I don't dream often or at least I don't often remember my dreams, but earlier this week I had a doozy.
It was one of those it felt like I was actually in the dream. I thought about it for days.

I played the scenes in my head over and over trying to decrypt its messages. And I decided to share in case someone else has ever faced something like I have.

The dream:

Background of the dream: People have been kidnapping characters from story books. A lady who looks like Kate Micucci is trying to get away while a lady who looks like Regina (from the show "Once" is walking after her.)

Regina: "Please don't leave. I understand it's hard. No one here knows who I am."

Kate: (turns around as if to ask why she should stay)
Regina: "I found this (hands Kate a delicate, golden bracelet) in a locker where they were keeping you. I don't know if it makes a difference..."
Kate: "Thanks." (Turns to leave.)
Regina: (Pulls out a doll that is Barbie sized, but American girl style that looks like Kate, but Regina is unsure what it is and what its purpose is. She starts picking at the skin on the neck.)
Kate: (Scratches at her neck.)
Regina: (Doesn't notice effect on Kate. Starts a match and brings it closer to the doll.)
Kate: (Starts to get red in the face.)
I blow out the match.
Regina: (Sees what the doll is and hands it to Kate.)
Kate: "I was trying to get away from this. People have been controlling me with this all my life. No one has given me it before..."

This is where I woke up.

There's a lot of symbolism here...

Obviously the doll is a sort of voodoo doll which symbolizes someone/ something out side exercising control onto the victim (in this case Kate.)

In my life, I feel like people were often trying to control me. Whether they realized it or not... and regardless of the intent of said trials of control. I felt like the doll (control) was often handed to one party to the next, just out of my grasp and I was wanting to not be controlled, but didn't know how to get away from it.

It went from my mom to religion to my ex and often intermingled with members of society and sometimes well meaning friends/ family members. In society all we fight over is to be accepted/ loved by our peers/ family.

And sometime in the pursuit of love and acceptance instead of just getting it, it comes with this horribly toxic message of "I'll love you if..." or similarly "you'll be lovable if..."

"You'll be lovable if you follow my god just this way..."

"You'll be lovable if you don't speak to loud or take up too much space..." (A message too many women in our society hear one way or another.)

"You'll be lovable if you submit to my authority..."

But at the end of the day, all of those if statements are utter bullshit.

The turning point of the dream is where I blow out the flame.

That is me deciding that I won't be burned up by control.

It's my higher self (Regina the queen) giving me permission to take control of my own life. And it's letting Regina (the higher self) be seen and heard (and known.)

In the face of all these things in society that would rather kidnap them and take them as their own... In the face of the things that would rather I just follow the program instead of speaking up... I choose to defy those who want to control me.

So, I have to rain on society's parade... and anyone else who doesn't want me to take stewardship over my life.

Because I have the doll now- or otherwise said:
I decide what to do with this life.