First of all, you’re not crazy.  This is a real thing, these feelings are real, you don’t need to “just snap out of it,” and it’s okay to be feeling the way you’re feeling.

It’s also not going to last.  You are going to get through this, and you’ll wonder why you felt so bad.  It will seem like it couldn’t possibly have happened like that; there’s nothing wrong with you now, why was there then?  And the next time it will be as baffling and as distressing because it’s not you.

IT’S OKAY.

You’re going to be all right.

***

I had heard about sub drop before I started any serious kink play.  I wasn’t worried about it.

A year previously, I had come out of a stress- and circumstance-induced depression.  I had learned the Many Coping Mechanisms. I had a good therapist. The sun had come back out and although the path was not straightforward, not linear, for the most part, I was much, much better.  On the other side of everything I had been through, sadness became scary, but also something that I believed I could overcome.

Further, I had played before — lightly (although I didn’t know how lightly at the time).  I had never had the slightest inclination of sub drop.

The first time I played for real, played hard?  Whoa.

I did not even know if I wanted to stay in the scene, if this was the consequence.

***

So what is happening?

Sub drop is loosely defined as the loss of the endorphin high you get during play.

It is ALSO the feeling of loss and sadness that can happen anywhere from hours to days after play.

You could carefully categorize those separately.  It doesn’t really matter. The important thing is what you do.  As I said above, the first thing is to realize you’re not crazy; this really is happening to you.

In the first case, it’s caused by the chemistry in your body.  It can be prevented (or at least minimized) with proper aftercare, so make sure you know what aftercare you need.  Maybe you need cuddles. Maybe you need to talk to someone. Maybe you need chocolate. Maybe you just need a hell of a nap.  (I have known subs who needed any and all of those things.)

Your Dom should know about this, and help you get what you need.  That’s part of the deal. I have known several Doms who had no idea what sub drop was.  (It’s a good test question when you’re Dom shopping.) Some Doms don’t want to cuddle, and that is okay, if they can still make arrangements for you to snuggle with someone else.  How you get your aftercare is totally up to you! Just don’t blow it off if it doesn’t look the way you expected.

Hey, there are plenty of articles about this.  I’m not going to go into great depths about aftercare.

***

However, I do want to talk about that other kind of sub drop.  The ephemeral thing that happens hours or days after a scene. The kind of sub drop that doesn’t have a chemical basis causing the slump.  The kind of sub drop that had me questioning if I even wanted to be in the scene the first couple of times it hit me.

The problem was that although I could find a lot of great information on how to deal with sub drop, and a lot of great information on the importance of aftercare, I struggled to find the answer to the question that was most important to me:  WHYYYYY was this HAPPENING?

It may well be that the better the subspace, the worse the sub drop.  But that didn’t give me any answers. And frankly the sub drop I was experiencing was frightening.  I wasn’t sure it was even worth the bliss.

And, as helpful as the kink community can be, I couldn’t find any real information.  Plenty of anecdotes, plenty of advice, but no science. (I truly can’t understand why there aren’t hundreds of research projects about kink…)  I want data, I want evidence, I want graduate research studies, I want to feel like this isn’t just me going crazy: that this is in fact something that happens to lots of people and gets studied.

I found one article (which I will share with you, if you are like me and want the science):

http://journalofpositivesexuality.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Black-and-Blues-Sub-Drop-Top-Drop-Event-Drop-and-Scene-Drop-Sprott-Randall.pdf

In this article, the researchers draw the conclusion that this second form of sub drop is rather like grief.  It is a stage of emotional attachment, whether to an idea of the self or to the adrenaline of the scene. Interestingly, they focus more on the grief aspect than the identity aspect, which I personally found more useful.

Even having read this, I wasn’t done grappling with my sub drop experience.  I came to peace with it when I recognized that this is not a strictly kink experience: it is something that happens after many intense experiences, both emotional and physical.  Runners call it “post-race blues.” People commonly experience depression after vacation, especially a pleasurable vacation.

Personally, taking these feelings out of the context of kink helped me deal with the fact that they were happening.  This isn’t a sex thing. This isn’t a perversion thing. This is just something that happens to humans after a major event, whether it’s stressful or blissful.

***

Whatever helps you, do it.  Whatever aftercare you need, get it.  And whatever you think of yourself, of your vulnerability, take care of yourself.  (Whether that is something you do, or the simple matter of finding a top who will get you the care you need.)  It’s nothing to mess around with or ignore, but it also doesn’t have to stop you from playing the way you want.