Writing another one of these. I usually write them and then delete them an hour later. It clears my head, like tossing things to the wind, I guess.

Maybe I’ll leave this one up, maybe not…I’ve written this phrase maybe a dozen times now.

I think the fire in me is gone. Not that I’m depressed or unhappy…but that rage is definitely not there anymore. I think it’s a good thing but I also don’t feel as driven anymore.

Life has thrown one too many curveball at my head lately and I’m on my guard for a minute or five.

I don’t know.

I don’t think I have another crime novel in me right now. I’ve been writing comedy. For real. I’d like the idea of making people laugh. I’ve talked about shit and “hard” and crime for too long. The puss has been out for a while now. Laughing people are happy people. I could see myself as a part of that.

Daily is good. I came into a few hundred bucks I didn’t expect at all today.

Decided to put my money where my mouth (and mind) was. Opened a trading account today. Fees are risky but I’ve been saying this shit was about to crash for months now…would be an asshole not to do something about it now that I could squeeze in something in the very last moment of this “bull market.” we’re gonna know in 3 to 6 weeks or we’re gonna know in a year but my guts says 2018!

I ran the math and its good. If I’m right its good (really good) money for my future…if I’m wrong…itll be a few hundred bucks I didn’t have in my budget to start with so I’m going in.

Had a date this week. I don’t think well be dating or maybe even not see each othet agaib…I don’t know. She was tall and cute and smart and we did pick at each other’s brains in rare and interesting ways. But former hippie and former hardcore kid….yeah…we connected on smarts, the environment and our unconventional way of thinking. I don’t know. Spark was missing? One way or another it’s always nice to find yourself in the company of such a woman and I’ve learned to appreciate these moments.

Home life is still not what I hoped. I’m super confident in my role as a father and my girls bring me instant joy…that makes my week off (alone) that much harder.

Randomly ran into my ex-wife (in traffic?!?) and while I have no feeling towards her anymore, I did get a flash of family life I had for 10 years. I miss the “whole” the “unit”. I think that makes sense.

I think I had a moment with a cute girl at the climbing gym. We had that half second stare at each other before quickly looking away. Maybe it was nothing, maybe I’ve started to notice these things again. I think I could get used to that.

(Sidebar, I had my best climb ever yesterday did a real v5 for the first time and a v4 plus all the rest!)

Still hearbroken about someone else. Not gonna hide that. So far so good. No panic texting or email, minimal instagram creeping but I still can’t help but wonder. Will need more time to figure my own self out on this one

Art is still good. Im a cliché, always thinking my work is not good enough. Did two really good pieces, one massive canvas I still have to finish. Emotionally, this is some of the most satisfying stuff I ever did.

Right now I just wish I had someone yo share a phrase like that with.

Girls are back tomorrow. I’ll feel fulfilled and overwhelmed and happy. Next friday is climbing and then yardworks with the parents.

Don’t expect to feel this down again for two weeks. But I know I will.

My life is good. I’m just lonely.

This one feels good writing. I think I’ll leave it up.

Take care. Ian