Me: I keep on listening to this song. On repeat for a few days. It makes me emotional.

Him: Why?
Me: I checked on the lyrics. It is a sad song. People don't care about his (singer) feeling. People don't care about his problem. People don't bother, but yet he needs to pretend to be like what people expect him to be. 
Him: Yeah, poor clown. 
I was frowning. Unsettled. 
Me: No, not just the clown honey. The entertainers. They entertain others. People expect them to be like what they wanted them to be. They like them for an image they have in mind, not for the real individual. A real individual is not perfect. A real person is not always happy. A real person has mistakes. A real person has their own ups and down.  I feel like that too. 
Him: how? (he was serious now)
Me: I'm a novelist. I write about love stories. I always talk about life and God in my books. People think I'm ideal, but I don't. What I wrote might be ideal (even my books weren't ideal, tho), but I am not my books (those books are stories I saw in my mind in written forms). I am me. I have a life, and I grows. I'm still exploring my life. What I believe was true yesterday may have changed now but nonetheless I am always a believer of God who loves God. 
He looked at me. Frowning. 
Him: You can't please everyone. One person might like this version of you, but then another might not like it. Then even if you changed to please another person, you still wouldn't be able to make everyone like you nonetheless. 
I bit my lip. That's true. He was still staring into my eyes. His deep grayish blue eyes. 
Him: How do you know your readers' expectation of you? 
I raised my shoulders, a symbol of not knowing. 
Him: You might be wrong about them and their expectation on you. They might not even bother, Iman. They just want to read your books. And maybe, they like you for however you are. 
At that moment, I feel like I have wronged all my readers for the expectation I have on them while I do not even know them personally or do not even heard it from their mouths. Maafkan saya, kalian.
Him: You are torturing yourself to be an image you think they want you to be. .......
That hits me hard. A moment of truth. It's all in my mind. I knew it. I have a complicated thoughts in my mind. Or maybe I just don't want to be associated with the books' characters or storylines. I want to tell the stories I painted in my mind and with the values I tried to deliver to the readers, I did not intend to portray myself through my novels. The only writing that exposes my true skin is my daily-life blog posts. 
Me: You should look after me, honey. In case. I'm becoming a psychologically disturbed person. A sociopath. (I laughed. Loud. I know I have always thought too much). 
Dia buat muka annoyed. 
I feel like I'm still immature for being like this. Why do I crave acceptance that much? Psychologically, I remembered how I was raised with many siblings (6 of us with a little age gap). My family was poor. Sometimes I lived with my parent, sometimes with my aunt and sometimes with my grandmother. I learned to enjoy being a loner and I learned how to earn love in that highly competitive atmosphere - that is to meet their (my carers) expectations. I realized that had shaped my personality. I have been so stressed off late with things I just learned about life and changes that I'm deciding to make to my life. It is interesting honestly when you realized age is just a number. We do not stop learning at a certain age. We do not stop changing at a certain age. Life is a process. It is not a stage. It is a continuous process. Even once you has become a mom, even we say a mother is always right, the thing is that is not true ( I mean, at this age I thought about children and I realized if I'm about to be a mom I'm exposed to mistake too). Every human being is capable of doing a mistake but what differentiate us is, what do we learn from it and what is our reaction to it? 
Regarding Dia Si Gadis Unicorn, I am going to make it my 3rd novel (by God's will/Inshaa Allah). I have written lots of chapters, re-assembled the story, etc. So sekarang saya confuse nak update macam mana? Just continue or start it all over ikut what I have editted to the soon to be novel? What do you suggest? 
#feelsbetterafterwriting #mytheraphy 
The meaning of the song by Soprano: Clownhttp://lyricstranslate.com/en/clown-clown.html-3#ixzz41D00qMOd
I'm sorry that tonight I don't have a smile
I'm playing mime to stay on track, despite the routine
My makeup is running, my tears wash it away
On my face of a clown (my face of a clown)
I know well that you want nothing to do
With my daily problems, my trash, and my fits
I am here to make you forget, you want it to fade away
Tonight you're paying me, I put on my red noseLalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lalaI'm sorry children if tonight I'm not funny
But this colored costume makes me ridiculous and I'm stuck with it
I hide behind this angelic smile for a while
I don't know how to get rid of it, but who am I really?
I've lost my way, have you seen my distress?
I'm like a dog who tries to bite at his leash
But tonight the room is full, you want it all to fade away
So I wash away my pains, and put on my red noseLalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lalaAm I alone in wearing this mask?
Am I the only one pretending?
This disguise that we put on every day
Tell me is it for the best?
Or has it been to much for us?I'm sorry that tonight I don't have a smile
My makeup is running, my tears wash it away
On my face of a clown (my face of a clown)