Do you want to live forever by dying horribly? Do you want your horrible death to be for a good cause? Do you want generations of Seattle public school kids to look at your name and think, “Wow…this was a generous person who died horribly for me.”

No, I’m not asking you to take up arms in the name of public school. I’m asking you to donate to my kid’s school’s playground renovation project and ensure semi-immortality for yourself by becoming a character in my latest book.

In order to finance Phase II of the project, we need to raise $40,000, and we’re doing that by selling bricks and pavers that will bear engraved messages for eternity. If you buy one, you can be a part of my book. How? It’s easy.

If you buy a $100 brick, I’ll name a character after you who will die horribly.

If you buy a $500 paver, I’ll name a character after you who will get some snappy dialog and die horribly.

If you buy a $1000 paver, I’ll name a character after you who will get some snappy dialog and become integral to the plot and die horribly.

And, for one lucky fan who buys two $1000 pavers, your character will get to survive. Think of that! Snappy dialog, integral to the plot, and you’ll live! What a deal!

I am absolutely on the level, friends, fans, and Russian bots. Buy a brick or a paver, and you can join my next book. And die horribly.