Traftology
Chapter 1
Goblin badger Kilgor Traft steered the wheel of his bouncer past Ozarium’s welcoming sign, once an illumination, now as dead as the pale faces floating in the river below. He wiped a clawed hand over his face and mumbled displeasure in his non-caffeinated state and yawned. And scratched his head and chin. Then mumbled: “Is the Jolt maker working yet, Nimbus?” The onboard computer Nimbus beeped and answered by a digital scroll across the windshield: Not yet, sir. I am still working on it.Traft grumbled. And yawned again. Not only did his home brewing Jolt machine not work this morning back at the vault—because of some hideous Tourette Syndrome virus going around no less—his brand new just installed Jolt Maker for the bouncer was on the frizz. Freakin’ unbelievable. He just ordered the damn thing off the Gridd and had the techs had installed it yesterday. Had they forgot to connect a wire or two? All he knew was all work and no Jolt makes Kilgor Traft a dull goblin badger. And that was a recipe for disaster in this job of his.Sort of.Traft clucked his purple tongue. “There isn’t a chance the maker got a virus, is there?”I wouldn’t rule out the possibility, sir.Lovely. The only good thing about this was that the maker wasn’t spatting obscenities at him like his home brewer did this morning. Wasn’t that a mind riot, waking up, strolling into the kitchen, hitting the fat red button only to receive obscenities instead of “Good morning! How about a cup ah Jolt?” He kinda liked to hear it every morning. It was kinda nice and an uplift to the start of the morning. But being called a pointy eared dweeb with bad breath was far from a good start to the morning. And an additional “You suck beef liver and onion-flavored Gobstoppers” or “Go to hells and stuff sea weed flavored Pop Rock candies in your mouth” or “Your mama has a wooden leg with a kickstand and sticks the ends of red licorice up her nose” set the wrong mood for the day.Sir, your maker does have a virus and its choice of words are quite …disturbing.“Can you use your anti-virus?”Yes. the anti-virus’ algorithm will take longer than expected I’m afraid, sir. “Fine,” he grumbled. “Just…fix the damn thing, please.”Yes, sir. While you wait, may I suggest a pre-Shift blend, such as Folgers or Maxwell house?“No, you certainly may not. I may as well as drink a cup full of river water.”How about two Sting The Beast tabs? They are manufactured by Jolt.“Negative, Nimbus. Damn things give me the kraken vibes and the last time I consumed them I had a rash from hells. I can only take so much caffeine in the morning and those tabs are five times the size of a regular cup of Jolt. They don’t call them Sting The Beast for nothing.” I have forgotten that, sir. My apologies.“No worries.” He yawned for a third time and looked out the window. Good old Ozarium. The place needs a serious facelift. Why Mr. Gorph doesn’t just clean this place up and make it their own is a mystery. However, there is that more serious problem at hand, the reason why they can’t do that. The reason why I’m here. Clawdious sent me here to locate another unwilling soul to work in Troughs. How many more bodies did the guy really need to work the lines? I’ve had already lost count of the bodies he had already acquired for old baldy and it always seemed like he needed more. Honestly, how many did it take to work the lines? Twenty? Thirty? A hundred? I’m betting Clawdious has revenge in his head since they hurt him pretty bad. Your Jolt coffee, sir.Ah, finally!Kilgor sipped the brew and allowed it to tease his tongue with blueberry and a mild bitterness. He swished it over his teeth before he swallowed, then smacked his lips. “Good job, Nimbus.”Thank you, sir.“Sometimes you surprise me, buddy. You always come through. My right hand man.”I complete my job as necessary, sir.“And you do it quite well,” Traft sucked in a deep breath, blew it out, and turned on the infrared option. A red blip appeared. He zoomed in and found it was inside the Slader Corp building—as usual. He shook his head. It seems they all congregate there. This venture could be a difficult one. He drained his cup and punched the accelerator toward his destination and a holomercial splashed the dashboard. “Stop by Vern’s Virtual Worlds and receive your first ten minutes free when you purchase a virtual vacation!” said the tiny dancing guy in the suit wrapped in a brightly colored jacket. A lady in a brightly colored dress popped out of the air and joined the suit. He grabbed her and spun her like a toy top. A picture burst open behind them and unfolded a collage of inviting vacations while you sit in the Cushy Chair connected to the console. It showed an example of a woman lounged in the Chair with her eyes closed and a smile carved under her nose.Before the holo ended the couple vanished, cutting off their Charleston dance from the pre-Shift days.Kilgor opened his mouth to express something but lost his train of thought when one holo replaced the last, this a face of a man promoting an anti-virus to prevent the Tourette’s Syndrome Virus effecting your home appliances. How convenient, Kilgor thought. If only I knew of it by n—.Another replaced it, this holo’s transmission quite bad as it flickered and warbled, making the speaker’s tone crawl. The background tune had caught the disease as well, but the point it wanted to promote was for the ghost catcher, the Cryptronica.