Found and transcribed from a piece of paper found inexplicably in a hotel room in London.

Dearly Departed,
Before I died, I hid a stash of unmarked bills in my basement. I’ve been trying to tell my (well, ex-) wife and kids about for some time, but they keep getting freaked out. I’ve tried everything! Moving furniture, flickering the lights, even the messages in the foggy mirror trick, but nothing works! Now they talk something about calling someone to cleanse the house! By the gods old and new, what can I do to tell them before I’m exorcised out the home?

Signed, Scary Rich

Requiescat in pace Scary,
Incidentally, a few other letters have described much this same problem, notably by Edward McCuen II whose granddaughter could save his secret treasure from becoming a golf course. As is typical with mortal relations, the guidelines for haunting are complicated and artful. We’ve long heard stories of the most majestic haunters such as Savine D'Echante who lured her loved ones with her marvelous singing voice, and Horace the Horrible who literally terrified tenants into discovering his secrets, like a spectral shepherd. There is no one perfect way to achieve haunting payoff, so break down your specific goal into broad, manageable tasks and tackle them however you feel fit.
If these ideas do not get your creative ectoplasm flowing, then I must ask you this: Why did you bother hiding your fortune in the first place? Poor planning may be the mistake you have to “live” with for eternity.


Dearly Departed,
This is a bit embarrassing, I’m about 50 years dead now and I still can’t come to terms with how I died, especially since it reflects in my ghostly form.
You see I died of a heart attack halfway through the act of coitus and now, regrettably, I shall forever fly at full mast. This is severely limiting my ability to interact socially with other ghosts and narrows down my haunting posts to positions I’d really rather not take.
Any advice on how to deflate the remains of my earthly indulgences?
Regards, Rigor Mortified

Requiescat in pace Rigor,
Oh my ghostness, I can see how this would be a problem! My first thought (apart from the obvious) is wondering why it is you chose to stay in this mortal coil, as there must have been a very good reason for your continued existence. The fact is, you have all the time in the world to appreciate your position and sheer luck, as many people (dead and alive alike) are envious of your cause of death. Consider that you have obviously have a good story to tell, and harness that confidence to become the “life” of the party! Your eloquence would be well-exercised here.
In the meantime, your fatal fornication may have allowed you access to wearable bedclothes, and it’s always a good time to bring the Sheet Ghost aesthetic back into fashion.


Dearly Departed,
I work in an office and due to my semi-corporeal nature, I sometimes have issues exiting the automatic revolving doors of my office. Obviously, it takes an enormous amount of concentration for me, I stand in this cylinder, ready to leave and I am trapped. I do not haunt my office. I should be free to go when I choose, however I am shackled by a technology which refuses to recognize my efforts. What can be done about this? I stand there sometimes for minutes just… waiting to be recognized. It’s frankly insulting.
Please. Free me from my corporate prison.

Professionally, Regreta Garbo

Requiescat in pace Regreta,
It appears to me that this is less a problem of yours, and much more of that to do with your company’s attitude toward ghosts. In fact, it seems in violation of the Magical Employment Equality acts introduced as far back as the 1890’s, and this may be an issue you could bring up to your managers or even perhaps the Ministry.
If a company is dedicated to employing spirit-kind, they should be making any and all effort to make their buildings spectrally accessible.


Dearly Departed,
How do I haunt the internet?
~@GhostintheC#

Requiescat in pace GhostintheC#
At risk of being colloquial, “You’re doing amazing, sweetie!”
While this publication has not yet made it to the Magical Information Network shell of the non-magical internet, I daresay it is difficult to strike fear into the hearts of a series of ones and zeroes. Perhaps think on a smaller scale, such as haunting particular beings who create these networks. Simple machinery like “keyboards” and “personal computers” afford many opportunities to affect specific change, perhaps even so far as a good ol’ possession! But be warned, there are guidelines to how much a ghost can terrorize non-magical kind (falling under, I believe, one of the amendments within the International Statute of Secrecy) so keep within the allotted trickery and GLHF!


Dearly Departed,
I want the other ghosts to stop screaming. I get it. You’re dead AND scary.
-Shushing all the Banshees

Requiescat in pace Shushing,
Well aren’t you just a fuddy-duddy. There is an eternity out there and you spend it criticizing when others have their fun! You seem like the type who would not attend deathiversaries or convergences, and to that I say, BOO!


That is all for this week, please send in your queries to our Agony Apparition care of Germanus Press. See you on the other side!

There also seems to be a url scribbled on the paper. For other submissions?