, maybe more because he'd spoken to me a thousand times about his dream to become a pro footballer. Talking about it lit him up and he got this look on his face, like someone who knew their dream was within their grasp.I got all that, but I was going to miss him like crazy. Something I'd yet to tell him. It was my hope that he'd realize he missed me too, and come home to Winter whenever he could, even retire back here. With me, of course. Yeah, I was thinking looooong term. I was patient. I could wait."You've got until graduation," Kate said, grinning suddenly. "Oh man, you're going to send Ryder Cavanagh off with a bang.""Literally," Beth said.We fell over each other, giggling. By the time we'd recovered, Ryder and the rest of the team had gone. I stopped laughing, and swallowed heavily. I was kidding myself. How was I going to make him notice me in that way? How did Plain Jane Merriweather stand a chance when there were girls as gorgeous and fun as Beth throwing themselves at him?"There's loads of time until he goes to college," Kate said. "Months and months."Beth gasped. "Prom night! We'll drop some subtle hints that he should ask you, and then, later, when he's driving you home…" She batted her eyelids and made a kissy face. The other two giggled again, but my stomach rolled. I was beginning to regret I'd said anything. Reallyregret it. "Do not ever tell him I like him." I pointed my finger at each of them, especially Beth. She was the fun, lively one, the one who could talk any guy into bed, who could be friends with any girl, and the one with the tendency to talk before she thought. "Got it? I want to keep somedignity when this is all over."***The first cracks in their plan began to show when Ryder got another girlfriend. Tina was a year below us and had blossomed over the summer. So much so that Kate thought she'd had some work done and got a boob job when she was supposedly holidaying in California. No matter how the transformation had come about, she was suddenly the It-girl and had her choice of guys. She chose Ryder.They were all over each other until April when they suddenly broke up. Nobody knew why, but Tina moped around school, glaring daggers at any girl who went near Ryder, so I'm guessing he ended it, not her. Part of me felt sorry for her. It was right before the prom and if she was anything like most girls, she would have had the whole evening planned in her head. I knew I did, and I didn't even have a date. I'd been asked—twice—but neither guy was someone I wanted to spend an evening with let alone have in my prom photos. In years to come, I either wanted to look back and see Ryder standing next to me, or no one. According to my friends I now had a chance with Tina off the scene, but I wasn't going to grasp at rainbows. Ryder would be able to smell desperation a mile off. Besides, I was worried about him. He wasn't acting himself lately.I told him so a week before prom. He drove me home like he often did when he didn't have training after school. Instead of getting out of the car, I turned to him."Talk to me," I said. "Something's bothering you and I want to know what it is." The good thing about being long-term friends with someone is that you can ask them anything. Almost anything. I wasn't going to ask Ryder to relieve me of my virginity, for example.He shrugged and looked up at my house through the windscreen. "It's nothing. You know, your gutters need fixing. Dad and I'll come round on the weekend.""Thanks. Stay for lunch. But that's not answering my question.""I did answer it. I said nothing was wrong."I leaned across him and switched off the engine. I was momentarily distracted as my shoulder brushed his chest and my long hair fell into his lap. It didn't help that, when I straightened, he'd turned those beautiful blue eyes on me. "This is serious," he said, one corner of his mouth kicking up in that sexy way of his. "Should I be worried?""I just want a proper answer. Don't brush me off, Ryder. Something's wrong and I want to know what it is."The smile vanished and shadows passed over his eyes. He looked away, as if having our gazes connect was too hard for him, or too scary, because I might read something in it that he didn't want me to see. "What makes you think something's wrong?" he asked."You've been quiet lately.""It's the end of the year. There's a lot going on and I'm busy.""Too busy to go out with your friends?""I'm coming over here on the weekend to fix your gutters, aren't I?"I tilted my head to the side and gave him a glare, but that only brought a smile to his lips. I couldn't do the glare thing as well as Kate or Beth. "You didn't go out last Saturday to Jordan's party.""That's because Tina would have been there.""That's