Lily Liver
Because I have to...not that I want to...yes, this is about the many "like it or not's" that we often face.
Like it or not seems to be a common theme for me this week. First I had to surrender to a CT scan. Okay, it was my first test like that ever...and as I marched forward, I imagined a dirge in unison to what I was feeling within. I told my daughter that in the same spirit of exploring outer space, we were setting out on a mission to discover the many secrets of my liver.
It was the unknown of what we were about to learn that had me biting my nails. To be or not to be, malignant or benign, life altering or life ending? Those were the questions.
As I laid there feeling a lot like Frankenstein, clothes on, arranged flat along an oversized table, I became 4 years old once again. A neighbor kid had tossed a rusted can and sliced off my eyebrow. I peered up at my sister M and asked, "am I bleeding?" Her face, ten shades of pale stirred in with fear was all telling. Fast forward as she buried my face into her sweatshirt and escorted me across the yard...fast forward to my dad driving mom and I to the nearest emergency room. Mom held a washcloth over my eyebrow...from her blue set that was sure to become one short. It was my birthday, my 4th birthday, something I would never forget.
Doctors, nurses, stitches...a protective cloth over my eye leaving enough of a gap enabling me to observe the sutures as they were stitched. I couldn't exactly comprehend was happening to me, what I did know right off is that I'd rather have been anywhere but in that moment. The same held true present day.
The CT scan, not because I wanted to, yes, because I had to....
The technician started an IV and pushed a saline through the line to make sure she had a direct connection. I could taste chemicals and feel the vapors in my nostrils. I felt an immediate panic. "I'm not liking this, no, not one bit," I admitted to her.
I was given ample warning about the dye, about how I might feel a hot flash and the possibility that it may seem as if I were peeing myself. That was the thing, lying there on the oversized table like that...I had no power or control. I was vulnerable and helpless just the same as the little me years ago.
"Something feels off," I admitted. I said a lot of things and after, I apologized for being so childish about the test. What else could I say?
I had fasted, no food and no water. If you want to keep me off balance, take away my water supply. Toddlers carry their favorite blanket, I have my lavender water bottle. It's thermal lined, the best of all water bottles and with ice, the fluid remains cold all day. When I'm nervous, I'll take a gulp. It helps, honest it does.
"Would you care for a few sips of water?" The technician offered. "Oh, please..."
After, I was able to calm myself enough to seem more agreeable. The tech was kind to explain that ultimately we all have the final say on what happens to us and our bodies. If the CT was too much for me, I could have refused. I would have loved to have said, "let's not and say we did" but, but, I was there not because I wanted to but because I had to be.
The dye injection wasn't as horrible as I imagined. My biggest concern was that I would learn the hard way that I was allergic. Fortunately, that was not the case.
After, I thanked the technician for her patience and as my skip transformed into a walk from the door to my daughter in the waiting room, I transformed from 4 years old to 50 once again. I have no doubt that the technician poured a stiff shot of something strong after her shift just from having to deal with me. She probably toasted the frightened middle aged child that needed a CT of her liver.
The second thing I needed to face this week not because I wanted to but because I had to...was a summons for jury duty. With the CT being the most stressful thing in the immediate, I removed the dread of surrendering my time from my list of worries.
The idea of trudging to the courthouse next week and focusing on strike that, overruled, and I'll allow that...was not on my list of top priorities. Call me selfish but after what happened to my brother Mike at the beginning of the year, the trial, the drunk driver being sentenced, stepping foot into a courtroom would have been triggering. I could only imagine...maybe that has always been my curse...only imagining.
Fortunately, I was notified through email that I would not be needed next week...it mentioned how the case was settled outside of court. A great sigh of relief...
So here I sit, awaiting the next round of "not because I want to, but because I have to."
I think of that 4 year old self who only had to worry about carrying enough sand for a pebble topped batch of mud pies. No worries, really. I suppose even then my mom would disrupt my world as she hollered that lunch was ready. With deep regret I'd stomp across the yard...not because I wanted to, but because I had to...and so life goes.
