"Perhaps this is the punishment for those who have been heartless; to understand only when nothing can be undone."- Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns
***
"He is getting into a v-tach," said the panicking voice of one of the nurses piercing with its sharpness my very existence. My body is shaking uncontrollably, and the drums of war inside my chest and their echoes throughout my ears are not giving me too much room to think. I try to stop the shaking but in vain. It seems that I have lost the ability to control my own body. Another shout pierces through the clouds and buzzing sound of getting closer to the eternal end of all things. "CRASH CART!", he said, and of course 'HE' must be the ER doctor. I wonder how old he is. It won't do me any good of course, not while I am taking my last precious breaths in the dwelling of the living, but I guess my defense mechanisms are making me get lost into different trailing thoughts to make the end come more peacefully. Why can't my hideous brain produce enough morphine to knock out the remainder of sanity I have and get it over with?! I try to open my eyes, but my eye-lids refrain from doing my command. A hopeless cause and a battle that has been lost long ago.The ER doctor must have gotten the crash cart he requested for he ordered them to clear off the bed on which my plump body lies awaiting to be vacant of the ghost so that it can find its last resort inside mother Earth, and turn finally into nutritious nitrogen and carbon doing one final, and maybe the only good, thing before I am undone. I hear the voice of the charge just before my whole body jolts from its effect with a power of a thousand bullets piercing through the thick clouds of haziness and bringing with it surrounding and overwhelming whiteness of utter nothingness in which I seamlessly seep.
***
"Keep walking!", said the stocky male-nurse as he pushed me forward. My legs and hands are heavily chained, but my forgotten guilt overheads these chains.I almost stumble and fall, but I straighten myself just before the mess happens. I can't see his face, but judging from his breath-rate and tone, he prefers to strangle me and get it over with. One less pile of trash in the world.Inmates are giving me a welcome party, or so they call it. They are shouting and hitting their cells' doors with their hands and fingernails. "I am in for the lot!", I consider to say, but refrain. I really don't know anything about what lies ahead.I reach my new cell. I look at the nurse beside me, Tucker, and we share a look of someone who knows. Tucker. Tucker the fucker is what the inmates call him. Tucker gives me another push to enter my cell. I go inside, turn my back to him. The door-lock clicks with a low metal click and he unchains me. Finally, I am free. I am free to enjoy the 3 square meters cell. I can't see the lads, but they will appear sooner or later. It is our first solitary after all, and they wouldn't miss such a thing.
***
"Eyes. Eyes everywhere. Blind self.", said Layla in a rough voice. "Eyes. Eyes everywhere. Blind self," she repeated hysterically while she kept shuffling around for something she couldn't find. She kept desperately searching as if her very existence depended upon it. Her feverish searching was heart-breaking while she kept swinging her arms desperately, but nothing was in her reach. Her eyes streamed as her arms dropped beside her. It was all in vain. Her head became heavier and heavier as her face became soaked in a crimson mixture."Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream." She kept on singing with her faint voice as the blue fog drowned her into oblivion. From afar, as if from the other end of a tunnel, she heard a faint voice. "Look at me. Nothing will harm you. Listen to m..."