the other thing. Why are you avoiding her?"He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "She's not taking our break-up too well.""Can you blame her?" I wouldn't either if I'd been dumped by Ryder Cavanagh. "What do you mean?""You two were all over each other for months, then right before prom, you tell her it's over."He winced. "Yeah, the timing's bad. I should have done it earlier so she had time to find another date.""Why did you break up with her?"He rested his elbow on the window frame and rubbed his hand across his eyes. He looked weary and worried, two words I never associated with Ryder. I put my hand on his arm. The muscles tensed beneath his T-shirt then relaxed."Tina was fun for a while. I liked her company. And she's hot." He gave a short laugh, but it lacked humor. "That's not enough?""Sure it is, for a high school girlfriend. But she started getting more serious. She talked about what would happen after I graduate, how I'd better not look at any college girls, how she'd join me after she graduated in another year.""And the problem is…?""The problem is, when we started dating, she was all set to go to New York or LA and get into modeling or acting. She changed her dream because of us. Because of me." He shook his head and stared straight ahead. "That's wrong, Jane. No one should do that for another person.""But if she loves you—""She thinks she loves me. Jesus, Jane, I thought you were more sensible than that. I thought you at least didn't believe in love and all that crap."I flattened myself against the door and blinked at him. "Of course I believe in love. With the right person. If Tina's not the right person for you, then…" Woohoo! "Then, you did the right thing and let her go.""Did I?" He turned so he was facing me. "Because I feel like shit for dumping her, especially just before prom. But I thought if I let it go on, it'd be crueler in the long run. It didn't seem fair to let her think I was going to continue the relationship after I graduate." He had a look on his face that I hadn't seen since his dad had a heart attack years ago. Vulnerability. Ryder was always so confident, so sure of everything. It hurt me to see him like that.I took his hand, something I hadn't done in years. When we were kids, we held hands if it was part of a game, or just to run together down the drive to meet the postman. But not anymore. Ryder closed his fingers over mine and gave me a sad smile of thanks. He didn't need to say anything, but I knew he appreciated the gesture. Whatever happened after he left Winter, I wanted him to know that I would always be on his side, that he always had a friend in me."You definitely did the right thing," I told him. "Just don't expect Tina to see it that way.""I know. She's going to hate me now, isn't she?""Oh yeah. She'll bad-mouth you all over school.""I can handle that.""I know you can. You're strong."He sighed and looked down at our linked hands. "Not really." There was that note of vulnerability again, a hint of something being not quite right in Ryder Cavanagh's world, and it had nothing to do with Tina. I was going to probe further when he spoke first. "So who're you taking to the prom?"The question was so out of left field that I just stared at him for a few seconds. He withdrew his hand from mine and arched an eyebrow, waiting."I, uh, no one.""What? Why?"I shrugged. "No one I want to go with has asked me." Considering the only person I wanted to go with was Ryder, the pool of contenders was minuscule."Seriously? What's wrong with these guys?"I laughed. It was hard to tell whether Ryder was flattering me or being genuine. He did look puzzled, and he frowned instead of smiled, so maybe he wasn't joking. "Let's show them what they're missing out on," he said.My laughter died and I'm pretty sure my mouth fell open. It's even possible that my eyes bugged out of my head. "Um…""That's all you can say? 'Um?'" He grinned. "Come on, it'll be fun. At least if we go together we know we'll both have a good time."Oh yeah, we sure would! Stay cool, Jane. Don't scare him off. "Okay. Why not." "Great." He gave me one of those amazing Ryder Cavanagh grins, the sort that lit up his entire face. The memory of that grin stayed with me for the rest of the week as I scrambled to find a dress that flattered my figure. As my friends liked to point out, I wasn't fat, I was curvy. On a good day, I believed them and I liked how a low cut dress looked on me. On a bad day, when the tall, skinny girls pranced around the shops in slinky dresses, I knew I'd never be able to compete with them. And those were the sort of girls Ryder was going off to meet in college. But for now, he was mine. Prom night. I was going to make the most of it.