“Nimbus, jam these things, would ya?”Copy, sir.And that was that. No more dancing little people or slow motion vocabulary. Traft cruised over the infamous Bork Burgers, one of the many fast-food restaurants in Westerphere with a flying saucer crash-landed in its roof.Kilgor licked his lips. I wonder if they have any burgers left tucked inside a freezer? Be nice to try one… Slader Corp grew in the windshield, the tallest building in Ozarium. Traft launched the bouncer over the rooftop, found a spot to land and disengaged the landing gear.Traft drained his cup, smacked his lips, and sat it back on the tray. It disappeared inside the dashboard. Then reappeared filled to the rim. He grinned, showing his palate of canines and drained it in one swallow. He noticed he left a drop. He drained that, too. Then he stood and stretched. Yawned for the fourth time today, too. And, stretched again. And, scratched his head again.“Okay. Let’s do this, buddy.” He sniffed.Yes, sir.Traft picked up his weapon of choice and programmed it to link a connection to his HeadKase, the microcomputer in the form of a cockroach attached to his brain. His neurotransmitters relayed the signal. the woman’s voice said. The barrel spun with a whine. Check.The levels pulsed a bright yellow ten.Check.The charge was one hundred percent, plus the external battery.Check.He stuck two fingers to his breast pocket, found it empty. He moved to the next one, found that one empty as well. Then, checked his front pants’ pocket. Only lint. He padded himself down before popping open the glove compartment. Traft frowned. “Where are they, Nimbus?” he said while looking under his seat. Where is what, sir?“My Life Savors.”I do not know, sir.“Figure you could use your infamous clairvoyance and locate those for me.”It’s not clairvoyance, sir. “What’s it called, then?”Foresight.“It’s the same thing, Nimbus. Same meaning.”Not according to my records.“Your records are wrong, buddy.”No, they are fully functional, sir. They are up to date with Gorph’s Library.His nostrils flared and drain a pocket of oxygen. “Right… Just make them find my damn Savors, please.”Can’t be used for that, sir. “Why?”my foresight option is only used for our missions. Not to locate personal items. “In this case, it is part of the mission.”No, it cannot be. “What would be the difference of you locating my Life Savors or locating a Target?”Lots, sir.“Lots?”Yes, sir. Locating a Target is our mission. Locating your Winter Green Life Savors has nothing to do with our mission.“I beg to differ. What if I didn’t have my Jolt for the day? Would you give me the same response?”Yes, sir.“Unbelievable. Let’s pray tot eh gods who ride in the spheres that does not occur. Ever. Look…I need my Wintergreen Life Savors like I need Jolt, both to consume to perform my job. Helps me get in the mood.”How would it put you in the mood to do your job, sir?“Trust me, it just does. Now, help me search for my Savors cause I ain’t goin’ anywhere until I find ‘em.” Your actions will not effect me, sir. We could sit here all day.“Oh? Being a bit sarcastic are you? Tell you what, buddy, you are in charge of logging our progress. You download the reports once we arrive back home. If it’s off by a filament, I mean a hair off, if there are any other notes other than what our work includes, Clawdious will switch you out and replace you with—”Traft moved his foot and kicked something. It rolled across the floor.“Oh. Never mind. Scratch that. Here they are.”The pneumatic door of the tug whispered open and cool air ruffled Traft’s dark hair and the white streak stretched across his cranium. A swath of grey colored the skies, casting bleach white clouds. Pockets of darkness appeared in the windows of a nearby building, except for one small orange glow.Traft frowned. Wonder what that is?Please be careful, sir.“Oh, copy on that, Nimbus.”Mutated worms scattered at his first step. “That’s something you don’t see every day.”The worms took refuge inside a decayed corpse sat upright against a defunct air conditioning unit, as if the box posed as gravestone. The worms made the dead’s lower jaw click open. “Nor that.”Traft swiped a claw across the screen on his Smart bracelet and opened an app. A tiny emoji flame appeared on a graph, idling. He also scanned for any others and found nothing. Traft stood in front of a wall and tapped on a keypad. Nothing happened.“Well, crap. Nimbus, a little help.” Nimbus’ voice was like sticking a bullhorn in his ear.“Whoa! Turn back the voice mode, man!” “Uh, yeah, much,” Traft screwed a digit in his ear and wiggled his claw.A second later the keypad glowed neon green and a spot on wall stretched open.“Thanks, buddy.” Traft sniffed, peeled open the end of the Wintergreen Life Savor's roll with the tip of his claw, and slipped one of the circular candies on his tongue. Then stepped inside.
