“There is scarcely any passion without struggle.”Albert CamusI remember in graduate school analyzing the Greek myth about King Sisyphus. Sisyphus was punished for his deceitfulness by having to push a boulder up a hill, only to watch it continually roll back down, repeating this action time and time again. To the Greek Gods a no more dreadful task than this futile and hopeless labor. This myth of repetitive torture is a brilliant metaphor of what I witness as a therapist and experience personally, in daily life. Even though we may recognize that a situation is not working, like shoving a boulder up a hill, we convince ourselves to keep pushing, hoping that something will change without having to change the situation or ourselves. In the last few years I have been reminded of this myth in regards to pursuing the publication of my book, Cracking Open. I feel like Sisyphus, and finding a publisher has been my rock that I have been pushing up a long steep hill just to have it roll back down.Unconscious of this action because the entire 7 years I was creating Cracking Open, I believed that I would follow the traditional route towards publishing. I would finish the book, hire an agent and they would guide me towards a publishing house to take on Cracking Open as a project. I completely convinced myself that this myth is the only way to get published. I felt this way because this is the route that most acclaimed and revered authors like Joan Didion or John Steinbeck followed. They were discovered either by their feature articles, work at a magazine, or manuscripts followed by a publishing house taking them on towards success. In my mind, this was the only story that I continued to tell myself was possible in regards to publishing Cracking Open.So I began playing the game, attending expensive writers’ workshops where I would cheerfully move from table to table pitching my book hoping to receive a crumb of recognition. Simultaneously courting publishing houses; Chronicle, Random House, or Shambabla Sun Press, praying for some interest. While also sending my query letter to agents from Brooklyn to Seattle crossing my fingers that they would think I was worthy to pay them for their services. During this whole process I felt like Sisyphus rolling that immense boulder up the hill- selling my book, only to watch it roll back down-no response or denied publications. I have heard this story of struggle from many authors, I am not unique in my journey for success, but there was something deep down inside of me that just did not sit well with this process.What I discovered one day on quiet walk by the river was that my ego was driving me to repetitively push this rock up the hill. My ego that felt I am not worthy of publication unless an agent or publishing house says I am worthy. The ego that says, “Self publishing is for people who cannot get published by an agency.” My ego that wanted to hear from a New York publishing house that Cracking Open was the next best seller.What I also uncovered was that this mantra of feeling unworthy is old. You see as a child I was never recognized as being an exceptional writer or outstanding artist. I never won awards or received A’s in writing or art, and it was these memories that were the glue holding me tightly to my ego. My ego that was saying, “It is not okay to self-publish, because in order for you to feel valued you need to have another person publish your book.”Instead of hearing my truth speaking, “You are still a reputable author and artist if you self-publish, you will still be recognized as someone who knows their craft and is passionate in their art regardless of who publishes Cracking Open.” At the end of the day what I learned, is all that actually matters is that I feel proud of my book and my work, and by looking to others for validation and worthiness I am continuing to play out the myth of Sisyphus.I woke up to the truth that my ego was pushing the boulder not my soul and on this simple walk I reminisced about how my soul has made the best decisions for my life, not my ego. It was my soul that drove me to move to Barcelona when I was 28 years old, single, and most of my friends were getting married and having children. It was my soul that fell in love with my husband, an atheist, even though I came from a strong Catholic family. And my soul inspired me to travel to India, alone, at 41 years old leaving my family for three weeks, to follow a calling deeper than logic. Here I was in one single moment again faced with the battle between the ego and the soul, and the soul won out. It was my soul, and a dear, loving, quite pushy friend saying “What are you waiting for, just self-publish, get this thing moving” that encouraged me to self-publish, not my ego.And from this crucial decision beautiful things have been birthed. First, by self-publishing my ego has taken a back seat in all that comes with publishing. I have to be the one marketing myself, distributing the books, and asking friends and family to do the same. I often feel like a pharmaceutical rep dragging my bags of books to hand out to moms on the playground, asking stores to please carry Cracking Open, and spending way to many hours in line at the post office. (Those of you who live in Bend, know this line is long and slow.) And with these actions the ego has no place to shout, “Look at me I’m a published author.” It is waiting humbling on the sidelines to be put in the game. And instead of my ego in the game, what is on the field is gratitude, immense amounts of gratitude.Gratitude to all the friends, family, colleagues, clients and strangers who have bought Cracking Open and who believe in my art and writing. Gratitude that someone has spent their hard earned money on something that I created, gratitude that people are taking time out of their busy day to read a book I put my heart and soul into creating.Gratitude to a woman who I was in a moms’ group with 8 years ago and now lives in Florida offering to post my information on her Homeschooling newsletter, or my realtor, who I was in line with at the post office listening to me stress out because I was running late for a client, kindly offering to deliver a copy of Cracking Open to a woman who lived in her neighborhood, simply to help me have a smoother day. Gratitude that by self-publishing I am in a place to receive verses feeling justified of praise.Is this how I thought publishing a book would play out? No. But is it exactly how it is suppose to be? Hell yes.Even though I never received accolades for my writing or art in school I did receive recognition for my warm spirit, willingness to ask for help or support, and the energy to be the rah-rah of a cause. It is my soul that is being fed when I personally sign and write a note to every person who has bought the book. It is my soul that is growing as I drive one copy to a friend’s office or meet another mom at a birthday party to pass on her 3 copies she bought for friends and family. It is my soul that is alive when I give hugs, and heart felt thanks to each person that has bought my book. That is the game I am playing, the game of gratitude. I may never become a New York Times best seller but one thing I know by self-publishing is that I am no longer reliving the myth of Sisyphis.I leave you with this thought today, be open to life, when you are feeling like Sisyphus pushing boulders up a hill and life keeps rolling them back down, look to see what is not working, how is your ego, rules, “shoulds” and “coulds” preventing you from reaching the top of the hill? Be open to seeing a different road that you never thought you would drive down. Trust that you are exactly where you should be. And don’t let your old wounds and stories around worthiness direct your path in life. Let your soul be the voice of reason when making important and monumental decisions in life. I ask you to Crack Open today to a different story to turn your car in a different direction that may not feel safe or secure but could lead you towards a path that brings joy, excitement or happiness.I am still unclear where the path of Cracking Open will travel and as the Myth of Sisyphus shares, “If the world were clear, art would not exist.”This all being said, this Sisyphus would still love to get published by Random House.