Sexism didn’t used to exist in my world—
Or I didn’t think it did.
I was not usually a popular or pretty girl,
So, I read and wrote,
And when I was liked,
It was because I was kind,
Knew how to listen,
Or was unusual.
For a while I thought I might be gay,
But I wasn’t;
I only missed my sisters and mom,
Who I was largely estranged from.

I dressed provocatively in college,
Because I wanted to be noticed,
But it was my eccentric ideas
And playwriting that made me semi-popular.
Theatre school was a social game in part,
And I played it as best as I could.

Now I associate acting with ego
And the desire to be loved.
I realize that those who notice me
Are usually my sort of people,
And that there is something about trying so hard
That is unauthentic and tasteless.

Throughout adolescence,
I joked about rape,
And laughed at it,
Though I had close friends who’d been raped;
I wanted to fit in
And this was the culture…
I objectified girls alongside the boys,
I think because I did not want to be objectified,
And because it would bring me more attention.

After college, I worked at the Underground Tour,
And trained to become Giftshop Supervisor,
Knowing ordering would be my key duty.
When I was asked to place orders
And continue being a Clerk officially
For the same wage I’d been getting ($11 an hour),
I stuck up for myself,
And Giftshop Manager (a man)
Called me “aggressive;”
I was fired by HR woman
At the beck and call of General Manager (a man).
Tidbit: the women who worked in the office
Who male General Manager saw everyday
Made $15, and got insurance.
Unlike them and HR woman,
I didn’t wear makeup, heels, or style my hair.
When I tried to get unemployment,
HR woman lied about what happened,
And it was denied.

Less heartlessly, I have been touched inappropriately—sometimes,
And have recently realized that not consciously caring or objecting
Is both unhealthy and encouraging.
I have flirted when I should not have
Because that is my personality
And I thought that what is authentic is good.

I’ve attempted not to look like a prostitute
Especially when massaging men at work.
I have been as professional as I can with clients;
I have never had one act sexually inappropriate.

I’ve shut down objectifying women as best as I could,
Discouraged the use of “bitches” and “cunts,”
And tried to empower women and men
To be their best, kind selves.
So, me not so much,
Which does not mean that I am responsible for men’s actions,
But perhaps that we can shape our worlds more than we know.