“All of the Things”
I have sat outside on this very deck, just off of my bedroom, on nights when I felt lost, sad, and alone. I have sat out here when I have felt lost and I talked to God for hours about what I was feeling. I poured my heart and tears out to who or whatever was listening in the darkness of night. I sat here for one or two people wondering how I have gotten to this point in my life and tonight on this cool winter evening, I now sit out here for you. I never expected to sit here and think about you in this sort of way. With the chill in the air and the sounds of the flowing river close to me, I wonder what you’re doing and why I have not heard from you. I am wondering, but not the way you may be thinking. I am worried about you. Over the past few months as we have been getting to know each other, I learned so much more about you than I have ever expected. I always thought you were amazing and to my surprise, I find out you are so much more than amazing. You are free and brilliant. Crazy and forgiving. Your laugh is contagious and I love hearing it. Tonight, I just want to know you are OK. I just want to know we are OK. I have learned so much about you, but you don’t know much about me. You once told me you wanted to know “ all of the things” about me. I know this was said in a playful manner, but there are some things you should know about me.
I overthink. I overthink about everything. I am crazy indecisive. I can’t make a decision about anything. Not a big decision nor a small one. I am sensitive, I am a crab. Hard on the outside, but on the inside, I am mush and I cry. ALOT. I am a caretaker, a major caretaker. Go ahead get sick on my watch and you will never want to feel better again. Yes I have been through some stuff. I have been to hell and back and then I went back again for a visit. But I am strong. I can take care of myself if I need to, but secretly I wish I didn’t have to. When I love, I fall hard. Deep. I am full of passion both good and bad. I am scared each day I will relapse in my recovery. I pray. A lot. I give more than I should to others and don’t take much in return, but when I do, it’s usually heartache. I have had a divorce, an engagement called off, been punched in the face, and I have had to break up with friends. Taking a punch in the face was easier than the friend break ups. But if I love you, I love you forever. At the same time, when I am done, I am done. But I will always love you. I am not sure if I have one of those “ the one who got away”, but I have been hurt. I also know my best and most happiest times in my life have not happened yet and that is what gets me out of bed each and every day. I can’t dance or sing, but I do both daily. I love cold nights and warm blankets and for now I don’t like to share my bed, with anyone. I am as free as I can be and I want to keep it that way. I wrote a book and I am terrified for the world to read it. The skeletons in my closet, have skeletons in their closets and I pray none of them escape. Social media is a bitch. Music drives my every move and the day my book comes out, I’ll be at the beach watching the sun rise and I will be alone. I will talk to both God and my dad and I will cry like a muther fucker. That night I will be getting a tattoo. I am proud of the things I have accomplished but I also feel I should not be celebrated for not being a shitty person. People should not be shitty because it’s a shitty thing to do. It took me longer than usual get over my ex. I love football and I am funny. I am easy going and I hate sleeping at others peoples houses. So if I sleep at your house, you mean alot to me. When I feel, I write. I write about everything. Surprise.
Some of these things you already knew about me but you need to know that I will never do anything to hurt you. I know you are not the person for me to love in a romantic way. I know at this point in your life you are not capable of taking on my fears, my worries, or my desires. I know you also can’t celebrate with me or travel the world in the way I intend to do. I know this is not the role for you in my life. But I don’t want you to leave my life. I want more of those late night calls of you telling me about your bad dates and adventurous travels. I want one more brunch with you and more days of sitting close to you and feeling safe. It has been a short time, but you were put in my life for one reason or another and I want to find out why. So text me back.