CHAPTER 2
Still 3 years ago
"Um…" Ryder's dumbstruck stare as he picked me up was a balm to my soul. He stood in the doorway, corsage box in hand, and took in every inch of me, head to toe. Twice. It took all my self-control not to cover myself up, but I got through it with only a deep blush. Beth, the most confident of all my friends, would have been proud of me."Um?" I echoed. "That's all you've got to say?" It was a repeat of our conversation from when he asked me to the prom, only in reverse, except he didn't seem to notice. He was too busy not meeting my gaze and adjusting his tie. The tap tap of Gran's cane on the floor behind me heralded her arrival. "Hi, Mrs. Merriweather," Ryder said, moving past me. He kissed Gran on the cheek and patted her hand. "Doesn't Jane look beautiful?"Gran was a little bit blind and quite a bit deaf, but she seemed to know who was speaking to her and hear what he said. "Of course she does. She gets her looks from her father." My father was her son, and according to Gran, all of my good traits came from him, and all my bad ones from Mom's side. When I looked at photos of them both, it was clear that I had more in common with Mom than Dad, but it wasn't worth telling Gran that. The Merriweathers were one of God's greatest creations according to her and she couldn't be swayed from that argument, not even now that the Merriweathers consisted of just the two of us and the town they'd built around their timber mill was dying, crumbling away as surely as the mansion she and I lived in together.Dear old Gran, as stubborn as she was old fashioned, and the only family I had left."I'm glad it's you taking her, Ryder," she said in a soft voice. "Better a Cavanagh instead of one of those other boys.""What other boys?" he asked.She waved her hand, the one that held the cane, and almost whacked me with it. "Any of them."Ryder arched a brow at me. I shook my head, dismissing his question. Gran didn't know about the two other guys who'd asked me to the prom. She was just saying weird things for her own amusement.Ryder handed me the box and helped me loop the corsage strap around my wrist. "Ready?" he asked."I'll be late, Gran," I said, kissing her cheek. "But call if you need me. I have my cell.""Call my dad," Ryder told her. "He's closer." He winked and opened the front door for me.I felt like Cinderella being led to her carriage by her prince. Okay, so the prince never saw her carriage, but the idea was the same. I was floating on air as we drove off, my heart fluttering inside my chest. Ryder was silent most of the way to Beth's house in town, and that gave me a chance to relive the moment he'd first seen me. I would never forget the way his face had looked—awed at first, like he couldn't believe I was Jane Merriweather, then his eyes had heated and I'd seen something I'd never seen before. Desire. I now knew why Jane and Kate liked to wear sexy things. To have a guy you wanted look at you like he wanted to lick you all over was an amazing feeling. Powerful.Beth's parents took photos of the four of us then we drove out of Winter and into Riverside, a half-hour away. Winter was too small to have its own high school, so the handful of kids from Winter either caught the bus or drove to school every day. We met Kate, Lucy and their dates outside the community hall, had more photos, then finally went inside. The hall still looked bland and cold, but with streamers added. A bit lame, but the decorations committee had to work with a limited budget. It didn't matter anyway, because everyone seemed to be having a great time. Looking around, it was hard to tell that anyone had come with dates. Most of the girls stood together, checking out the other girls, and most of the guys stood on the other side doing the same thing.Ryder stuck with me. Being Ryder, everyone came up to him to say hi. He was a magnet, and not just for girls, but guys too. They all wanted to be his friend, be noticed by him. I'd seen it before, of course, but this time I was part of it. It was surreal. We were the sun and everyone else the planets revolving around us. Those who didn't know we'd come together, soon did. The way he told them too, with a hint of pride and wonder in his voice, didn't make me feel like a charity case either. I received a few comments, mostly from guys who said something along the lines of, "Wow, you look great, Jane!" Some of the girls were nice too, but many gave me a closed-mouth smile or ignored me altogether. "How did she score him?" one girl whispered to her friend as they walked off. "They're neighbors," the other said, as if that explained everything. "Tina's not going to like this."That turned out to be the understatement of the century. Tina looked amazing. Supermodel amazing. She knew it too. She stood a good head taller than most girls, except Beth, and the back of her dress plunged almost to her butt. I was pretty sure she wasn't wearing a bra—something I couldn't get away with, sadly—and the evening was cool enough that her nipples were showing through the white fabric. If she knew it, she didn't care. Most girls would try to hide them, but not Tina. She