THE KIDS WERE NOT really listening to me so I told them that Justin Bieber had just been outed as an alien from the Helix Nebula here to kidnap Taylor Swift.

Instant full attention.

***

Some folks disapprove of my methods, but the fact is, there���s no proof he isn���t.

And no one thinks that guy���s normal, right?

***

The extreme weirdness of life these days was brought home to me by a news report I just read that a woman named Tina Gorjanc is using DNA from her hero, late fashion designer Alexander McQueen, to grow his skin which she plans to turn into a jacket.

Imagine her wearing it to a posh restaurant.

Maitre��� d: ���May I hang up your jacket, madam?���

Gorjanc: ���Yes, but leave the cloakroom door open. Alex doesn���t like the dark.���

***

I wondered why she would make a McQueen-skin garment instead of growing a whole new McQueen?

I also wondered whether I could get some Taylor Swift to send me her DNA?

���Hi, Taylz, instead of a signed photo, could you scrape the inside of your cheek onto this medical spatula and return it to me? Thanks!���

***

I posted that first question onto one of those websites that provide answers, and some guy eventually wrote that scientists were not actively working on cloning human beings ���except in China���.

This makes no sense.

Do they not have enough people in China?

***

The high level of weirdness in modern life was reinforced by a reader who sent a recent news report about a UK man who ���identifies as a vampire���.

The 25-year-old has legally changed his name to Darkness and sleeps in a coffin every night.

���Everyone has their beliefs and I don���t believe I should be persecuted for following mine,��� Darkness told the Lancashire Telegraph newspaper.

Being British, Darkness is a bit too well-bred to bite his neighbours, so he orders packs of human blood substitute from medical suppliers.

***

Forgive my cynicism, but that���s not really the same, is it?

If the Dracula legend had been about a guy sitting waiting for an Amazon delivery, the whole vampire scene would never have taken off.

***

One of my colleagues has just told me that she once interviewed a self-proclaimed vampire who said that blood tastes metallic.

���When vampires need a snack, they suck coins,��� she said.

***

The reporter also said the vampire ���was a pain in the neck, and interviewing her really sucked���.

And now you know why journalists have bruises on they shins. Their addiction to corny puns makes them eminently kickable.

***

The really weird thing is that a financial reporter friend told me that science may support the vampire theory.

A US company named Ambrosia (which means ���food of the gods���) wants to inject young people���s blood into older folk.

They were inspired by a group of scientists who injected young mouse blood into older mice and got ���signs of a return to youthfulness���.

I assume this means the older mice instantly became addicted to sending impenetrable emoji-laden messages to each other on smartphones.

***          

Whatever. Anyway, if Taylor sends me a bit of her DNA, I���ll try to grow my own and report back on the results.

My office door may be locked for some time.

 

****

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