What is it with this smartphone anyway? It’s clearly getting in the way of my therapeutic practice in the art of drift and hum. I’m not sure I can allow this to continue much longer. Life has been altered, and I am not convinced it is a step in the right direction.  Although, I can’t seem to pinpoint the exact nature of the problem. Seriously, though, I’m not convinced my phone is smart, and I think the fancy device may need to go.

But wait! Not just yet. Would it be possible to live without it? How would I know where my kids are? What if they are abducted by aliens and need to phone me from the spaceship? And how would work get in touch with me to tell me about the latest disaster? And the news in general? I read the news on my smartphone, don’t you know.  I can’t open myself up to possibly missing a breaking news alert about how well Washington, DC is working, or whether we have finally found an answer to world peace, or whether we have decided to treat each other with dignity and respect. I want to know the exact moment that happens!

No, I better keep my smartphone for now. I need to be connected, just in case. I need to be smart. I need my smartphone to make me smart.

It really is a dilemma. There are so many reasons to keep my smartphone. For example, if I had ditched my smartphone, I would have missed out on helping this guy who needs a bank account to store his millions of dollars that he is going to give his elderly and feeble grandmother. He’s giving me a million just to help him. What a guy. And it’s all good timing as I could use an extra million right now. On top of that, just yesterday, I received no less than ten emails – completely unsolicited – letting me know how wonderful I am and how much more wonderful I will be with the use of some completely ‘complimentary’ products. Seriously, the products are all free, and they will help me build on my wonderfulness. Seems like a win-win.

I am feeling very conflicted, though. How do I take time to drift and hum and stay loyal to my smartphone at the same time? It is so loyal to me, and as we now know, loyalty is everything. Loyalty – the true virtue of man and device.  Think about it.  The loyalty is so evident – always there beeping and buzzing my favorite sounds, storing and replaying my favorite songs, taking and viewing my favorite pictures, and allowing me to formally declare these as my favorite things in life – all with the click of one button. That may be my favorite thing most of all – the ability to scream and say, “Hey, this is my favorite! Is it your’s too?”

And let us not forget about my social media and my apps. I can’t abandon them now. They depend on me. They will die a slow and lonely death if I am not updating my every move – Where am I now, what am I thinking, what am I doing, what am I eating, what am I wearing, what am I going to do with the rest of my life!

OK, this is no joke. I just had an epiphany – Without my smartphone, is there a chance I will cease to exist? If I abandon my smartphone, could I simply disappear as the bars on the smartphone are depleted from a loss of battery power with no full charge coming in the next hour? Or heaven forbid, maybe I simply consider a hard power shutdown.  How does one even do that? Does my latest iPhone 7 even have a power button?

Wait. This is crazy talk! I can do this. I can ditch the cell. I can live the way I did before. I will simply need to relearn some old skills – Reading a roadmap. No problem. Ordering a pizza. Got it. Memorizing a friend’s phone number. Too easy. Boarding a plane. Old school. Answering email. Hello laptop. Buying stuff at a store. Done. I’ve got this. I remember how to do these things.

Oh no, wait again!  Maybe I didn’t think through this. Maybe there are things I simply can’t do anymore. Maybe, just maybe, that smartphone is a requirement for daily functioning. I’m thinking here. I’m not sure I can relearn to – Carry on a conversation with real eye contact and without interruption, drive my car while paying attention to the road, meet somebody at the corner at 5pm, write a letter, read the comics, ask for directions, say good morning as my first action of the day, go for a hike, enjoy the rain, leave work at the office, check my watch.  Ok, I should stop there.  It’s too much to fathom.

Yes, I think I’m going to rethink this whole thing. Maybe you are thinking the same thing?

Here, I’ll leave you with a poem. Enjoy!

I am a total fool

Enslaved by a useless tool

That is trying to be the commander of my life

I worry about where it is

It competes openly with my kids

God forbid if I don’t plug it in at night

When it makes its sound

My heart begins to pound

In anticipation of what a stranger has to say

I immediately stop what I’m doing

To read the message that it’s spewing

And change my priorities for the day

I secretly admit I cannot wait

Until my phone is out of date

With no more options for a free upgrade

So we will talk face to face

Sitting together in one place

And end this painful virtual charade