sauntered past the guys and they all stared, panting. All except Ryder. Whether he was ignoring her on purpose or he just hadn't taken any notice of her, it was hard to tell. He seemed to be enjoying himself. He danced, sometimes with me, he talked and laughed with his friends, making sure I was included in the conversations if I wasn't off with my own friends. Once, while he was deep in conversation, he put his arm around my waist as if it were a natural thing to do and did it all the time. I don't know what happened for the next few minutes. My head spun, my heart completely lost its rhythm, and I felt a little nauseated. Somehow I managed to keep cool, at least on the outside, until Ryder seemed to notice what he was doing and let go. I stood there like a mannequin, wondering what, if anything I should read into his actions.I decided that he must have forgotten that he was with me. He was Ryder and I was Plain Jane, and we were just friends. There was no chance I'd be anything more to him. Not tonight, not ever. He'd asked me to the prom out of sympathy, told me I looked good out of obligation, and put his arm around me out of absent-mindedness. I was deluding myself thinking anything had changed between us.I muttered an excuse and left. I didn't look back to see if he watched me leave, but he certainly didn't follow me. That alone said it all.I went outside to get some fresh air, but the air soon became too fresh. I didn't want to return inside yet so I headed around the corner, out of the breeze. I leaned against the cold brick wall and closed my eyes. I didn't cry. I'd never cried over Ryder and I wouldn't start now. He'd never promised me anything more than being his date, and I had no right to expect otherwise. But my heart ached like someone had stuck a hook through it and was trying to pull it out between my ribs. Low voices startled me and I opened my eyes. As they drew closer, I recognized them both. Ryder and Tina."Let me pass." Ryder's voice held a hint of impatience. "I'm looking for someone.""Who?" "Just move out of my way please." "Oh my god! It's that fat cow, isn't it?" "Don't." The word was like a steel blade cutting through the crisp night air.Tina snorted. "I know you're friends, but Jesus, Ryder, she's so ordinary. Why did you have to come with her? Everyone's laughing at you behind your back, you know.""You mistake me for someone who cares.""You should. He sighed. "Stop it, Tina. It's over between us and it's got nothing to do with Jane. Okay?" "It doesn't have to be over." Her voice had turned smoky, throaty. "I'm so hot for you, Baby. Let's go to your car.""That's enough, Tina. I'm not interested anymore." Fabric rustled and I heard footsteps. Maybe he moved away, or she did."I hate you!" she hissed. "I fucking hate you.""Tina—""No! You don't get to be the nice guy anymore. Not after the way you've treated me.""How have I—?""I'm going to open everyone's eyes and show them that you're a heartless asshole." It didn't sound like Tina anymore, but like she'd been possessed. Her voice was a primal growl that came from the depths of her. "Not even your precious fucking college will touch you after I tell everyone you raped me.""Jesus, Tina!"I gasped. I covered my mouth, but it was too late. They both came round the corner. Tina's face was priceless. Even in the poor light I could see the color drain from it."Jane!" Ryder blew out a long breath and closed his eyes. His relief was palpable. He knew Tina could cause him a ton of trouble if she made an accusation of rape against him. She might not be able to prove it and it probably wouldn't stand up under investigation, but there would be lingering doubts in people's minds. Some would even keep the rumors alive because they'd want to see Winter's good guy fall. That's just the way some are. If those rumors reached the college scholarship board, Ryder's career would be over before it even began.I wasn't going to let her do that to him. "I heard you," I told her, moving closer. My fists opened and closed at my sides. I was furious that someone would want to ruin another's life with such a vicious, sick lie. "I heard everything you said and you are not going to accuse him of anything. If you do, I'll repeat what I just heard and you will only come off looking like a desperate piece of trash."Some of the color returned to her face. Her nostrils flared. She looked like a bull preparing to charge. "You fat, ugly bitch. You think—""Enough, Tina!" Ryder snapped."Oh, please," I sneered, ignoring him and stepping close to her so that we were toe to toe. She was several inches taller, but my anger lifted me up. "You've got to do better than that."I didn't see her hand coming. The sound her palm made as it connected with my cheek was like a whip cracking. I stood there, my face stinging, staring after her as she spun on her heel and stalked off. I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't believe it. I'd never been hit in my life, never got involved in confrontations of any sort. I was the nice girl, the boring one, the one whose feathers were always smooth. Yet I'd just been bitch-slapped by the biggest bitch of them