“I’m sick of you.  We need to break up.”

“?”

“Yes.  Sick.  You annoy the shit out of me.  I’ve felt this way for the past three months.  I only stayed with you because you’re pathetic.  I felt sorry for you.  Really.  If you don’t have me, you have nothing.  I’m your whole life.”

“….”

“There’s no sense in crying.  You’re an ugly crier.  If anything, it makes me less inclined to want to be with you.  Actually, I take that back.  Seeing you crying right now sort of pleases me.  I mean, I still don’t want to be with you, but thank you for sobbing like this.  It makes me realize how amazing I’ve been.”

“….?”

“Oh my God.  You’re really embarrassing yourself.  Gross.  There’s snot.  I think you need to reevaluate yourself.  You really don’t have much to offer anyone.  You should learn a trade.  You should try to look nicer.  Shit.  I don’t know, but you’ve got to do something.  Remember that time you wanted to go parachuting?  Yeah, that.  You should do stuff like that.  But without the parachute.”

“???”

“Don’t act surprised.  I’ve been hoping you would just end it for a while now.  It’s a good story.  I could get massive amounts of sympathy ass with a story like that.  I could act damaged and these ladies would want to try to fix me, to ‘help’ me understand that it wasn’t my fault that you were a head case.  At any rate, you’re too selfish to do that so that’s why we need to break up.  Frankly I’m tired of waiting you out.  There you go.  Hang your hat on that.  It’s a positive.  At least you have that…fatty.”

“$&@?!”

“Oh!  Now you come to life?  It’s the eleventh hour and now you have conviction about something?  Too little too late, though.  I can’t even understand you through your disgusting fat face.  It’s like you’re talking into a tub of lard and it obscures any semblance of human language.  I can’t understand you at all.  We can’t communicate.  You’re like the adults in Peanuts.  Talking to you is like communicating with an above average great ape.  Minus the above average part, and heavier on the characteristic features.”

“….”

“Okay, yes, sorry, that was out of bounds.  All I’m trying to say is that I love you.  And also, that’s not true at all.  The opposite of that, really.  I would say ‘hate’ but the word lacks the amplitude of my actual feelings.  It’s not a strong enough word.  I’m not sure there is a word that could illustrate the strength of my negative feelings for you.  Maybe it’s your name.  I Stephanie you.  Nope.  I still feel the need to amplify it.  I Stephanie the shit out of you.  It’s closer…”

“!”

The mirror quietly reflected, unmoved.  Practice makes perfect, he thought.  “I’m sick of you.  We need to break up,” he began again.