I’m Fine.Those words are like poisonVitriol to me. A lie told to hide the shameThe shame of vulnerability.My life is perfectEnvious to many.
To be depressed                                Or stressed                                                                Or angryWould be spitting in the face of my blessings.
So I hold them in.
These worries                                These fears                                                                This anger.And I hold on to my life                                           My loves                                                                My dreams
With fingers so tightly That I’m afraid it will all shatterInto tiny pieces To the floor around meRevealing my biggest fearThat it was all an illusion
And I
I was undeserving
Undeserving of the loveOf a good man.Undeserving of my childSo beautiful and full of lifeThat it makes my heart ache From the love that I have for her.
Undeserving of anything.                                        Other than loss                                                                Than fear                                                                                Than worry
But that worry,No matter how bright my days Or how full my heart isThat worry sits thereNibbling away at my happinessFeeding my fearsAnd my anger grows.
Anger at myselfFor not enjoying each momentFor not reveling in the happiness that is my reality
Anger at not being good enough to deserve these blessings
Tears burn at the backs of my eyes
A friend stops me to say                                                “Hello”To ask                “How are you?”
“I’m fine.” My reply

“I’m fine.”