all.In a weird way, it felt kind of good. Tina had been backed into a corner by me and her only means of escape was to hit out. It meant I'd out-smarted her, that I'd won. Now I knew how it felt for Ryder and his team when they scored a touchdown.Ryder.I must have been in some kind of shock because it took a moment to register that he was talking and had his arm around me. It wasn't until he gently cupped my face that my head cleared. I focused on his worried eyes and smiled. "Don't worry about her," I said. "She won't say anything.""I'm not worried about her, I'm worried about you." His thumb rubbed gently along my sore cheek. "Jesus, Jane, are you all right?"I nodded."I can't believe she did that." He shook his head and glanced over his shoulder. "I can't believe I went out with her for as long as I did." "She's very pretty." It was a pathetic thing to say. I guess my brain wasn't working properly yet.He shook his head. "No, she's not. Not when you scratch the surface." He leaned forward and brought his lips to mine, not quite touching. My breasts pillowed against the hard barrier of his chest. His breath warmed me. He smelled of cologne and something baser that filled me to the brim. "Not like you," he murmured. Then he kissed me. It was soft and light and just like it had been in my dreams. It stole my breath then gave it back to me. It was like he held my heart in the palm of his hand and cradled it like a baby bird. Perfect. My first ever kiss, and it was with Ryder.Life couldn't get any better.He pulled away. "Fuck." He dragged his hand through his hair. "I…I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from."You don't have to apologize. That's what I meant to say, but my voice wouldn't work and my tongue had gone thick in my mouth. My heart slammed into my chest. God, it hurt. I blinked back tears and stared at him. He turned away, lowered his head, and sucked in deep breaths that made his entire body rise and fall with the effort.I watched his broad, strong back, and wished I had the courage to put my arms around his waist and press my cheek to it. I wanted to tell him it was all right, that there was nothing wrong with us kissing, that it was what I wanted, and if that's all he was prepared to give me now then it was okay because I would wait.But I didn't. I was a coward. I didn't want to hear him say to me what he'd just said to Tina: 'I'm not interested.' I didn't want to hear him tell me that kiss was a mistake.Tears pricked the backs of my eyes, but I held them in check. I composed myself just in time for him to turn around again. His face was screwed up in a wince, like he was in physical pain. "I'm sorry, Jane. I…wasn't thinking. We're good, right? We're still friends? Still the same?"I nodded. What else could I do? Throw myself at him like all the other girls did? "Just the same." My voice sounded hollow and I don't know how he was convinced by it.He blew out a slow breath. "Do you want to go back inside?""No. You go. I'm going to sit out here for a bit." And wallow in my self-pity."Mind if I stay? I don't want to see Tina again just yet.""Do you think she'll make good on her threat and tell everyone you…?"He shook his head. "She's hot and cold. She would have calmed down by now and realized it was a mistake." He offered me a small smile. "Thanks for standing up for me.""It's what friends do." God, I sounded like a Hallmark card."Come and sit on the bench over there. Here, take my jacket." He removed his jacket and handed it to me. I hesitated then put it on. It was warm and smelled of Ryder, precisely the reason I didn't want to put it on in the first place, but ultimately the reason why I did.We walked side-by-side to the bench overlooking the community park that backed onto the river. Just like that, the kiss was brushed aside like a piece of lint. He'd forgotten it. I never would."What are you going to do next year when everyone's gone?" he asked. It was an innocuous question, one that he probably asked to stave off the awkwardness that had settled over us than any real interest in my answer."I don't know. Take care of Gran. Fix up the house.""That's it?"I looked at him. His hair gleamed in the moonlight, making it appear blonder. "What else is there to do around here? I'll probably try to get a part-time job in Riverside since there's nothing in Winter."He shrugged one shoulder. "But don't you want to do something else? Have a career? See the world?""No. I want to stay in Winter.""But what about after your Gran dies? Sorry," he added quickly. "I don't mean to imply that she's going to. I think Mrs. M will live forever."I laughed, not at all offended. Gran had a lot of life in her yet. "I guess I'm just not that ambitious.""That's okay," he said, as if I needed his permission. "Not everyone has to have an ambition.""I hear a 'but' in there."He tilted his head and gave me his crooked smile. "But everyone should have a purpose.""Aren't they the same thing?""No. Ambition is about what you want, purpose is about what you do. If you have no purpose then you're just living half a life, waiting for things to happen to you instead of making them happen.""You sound like