***
"You keep on remembering what happened as if you have been there." said the man in the white suit sarcastically. "Do you think these visualizations of yours can even begin on making you atone?""Why do you always try to stop me from remembering her? Remembering what happened?" I replied disapprovingly.There was a grunt of disgust and a huge man came into focus out of nowhere. "Dead is dead," he said. "We have no business with the dead!""What business do you speak of? And where does this "we" fall in place?" I replied."Please lower your voices," said Mary. "Little Angie is asleep."The huge man made another grunting noise as he shifted his feet. "Have you forgotten who we are little cub? Your business is ours, and ours is yours.""As far as I hate to agree with the uncivilized, but the huge man said the truth!" said the man in the white suit. "Little cub." he added with a faint smile."No." I said firmly. "It is all mine, and mine alone. I will bear this guilt for the rest of my dwelling.""Oh charming little one." said the man in the white suit. "Always the forgetful! Have you forgotten who we are?""I can never forget!" I said mechanically."Sweet!" he said. "So don't gamble with your luck again. Last time we all had to bear the chilling sensation. Even little Angie had to bear the jolts.""God is nigh." said a mousy man who sat in the corner. "He told me to kill him! You can't simply ignore the calling of the Devine!" he said while playing with his untidy hair. "But I did." he added playfully."You and your Devine!" said the huge man menacingly. "That is why we ended up here in the first place.""Remember your manners, lads." said Mary. "Angie is asleep.""Bogger off, Mary." said the huge man. "Let her wake and I will bash her head for good."The man in the white suit moved forward and held the huge man's shoulder firmly. "Now, now. We don't have to make a fuss down here, old lad. She is just a little "cub" of yours.""And these aren't the orders of the Devine." said the mousy man."Yes, as he said. Whatever he said." said the man in the suit."Silence!" I yelled. "I know none of this is real anyway! You are all figments of my imagination! So shut the hell up and let me be."Little Angie woke up crying and drowning with her screams all the surrounding debate, but no one seemed to mind her anymore as they stood solemnly looking at me."How can that be?" said the man in the white suit. "Have you forgotten so easily? We are you! We are the madness the lurks within your walls bidding its time to be free at last at every moment in your deepest thoughts and fears. We are what you sedate into silence and paralysis when you go to the nocturnal haven where we cannot tread. We are the ones who dwell within.""Lies!" I said while shaking my head. "All of these are utter lies.""I cannot lie to you, old pal." said the man in the white suit. "For in the end, I am you. We all are. We are when you smile, when you cry, grunt, lust or weep. We are what makes you.""Lies!" I repeated. "They told me you are not real! They told me it is all within the borders of my mind!"Silence held on for a long while as all of them looked at me in a mixture of pity, confusion, agony and disgust."Again, what makes you so sure that they even exist? That you even exist?" said the man in the white suit calmly. "Why can't it be that I am the real deal and you are all figments of my imagination, even this place, the doctors, the nurses and inmates? I am not saying that this is the case, but think about it.""It can't be." I said in a grave tone. "Because the pain within me can't be imagined. What am I doing here? I am dying in here."Out of nowhere a slap came and hit me with full force on the cheek. I staggered back and fell. The huge man did it. "You felt that, laddie, didn't you? Life is pain. It is as simple as that. We all lost Layla that day. And we all will live and bear the pain and guilt of standing there helplessly while the spark of life faded from her eyes."I couldn't move. I was petrified. Angie came and offered me her sleeve. "Here there uncle. Wipe your face. I miss aunt Layla too. But we have to get you out soon. I miss my old room." She moaned. "And I really want a banana." she added sheepishly."Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?! My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?!" cried the mousy man. "I can't bear that stupid host. Command me to end it, and I will end it in fire and dust.""My mind is too weak to forget, Angie." I muttered to her ignoring the mousy man's cries. "It is never easy to pray the devil back to hell when the devil is within you.""Do not fade into this life, pal!" said the man in the white suit while straightening me up."How did I ever fade into this life?" I replied."You simply let your grief drown your senses. You simply let us be." he replied quietly. "You donned the black, a sightless specter of the macabre, and it is darkness where we came to be. You fed us with your fears and sins, and fattened us on the burning winds of your grief and we took form beyond the wall we were supposed to exist.""It is done." I said quietly. "The hour came and went. Layla died, and I tried in vain to follow her where none can harm us anymore. I lost her once, then lost her again. I disappointed her once, and by living, I am betraying her again. We were supposed to share one life and one destiny. We were supposed to regain our lives back and brace each other. Every breath I took since she cut her own mortal tether is me betraying her. But it won't be for long. I promise it won't be for long."
The man in the white suit went back, sat down by the wall and lit a cigarette. "Then it done, old laddie. Let's just enjoy the show henceforth. The sun is up, as it always did and always will do."