WHERE WAS I?

Greetings to everyone.

Hope all of you are having good day good week so far. If not, well, just hang in there, the clouds will pass and sun will shine once again on all you lovely people. Until then, enjoy the lovely weather, assuming it’s about to rain. *WINKS*

You guys must have noticed I was absent for the past whole year. A few of you would have wondered if I’m okay or not but that’s just wishful thinking. Today, I’m going to confess where I’d been.

It all started in June, my result came out and with that began job hunting. I was extremely tensed. My peers were getting jobs, and here I was, facing one rejection after another. Sometime’s I’d reach the last round and then kept waiting endlessly for the confirmation call. I had to prove myself, get out of the house. I hate being cooped up in the house. There was a contractual government job for which I had applied. THe result was due later in July. But the idea of waiting for it, only to face rejection again was driving me mad. Gradually, all my friends got selected in various schools but here I was, unemployed and going crazy. What was most insane was the fact that all my friends, teachers and family were quite confident about me from the very starting. They believed I’d easily get selected. But the ground reality turned out to be completely different. I started doubting myself; maybe they were all wrong, what if they were just saying all this and not mean it! There were periods when I’d be too depressed to even eat or talk. Often, I cried for hours due to all the frustration and hopelessness.

June turned to July and then one day, the clouds of darkness parted slightly, and I was informed about a job opening in my Alma Mater. I’d studied there up to middle school and this was like my first home away from home. I went there, gave a demonstration and they said they’ll get back to me. I was happy, confident and hopeful once again. the demonstration couldn’t have gone any better. I waited but no cal came. Even the result for that government job was postponed indefinitely. July was about to end and I was nowhere near bagging a job.

Suddenly, one late afternoon, when I had given up all hope, I received a call from the school where I had given the demo. I was hired. It was the last week of July and I was so happy. They salary was very low, lowest among everyone I knew and this did put me out a little bit. But I was joyous to get a job at least.

Just when I thought life was looking good, it slapped me in the face. TWICE.

On the first day of August, my grandma fell ill and was hospitalized. Soon, after, health of my dad who was a chronic patient for almost a decade also started deteriorating. He was advised to undergo surgery. My grandma was still in hospital, so we scheduled the surgery sometime later in the month, hoping she’ll be cured and out of the hospital by then. My mother was frantic. She would be in the hospital at night and for hours during daytime too, taking leave of absence from her work. In between, she looked after my dad too. We all prayed all the time for their well-being. But, prayers couldn’t save her and in mid august, she passed away. I can’t describe what it was like at that time. My mother had just lost her own mother, but she had to take care of my father too. He had to undergo surgery a week after.

We admitted him to the hospital and the operation was done successfully, or so the doctors said. a week after the surgery, he came home but his health kept deteriorating rapidly. Again, he was admitted. My mother would remain by his side all day and all night. Our family was heart-broken; to lose grandma and now to see dad like this. It was too much. I

As if this wasn’t a trial enough for me, I wasn’t getting my salary from the school. There were departmental and administrative troubles there. Sometimes, i just felt like quitting and stay at home. but my dad wouldn’t hear of it. He kept pushing me for my rights. He said, I had worked there, invested my time and skill, I cannot quit without taking what was rightfully mine.

And then two months after my grandma, my dad passed away too. If we were heartbroken earlier, it was nothing compared to how we were now. To lose core parts of family within a span of mere two months, no one can understand what’s it like. I hope no one does. The pain is just unbearable.

We all were coping with our losses but it was our mother for whom we felt the most, losing both mother and husband, one after another, within such short time is too cruel.

For months, I was unable to sleep. I couldn’t even close my eyes for as soon as I’d close them, images started turning in front of them. I kept it all inside. Still do, all the pain, the grief, it’s bottled up within me. I haven’t cried since then.

A month after his death, I received my salaries, all the pending ones at once. But what shall I do with them! My first salary, and I couldn’t fulfill my dream to gift something to my grandma and dad from it. I felt the unluckiest person to ever walk on this Earth at that time.

Months have passed. But that void is still there, constantly aching, hurting.

I was unable to do write anything. But then, I realized neither of them would like to see this. They always encouraged me to write, to pursue my dreams and to shoot for the stars.

So here I am now. Writing once again. Hoping to make them proud someday.

I pick up my pen

Trying to write something

But pages after pages

Are wasted in vain.

The Ink of pain

Spilled all over the pages

Is enough I guess

What I feel is expressed.

A grieving mother by my side

All her adornments removed

A little brother stuck in tides

sorrows buried deep in chest

A sister oscillating to and fro

Between responsibility and heartache

A brother-in-law consoling all

A pillar standing strong and tall

A nephew too young to comprehend

Relying on others to feed and tend

And then lastly there is me

the family black sheep

Not wanting to talk at all

Just be alone and sleep.

Numb, unable to believe

When I’m still doubtful

how can I grieve!