a bad meme."He laughed. "Sorry. I think I'm turning into my coach.""I'm glad you have ambition, Ryder, and purpose too. You'll just have to accept that you have enough for both of us."He sighed. "You know, I envy that in you sometimes.""My apathy, you mean?""No," he said on a laugh. "You're one of the most contented people I know and it's probably because you don't have any ambition."If only he knew how wrong he was. That kiss had shaken me to the core. My bones were still rattling around in my body. I wasn't content, I was a bundle of barely contained hormones and dangerously close to making a fool of myself. I kept talking to keep the hormones at bay. "You're not content? But you have everything to look forward to. College, a new team, and maybe you'll get picked up by one of the national teams in a few years."He snorted softly.I looked hard at him. He stared straight ahead, unmoving except for his throat as he swallowed heavily. "You're good enough, Ryder. You know you are.""Do I?"Didn't he? How could he not know that after being awarded MVP three years running? He turned to me and rubbed his hand over his mouth and chin. "What if I fail? I've been a star player at Riverside, but now I'm going somewhere where everyone's been a star player in their home town. I'll just be average, or worse. What if they're all better than me? What if I can't cut it?" He spoke fast, as if the words were tumbling out of him without him putting any thought into them. This was not the Ryder Cavanagh I was used to."You're right," I said.He blinked at me. "What?" "Maybe you won't be able to cut it. Maybe you'll just be average." Like the rest of us, I could have added but didn't. "Maybe you'll fail."He slumped forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "Gee, thanks. You're a real help.""Hear me out. You might fail, but you might not. In fact, you might be a star. Thing is, you won't know until you go there and start playing."He looked at me sideways, his hair over his eyes. "That's quite a pep talk. Coach should get some tips off you."I nudged his shoulder. Friendly. I didn't put my arm around him like I wanted to and kiss away his worries. "Just go to college," I said. "Have fun. Play football the way you always have, with your heart and soul. If it doesn't work out, come back here to Winter. This place isn't going anywhere." I'm not going anywhere. Maybe he heard my unspoken words anyway, or guessed at them, because he straightened and took my hand. But there was no desire in his eyes, not like when he'd kissed me. Only sadness. "Thanks. I needed to hear that. Jane?""Hmmm?""The reason I stopped kissing you back there—""Don't, Ryder." I pulled my hand free. "It's done. Finished. I don't want to dissect it.""I do and I'm going to. I liked it. I liked kissing you a hell of a lot."My heart cracked. I was surprised he didn't hear it. I didn't move in case it shattered completely. Nor did I look at him. I couldn't, not if I wanted to keep breathing."But I can't have a relationship with you now. Not when I'm leaving. My life is going to get hectic and it wouldn't be fair on either of us to try and make this work."It sounded horribly familiar. It was the same reason he'd given for breaking up with Tina only a week ago. Nice to know where I stood in the pecking order. Right alongside the bitch from hell. Maybe I was warped in the head, but that made me laugh. Tina would hate to be alongside me in anything."Jane, it gets worse.""Oh, goody.""Don't," he said, his voice strangled. "Please, don't make a joke out of this." He blew out a breath. "Dad's coming with me. There's nothing for him here now, he said, and there'll be more work for him in the city. I probably won't be coming back to Winter for…for awhile."Forever. That's what he'd been going to say. I didn't need to hear it to know it in my soul. He wasn't going to make the effort to come back for a vacation. Not even to see me. Why would he? I was just a school friend, a neighbor. Someone you remember fondly when you look at old photos, then forget about when you put them away."I will come back though," he said. "I just can't give you firm dates."I forced a smile, but my face felt numb and the smile probably looked strange. "I wouldn't expect you to come back. We'll just see you when we see you."He kissed my forehead. "I'm going to miss you.""I'll miss you too.""I'll call you and email you.""Sure. You can tell me all about college life and I'll keep you up to date on what's happening in Winter."***Ryder left in July to help his dad settle into a new house before school started. Our goodbye was awkward and short. I was acutely aware that my declaration to lose my virginity to him remained a false hope. He kept his promise and called me every week for about a year. After that, the emails got less, the phone calls stopped altogether, and my only contact with him was through Facebook and Instagram. Then his career took off spectacularly and he stopped doing those things too. If I didn't keep up with his career through Twitter and sports blogs, I would have thought he'd fallen off the face of the earth.Until he came back to Winter, three years later.