This is another one of the awakenings I had during the unbelievable afternoon I recently spent with a fellow therapist.

How often have you heard people encouraging someone to be vulnerable, meaning to put down your guard and be open? Although it made sense to me, I felt uneasy about it, as though there was some inherent contradiction. I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

Clarity came during this unique sharing with the therapist. I realized that it is only from ego (i.e. self-protective) perspective that being open equates with vulnerability. From a fully functional perspective, to be open is to be aware and perceptive, which helps us be strong, centered, and open to support. Does this sound like being vulnerable? To me, it is quite the opposite.

The person who is guarded and shut down is actually the vulnerable one. She often ends up being overlooked, unfulfilled, and frustrated- i.e., victimized. Opening up is being engaged and in your power, which can greatly reduce vulnerability. The next time someone asks me to be vulnerable, I’ll tell him, “Thanks for the suggestion, but I’d rather leave my vulnerability behind and instead be strong and fully engaged.”