Lies. Little white lies. Liar, liar, pants on fire. Fibber. If you have ever been in a toxic romantic relationship you have lied to the ones you love more than you will care to admit. With me being years out of my toxic relationship, I have had some time to dive in and remember some of the lies I have told, and I told a lot of lies. I would tell small lies to my friends about why I couldn’t see them. I told myself lies to keep me in this relationship and I have told bigger lies. Not every lie is surfacing to the forefront of my brain, but one in particular is washing up like waves to the shore. This lie is hanging over my head, resting heavy on my shoulders, and the guilt is setting in. I am not exactly sure why right now I am feeling this way, but it may have something to do with my upcoming trip to Utah. #sledding

If you have been following me you know I have some extended family that I care a lot about. You know I have god kids that are a big part of my life. Well this blog post is for one of them in particular. I am sure he never thinks of this, and why would he, but lately I can’t stop thinking about. During the holidays I was able to spend quality time with my god kids. We hung out, got to know each other better, and our relationships morphed into something different. Better. Now that they are older we have more in common and I feel I can be more of myself around them. After they left I was sad. (Check out my blog “The Fab Five and Then Some”). I had no idea when I would physically see them again, and it bothered me. Just after the new year I got some news that upset me. I sat in my room, crying on my bed, and out loud I said…..

“ If I could be close to anyone right now, who would it be”?

I then picked up the phone and booked a trip to see my god kids in Utah. Booking that trip triggered a memory. A lie. Remembering the lie I told, I felt bad and stupid for the decisions I made while I was in my toxic relationship. Especially the decisions I made that hurt the people I love.

Years ago, just as my toxic relationship was beginning and I had no idea it was toxic yet, I booked a trip. I booked a trip on my own to exercise my independence. I was just out of my 20 year marriage, and into a new relationship. I didn’t take time after my marriage ending to heal and I jumped right into something too fast. To find out more about this be sure to check out my upcoming book, Signs in the Rearview Mirror: Leaving a Toxic Relationship Behind. My godson Zach was playing football for the University of Arizona, he walked on, he’s badass.  I made plans to go see him at school. I reached out to talk to him about it and we made plans. No big deal right? I have known Zach since he was young and it made sense to take a trip to visit him and see him play ball. I had gone to see my oldest godson play ball while he was in college as well. When I arrived we met up, went to the grocery store, he took me on a tour of the campus ect. As I dropped him off at his dorm and checked out his room, my phone started to blow up. Calls and texts. I said bye to Zach and he told me he would have a ticket for me for the game the next day at the stadium. I was excited to see him play. I left and made my way back to the hotel. When I got there I had messages in my room from my then boyfriend. When we  finally spoke, he was upset. Mad. Pissed. I could not understand why he was so mad, until he began to tell me I was ‘twisted’. I was weird for visiting him. He did not like the idea that I was away with “ another guy”. Yes, he called my 18 year old godson another guy. He proceed to call me names and try to make me feel guilty. And he succeeded. He told me if I went to the game he would not talk to me,that I shouldn’t be with someone else that my free time should be spent with him. What he did not understand was that I was not with someone else. I was with a teenager who was probably happy I was there but was also annoyed. That is how kids are. I was not off drinking and smoking and dancing around hanging out in a dorm with “other men”. I was visiting someone I consider family to see how and where he was living. My then boyfriend made it seem as if I were living it up. I was not living it up. I hung up with him and I cried my eyes out. I felt so alone. I could not call Zach and tell him any of this. He would have no idea what to say. I wanted to call my ex husband and tell him but I knew I needed to learn to live without him. I had to figure out what I should do on my own.  I layed in the bed in an empty hotel room, close to someone I loved but could not talk to and I decided to lie. I decided to tell Zach I could not make it to the game. I am not sure what I told him, but I didn’t go to the game. When I told my then boyfriend I didn’t go, he questioned me as to why I don’t go. Are you kidding me? He said that I was stupid and should have gone. He said I made the trip out there to see him and it was a wasted trip.  Looking back I see what he did there. And he continued to do so for years to come because I let him.

Now all theses years later, the memory of that lie to a great kid is creeping up and it has guilt with it. I am sure more of these memories of my lies will come to surface, but today I want to tell Zach I am sorry. I should have supported you during your game, even if you were just on the sidelines.

For all the people currently lying to your friends and your family, you need to stop before you really hurt someone you love. Like I said I am sure Zach never thinks of this, but I do. If you are lying to stay in a relationship, you are in the wrong relationship.