Goblin badger Kilgor Traft steered the wheel of his bouncer past Ozarium’s welcoming sign, once an illumination, now as dead as the pale faces floating in the river below. He wiped a clawed hand over his face and mumbled displeasure in his non-caffeinated state and yawned. And scratched his head and chin. Then mumbled: “Is the Jolt maker working yet, Nimbus?” The onboard computer Nimbus beeped and answered by a digital scroll across the windshield: Not yet, sir. I am still working on it.Traft grumbled. And yawned again. Not only did his home brewing Jolt machine not work this morning back at the vault—because of some hideous Tourette Syndrome virus going around no less—his brand new just installed Jolt Maker for the bouncer was on the frizz. Freakin’ unbelievable. He just ordered the damn thing off the Gridd and had the techs had installed it yesterday. Had they forgot to connect a wire or two? All he knew was all work and no Jolt makes Kilgor Traft a dull goblin badger. And that was a recipe for disaster in this job of his.Sort of.Traft clucked his purple tongue. “There isn’t a chance the maker got a virus, is there?”I wouldn’t rule out the possibility, sir.Lovely. The only good thing about this was that the maker wasn’t spatting obscenities at him like his home brewer did this morning. Wasn’t that a mind riot, waking up, strolling into the kitchen, hitting the fat red button only to receive obscenities instead of “Good morning! How about a cup ah Jolt?” He kinda liked to hear it every morning. It was kinda nice and an uplift to the start of the morning. But being called a pointy eared dweeb with bad breath was far from a good start to the morning. And an additional “You suck beef liver and onion-flavored Gobstoppers” or “Go to hells and stuff sea weed flavored Pop Rock candies in your mouth” or “Your mama has a wooden leg with a kickstand and sticks the ends of red licorice up her nose” set the wrong mood for the day.Sir, your maker does have a virus and its choice of words are quite …disturbing.“Can you use your anti-virus?”Yes. the anti-virus’ algorithm will take longer than expected I’m afraid, sir. “Fine,” he grumbled. “Just…fix the damn thing, please.”Yes, sir. While you wait, may I suggest a pre-Shift blend, such as Folgers or Maxwell house?“No, you certainly may not. I may as well as drink a cup full of river water.”How about two Sting The Beast tabs? They are manufactured by Jolt.“Negative, Nimbus. Damn things give me the kraken vibes and the last time I consumed them I had a rash from hells. I can only take so much caffeine in the morning and those tabs are five times the size of a regular cup of Jolt. They don’t call them Sting The Beast for nothing.” I have forgotten that, sir. My apologies.“No worries.” He yawned for a third time and looked out the window. Good old Ozarium. The place needs a serious facelift. Why Mr. Gorph doesn’t just clean this place up and make it their own is a mystery. However, there is that more serious problem at hand, the reason why they can’t do that. The reason why I’m here. Clawdious sent me here to locate another unwilling soul to work in Troughs. How many more bodies did the guy really need to work the lines? I’ve had already lost count of the bodies he had already acquired for old baldy and it always seemed like he needed more. Honestly, how many did it take to work the lines? Twenty? Thirty? A hundred? I’m betting Clawdious has revenge in his head since they hurt him pretty bad. Your Jolt coffee, sir.Ah, finally!Kilgor sipped the brew and allowed it to tease his tongue with blueberry and a mild bitterness. He swished it over his teeth before he swallowed, then smacked his lips. “Good job, Nimbus.”Thank you, sir.“Sometimes you surprise me, buddy. You always come through. My right hand man.”I complete my job as necessary, sir.“And you do it quite well,” Traft sucked in a deep breath, blew it out, and turned on the infrared option. A red blip appeared. He zoomed in and found it was inside the Slader Corp building—as usual. He shook his head. It seems they all congregate there. This venture could be a difficult one. He drained his cup and punched the accelerator toward his destination and a holomercial splashed the dashboard. “Stop by Vern’s Virtual Worlds and receive your first ten minutes free when you purchase a virtual vacation!” said the tiny dancing guy in the suit wrapped in a brightly colored jacket. A lady in a brightly colored dress popped out of the air and joined the suit. He grabbed her and spun her like a toy top. A picture burst open behind them and unfolded a collage of inviting vacations while you sit in the Cushy Chair connected to the console. It showed an example of a woman lounged in the Chair with her eyes closed and a smile carved under her nose.Before the holo ended the couple vanished, cutting off their Charleston dance from the pre-Shift days.Kilgor opened his mouth to express something but lost his train of thought when one holo replaced the last, this a face of a man promoting an anti-virus to prevent the Tourette’s Syndrome Virus effecting your home appliances. How convenient, Kilgor thought. If only I knew of it by n—.Another replaced it, this holo’s transmission quite bad as it flickered and warbled, making the speaker’s tone crawl. The background tune had caught the disease as well, but the point it wanted to promote was for the ghost catcher, the Cryptronica.