“Showing no activity; dull and sluggish.” Dull and sluggish describes my brain function well this year — often. I’m able to do many of the things I expect myself (and others expect of me) to do. The grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, laundry, bill paying — they’re all getting done, sometimes half-heartedly, sometimes later than they “should” be, but they’re happening. It’s extremely challenging for me to get much done beyond those things — especially to continue sorting, tossing, recycling and packing the contents of thirty years in our home. And my inability to proceed there seems to have blocked my progress in many areas of my life. Thankfully, I don’t feel like crawling in bed and never crawling out, but I feel stuck. Like a “body of water…having no current or flow,” though I don’t have the “unpleasant smell as a consequence.”

Since I can no longer tolerate this stagnant season, I’ve had to reflect on why I’m stuck and what to do about it. So many questions arise. Why have I let this go on so long? (Thank you, depression.) Why have I become an unreliable friend? Emails and texts can go unanswered, or answered very late. Neglect of others is not something I’d choose, is not the person I want to be. (Thank you, depression.) I’ve grown accustomed to these stuck feelings in late winter, to battling the clouds in my head. So why has this year been different? What am I to learn in this stagnant season of my life?

I’ve learned I can hide my sadness and feelings of worthlessness from others, but not from myself.

I’ve learned that writing can help, but not completely vanguish the darkness.

I’ve learned that trying to ignore uncomfortable thoughts, feelings and fears does not erase them.

I’ve learned that my ongoing commitment to regular exercise, writing and taking my anti-depressants are not enough this time to keep down the depression demons.

I’ve learned (again) that depression lies. For when I can sit back and objectively evaluate this year, I see actions, connections and writing of which I should be grateful and proud.

I’ve learned that I can’t live well when constantly comparing my concerns and problems to others who always seem to have worse problems.

I’ve learned I need more help to truly step out of these muddy waters.

After many years, I have returned to seeing a therapist. I need some guidance and encouragement to fully embrace the blessed life I’ve been given. I am ready to kick this stagnant season farewell and I have to believe therapy and my commitment to being honest with myself will lead me where I want to go: to live with joy and purpose, to be able to BE a blessing in this world.

Lessons from a Stagnant Season was originally published in Pam Writes on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.