~Trixie Archer
Like it or not seems to be a common theme for me this week. First I had to surrender to a CT scan. Okay, it was my first test like that ever...and as I marched forward, I imagined a dirge in unison to what I was feeling within. I told my daughter that in the same spirit of exploring outer space, we were setting out on a mission to discover the many secrets of my liver.
It was the unknown of what we were about to learn that had me biting my nails. To be or not to be, malignant or benign, life altering or life ending? Those were the questions.
As I laid there feeling a lot like Frankenstein, clothes on, arranged flat along an oversized table, I became 4 years old once again. A neighbor kid had tossed a rusted can and sliced off my eyebrow. I peered up at my sister M and asked, "am I bleeding?" Her face, ten shades of pale stirred in with fear was all telling. Fast forward as she buried my face into her sweatshirt and escorted me across the yard...fast forward to my dad driving mom and I to the nearest emergency room. Mom held a washcloth over my eyebrow...from her blue set that was sure to become one short. It was my birthday, my 4th birthday, something I would never forget.
Doctors, nurses, stitches...a protective cloth over my eye leaving enough of a gap enabling me to observe the sutures as they were stitched. I couldn't exactly comprehend was happening to me, what I did know right off is that I'd rather have been anywhere but in that moment. The same held true present day.
The CT scan, not because I wanted to, yes, because I had to....
The technician started an IV and pushed a saline through the line to make sure she had a direct connection. I could taste chemicals and feel the vapors in my nostrils. I felt an immediate panic. "I'm not liking this, no, not one bit," I admitted to her.
I was given ample warning about the dye, about how I might feel a hot flash and the possibility that it may seem as if I were peeing myself. That was the thing, lying there on the oversized table like that...I had no power or control. I was vulnerable and helpless just the same as the little me years ago.
"Something feels off," I admitted. I said a lot of things and after, I apologized for being so childish about the test. What else could I say?
I had fasted, no food and no water. If you want to keep me off balance, take away my water supply. Toddlers carry their favorite blanket, I have my lavender water bottle. It's thermal lined, the best of all water bottles and with ice, the fluid remains cold all day. When I'm nervous, I'll take a gulp. It helps, honest it does.
"Would you care for a few sips of water?" The technician offered. "Oh, please..."
After, I was able to calm myself enough to seem more agreeable. The tech was kind to explain that ultimately we all have the final say on what happens to us and our bodies. If the CT was too much for me, I could have refused. I would have loved to have said, "let's not and say we did" but, but, I was there not because I wanted to but because I had to be.
The dye injection wasn't as horrible as I imagined. My biggest concern was that I would learn the hard way that I was allergic. Fortunately, that was not the case.
After, I thanked the technician for her patience and as my skip transformed into a walk from the door to my daughter in the waiting room, I transformed from 4 years old to 50 once again. I have no doubt that the technician poured a stiff shot of something strong after her shift just from having to deal with me. She probably toasted the frightened middle aged child that needed a CT of her liver.
The second thing I needed to face this week not because I wanted to but because I had to...was a summons for jury duty. With the CT being the most stressful thing in the immediate, I removed the dread of surrendering my time from my list of worries.
The idea of trudging to the courthouse next week and focusing on strike that, overruled, and I'll allow that...was not on my list of top priorities. Call me selfish but after what happened to my brother Mike at the beginning of the year, the trial, the drunk driver being sentenced, stepping foot into a courtroom would have been triggering. I could only imagine...maybe that has always been my curse...only imagining.
Fortunately, I was notified through email that I would not be needed next week...it mentioned how the case was settled outside of court. A great sigh of relief...
So here I sit, awaiting the next round of "not because I want to, but because I have to."
I think of that 4 year old self who only had to worry about carrying enough sand for a pebble topped batch of mud pies. No worries, really. I suppose even then my mom would disrupt my world as she hollered that lunch was ready. With deep regret I'd stomp across the yard...not because I wanted to, but because I had to...and so life goes.
~Trixie Archer
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