“Nimbus, jam these things, would ya?”Copy, sir.And that was that. No more dancing little people or slow motion vocabulary. Traft cruised over the infamous Bork Burgers, one of the many fast-food restaurants in Westerphere with a flying saucer crash-landed in its roof.Kilgor licked his lips. I wonder if they have any burgers left tucked inside a freezer? Be nice to try one… Slader Corp grew in the windshield, the tallest building in Ozarium. Traft launched the bouncer over the rooftop, found a spot to land and disengaged the landing gear.Traft drained his cup, smacked his lips, and sat it back on the tray. It disappeared inside the dashboard. Then reappeared filled to the rim. He grinned, showing his palate of canines and drained it in one swallow. He noticed he left a drop. He drained that, too. Then he stood and stretched. Yawned for the fourth time today, too. And, stretched again. And, scratched his head again.“Okay. Let’s do this, buddy.” He sniffed.Yes, sir.Traft picked up his weapon of choice and programmed it to link a connection to his HeadKase, the microcomputer in the form of a cockroach attached to his brain. His neurotransmitters relayed the signal. the woman’s voice said. The barrel spun with a whine. Check.The levels pulsed a bright yellow ten.Check.The charge was one hundred percent, plus the external battery.Check.He stuck two fingers to his breast pocket, found it empty. He moved to the next one, found that one empty as well. Then, checked his front pants’ pocket. Only lint. He padded himself down before popping open the glove compartment. Traft frowned. “Where are they, Nimbus?” he said while looking under his seat. Where is what, sir?“My Life Savors.”I do not know, sir.“Figure you could use your infamous clairvoyance and locate those for me.”It’s not clairvoyance, sir. “What’s it called, then?”Foresight.“It’s the same thing, Nimbus. Same meaning.”Not according to my records.“Your records are wrong, buddy.”No, they are fully functional, sir. They are up to date with Gorph’s Library.His nostrils flared and drain a pocket of oxygen. “Right… Just make them find my damn Savors, please.”Can’t be used for that, sir. “Why?”my foresight option is only used for our missions. Not to locate personal items. “In this case, it is part of the mission.”No, it cannot be. “What would be the difference of you locating my Life Savors or locating a Target?”Lots, sir.“Lots?”Yes, sir. Locating a Target is our mission. Locating your Winter Green Life Savors has nothing to do with our mission.“I beg to differ. What if I didn’t have my Jolt for the day? Would you give me the same response?”Yes, sir.“Unbelievable. Let’s pray tot eh gods who ride in the spheres that does not occur. Ever. Look…I need my Wintergreen Life Savors like I need Jolt, both to consume to perform my job. Helps me get in the mood.”How would it put you in the mood to do your job, sir?“Trust me, it just does. Now, help me search for my Savors cause I ain’t goin’ anywhere until I find ‘em.” Your actions will not effect me, sir. We could sit here all day.“Oh? Being a bit sarcastic are you? Tell you what, buddy, you are in charge of logging our progress. You download the reports once we arrive back home. If it’s off by a filament, I mean a hair off, if there are any other notes other than what our work includes, Clawdious will switch you out and replace you with—”Traft moved his foot and kicked something. It rolled across the floor.“Oh. Never mind. Scratch that. Here they are.”The pneumatic door of the tug whispered open and cool air ruffled Traft’s dark hair and the white streak stretched across his cranium. A swath of grey colored the skies, casting bleach white clouds. Pockets of darkness appeared in the windows of a nearby building, except for one small orange glow.Traft frowned. Wonder what that is?Please be careful, sir.“Oh, copy on that, Nimbus.”Mutated worms scattered at his first step. “That’s something you don’t see every day.”The worms took refuge inside a decayed corpse sat upright against a defunct air conditioning unit, as if the box posed as gravestone. The worms made the dead’s lower jaw click open. “Nor that.”Traft swiped a claw across the screen on his Smart bracelet and opened an app. A tiny emoji flame appeared on a graph, idling. He also scanned for any others and found nothing. Traft stood in front of a wall and tapped on a keypad. Nothing happened.“Well, crap. Nimbus, a little help.” Nimbus’ voice was like sticking a bullhorn in his ear.“Whoa! Turn back the voice mode, man!” “Uh, yeah, much,” Traft screwed a digit in his ear and wiggled his claw.A second later the keypad glowed neon green and a spot on wall stretched open.“Thanks, buddy.” Traft sniffed, peeled open the end of the Wintergreen Life Savor's roll with the tip of his claw, and slipped one of the circular candies on his tongue. Then stepped inside.
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