A popular book in the eighties suggested that everything we need to know about life we learn in kindergarten. That’s sadly true in some ways. Too often, one of the things we discover in those early years of school is how to be cruel.

My elementary school was in a working class neighborhood of Bayonne, New Jersey. Kids would make up nicknames for other students. Usually they weren’t kind. A small, thin-boned boy was dubbed “Mousie.” A girl with protruding teeth was called “Buckwheat.” I am still moved to tears when I think of a sweet boy in our seventh grade class named Gary who was slightly developmentally challenged. His nickname was “Java Man.”

I wasn’t one of the kids who called others names. Even then I had a gut sense that kind of behavior was wrong. Still, I didn’t speak up to try to stop it either -- something that haunts me to this day.

These days, name-calling has become routine, even fashionable, within our public discourse. Terms like “losers,” “animals,” and “enemies of the people” get tossed around. This needs to stop. I guided a retreat recently where several of those who attended acknowledged they struggle with rage over what they see happening in our country. The temptation is there for even gentle, well-mannered people to want to fight back with their own words of derision. That just leads to a further lowering of the bar for communication.

I learned a handy rule of thumb from the Benedictine sisters of Mount St. Scholastica Monastery. Before you open your mouth to speak, ask yourself three questions. Is what I am about to say true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? That last one might be the most difficult of all. If we hear something that makes us angry or upset, we don’t have to respond in kind, or in an argumentative way. Sometimes the best argument – the best way to express our disagreement – is silence. In his Rule for monastics, St. Benedict says sometimes even good words can be left unsaid “out of esteem for silence.”

Keeping silent is often a difficult practice for me. I feel as though I need to speak out, to spring into action whenever I encounter injustice. Perhaps it comes from years as a journalist trying to stand up for the marginalized, to give voice to the voiceless. It’s particularly hard too for women or minorities whose voices society has long stifled. There are, however, other ways to register our disagreement without being disagreeable.

A sign in front of one of the local elementary schools in my community says: “Summer Assignment: Do A Good Deed Every Day.” It sounds hokey, but it’s a better use of our time than arguing with family members, friends or co-workers when what we see makes us angry. A friend of mine suggests that we respond to feelings of rage, not with harsh words, but by doing a random act of kindness. It’s a discipline I am slowing trying to learn.

What methods work for you? How can we dispense with the useless name-calling and the unnecessary discord sweeping our country?