Tell me if you've heard this one before.

A group of unrealistically gorgeous twenty-somethings go out into the remote woods to get drunk and have sex when they stumble upon *insert random demonic zombie killing machine ghost creature here* and end up getting cut to ribbons.

Familiar?

Of course it is. Worse than the redundant storytelling, worse than the cheap jump scares, worse then the lack of originality, the problem with horror movies can be summed up in one phrase: (to quote the great Magneto when he plugged Rogue in the back of the neck with a tranquilizer dart in the first X-Men): "Young people."

Young people running scared through the woods, Evil Dead.
Young people running scared through the woods, Friday the 13th (2009).
Young people running scared through the woods, Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Horror movies have always appealed to young people, teenagers mostly, people who don't know enough about the real horrors of life to even know what's scary. They'll jump at anything that's thrown on the screen accompanied by a loud sound effect and a splash of gore. And most of the time you don't even need the gore.

The reason Hollywood caters to young people is because they're cheap targets. In other words, Hollywood can invest little for big returns. It's the equivalent of a child predator tempting kiddies with Hershey's candy because kids can't tell the difference between a $2 chocolate bar and a $65 gourmet artisan chocolate truffle.

I still watch the occasional horror movie, but I'm selective with what I see. The first thing I look at is the cast. If they fall into that "unrealistically gorgeous twenty-something" range, I move on.

There have been some decent efforts though. The Blair Witch Project, Scream, Evil Dead, The Hills Have Eyes, but mostly it all looks the same: Final Destination, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Saw, Prom Night, House of Wax, My Bloody Valentine, Sleepaway Camp, Joy Ride, Wrong Turn, Rest Stop, etc., etc.

You can only watch teenagers running around acting scared for so long. Eventually, you realize they're all repeating every performance that came before them, and that's not scary. Not in the least.

The Older Protagonist
I sincerely believe that the problem with horror movies today is the lack of older protagonists.

There's nothing scary about watching young people act scared. Oh, sure, the movies try to convince us that the heroine or hero is a "wise soul," smarter than her/his friends, but if that's truly the case then show us, don't tell us. Make the character older. Make the character wiser. Show us how fearless this person is, then spend the movie tearing them down. Because it's not the job of the creature effects or jump scares that sell the fright. It's the responsibility of the cast.

Here are ten horror movies in random order that got it right. (I could've added more, but had to cap it somewhere. So there.)


ONE
Alien remains the quintessential "how to make a horror movie" movie. The entire cast is made up of mature adults, weathered and weary "truckers" who aren't easily deterred. So when they start losing their cool, you know what just hit the fan.


TWO
John Carpenter's The Thing remains another one of horror's classics. You can point to the tremendous creature effects, the isolating locations, or the brilliant direction, but, as always, it's the cast that makes this bit of science fiction totally real. If you're convinced they're terrified, then you're terrified.



THREE
Jaws. It's not the shark jumping up out of the water that's scary. It's Chief Brody's reaction as he backs away slowly in shock until he looks at Quint and says, "You're going to need a bigger boat." People always remember the shark, but they don't realize that it's Chief Brody that made the scene work.


FOUR
Dog Soldiers looks like a B movie, and it is, but the thing that makes this werewolf story one of the best in its genre is the cast of hardened Scottish soldiers who, during a training exercise, wander into the territory of a family of werewolves. Nothing's scarier than seeing grown soldiers frightened out of their wits.


FIVE
The Pack. I've never found dogs to be scary, so I watched this movie with a bit of nonchalance. To my delight, the cast was mainly a middle-aged man and his wife, their two children, and a local police officer. When a pack of wild dogs starts invading their farm, the scares feel genuine because anyone who knows a farmer knows rugged ol' farmers don't scare easy.


SIX
The Exorcist was plenty scary, but having someone with the gravitas of Max von Sydow playing Father Merrin lent the film some credibility. When the wise old Father Merrin was stumped, you knew there was trouble coming.


SEVEN
Predator. As far as horror movies go, this is more action, but you can't deny this franchise lost a lot of credibility when the studio began watering down its R-rated content for teenagers. Before that, nothing was scarier than watching Arnold Schwarzenegger's tough-as-nails team of soldiers be terrorized in the jungle by an alien who thinks he's a spinal surgeon.


EIGHT
Misery. Hollywood, take note. Stephen King is not the master of horror for no reason. He knows what scares, and his books generally feature older protagonists. Misery, one of the best screen adaptations of King's books, works thanks to the sweaty, agonized performance of James Cann and the unflinching Kathy Bates as a psycho with a sledgehammer. Try not to flinch. I dare you.


NINE
The Shining. Who didn't cringe watching Jack Torrance lose his mind in the isolated Overlook Hotel? It's his wife, Wendy, played by actress Shelley Duvall—who was often actually terrified on set—who convinces us what's happening is truly frightening. And it works.


TEN
American Horror Story. There's a reason this show is scaring people all across the world. Its cast is almost entirely adults reacting to supernatural horror situations like any logical adult would react. Watching their pysches break down is the most terrifying thing of all.