Episode two of ‘Tell Me About That!’ was about to start.  Enzo had arrived late.  He met his new producer, Bob, but it was too close to air time to be able to have any real conversation.  Bob had only joined the team the day before, and was acting in more of a learning capacity until he caught on to the way Enzo liked doing things.

The lights went up and the applause signs flashed brightly on both sides of the studio.  The audience cheered loudly as Enzo stood in front of his desk, smiling wide at the center camera with the green light on top.  “Hello,” he said with his British accent, “and welcome to ‘Tell Me About That!’  The show that welcomes guest who make incredible claims and then tries to poke holes in those same claims.”  The audience laughed as he put his hands together, and said, “Our guest tonight owns a lamp that he says he believes is cursed.  Please help me welcome to the stage, all the way from Beechnut, California, Mr. Gary Decker!”

The audience applauded enthusiastically as Gary entered from the left side of the stage, slowly coming out from behind a gray curtain.  Gary was an older man; heavy-set with short salt and pepper hair.  He was dressed in a black suit that was a shade too tight for his physique, and he hadn’t shaved in several days.  He was pulling a small red wagon behind him that held a long brown box.

When he arrived at Enzo’s desk, they shook hands awkwardly, as Gary brought Enzo’s hand up and down with a quick, exaggerated motion.  Enzo pulled his hand away when he got the chance and motioned for Gary to have a seat as the audience’s applause died down.  Enzo got comfortable behind his desk as he said, “Gary, Gary, Gary, thank you for coming on the show today.  Really so good of you to come!”

“Thank you for having me,” Gary said.  Gary’s voice had a unique whine to it.  The tone reminded Enzo of the noise a birthday whistle made.  The kind that had the paper attached to it, so when you blew it, the paper would unfurl and cause the nasty whistle sound.

“So, tell me a little bit about the lamp.  Where did you get it, and why you believe it’s cursed,” he said.

“So, I got the lamp at a garage sale and I know it’s cursed because bad things have been happening to me ever since the moment I got it,” Gary said.  “I don’t have proof that it’s cursed, of course, but the bad luck that follows it is staggering!”

“Okay, well then, let’s have an example,” Enzo said.  “And before we continue, is it a correct statement that the lamp is in that box next to you in your little red wagon?”  The audience laughed as Gary said, “Yes, that’s right.  It’s in a lead-lined box to protect us all.  It’s the only thing that seems to help.”

“I see, so tell us what horrible things have happened with this lamp in your possession,” Enzo said.

“I paid ten dollars for the lamp.  When I bought it I was confused by the couple that sold it to me because they appeared so happy over this little sale.  They were even hugging each other as I drove away.  I saw them in my rearview.  Anyway, after I left, I stopped at the first red light I came to, and a tree landed on my car; right on the hood!”

“Oh my; was there a storm going on?” Enzo asked.

“No, it was a beautiful, sunny afternoon!  I stopped at the light, and a tree on the side of the road smashed down right in front of me on the hood!”

“Wow…”

“From that point on, as soon as I got the think home, all kinds of things started going wrong with my house.  The first time I used it, I put it on the end table by my bed.  When I turned it on, the power blew out throughout the house,” he said, throwing his arms in the air as if to mimic an explosion.

“But, can you blame that on the lamp?” Enzo asked.  “I mean, perhaps it’s a faulty outlet or overloaded circuitry.”  Gary shook his head emphatically without speaking for several seconds.  “I can; it’s the lamp!  It’s definitely the lamp!  That same night I had terrible nightmares, and they continued every night thereafter.  I lost my job, my dog ran away, and all of my appliances broke.”

Enzo held one hand by his mouth as he thought about Gary’s comments.  “I am sorry about your job and your dog, but appliances do break down, you know.  I mean, they don’t last forever.”

“Yes, I know, but they all broke down on the same day!” he said.

“I see; well, that is a bit odd, isn’t it?”

“Yes, my house had power, but nothing in the house worked.  I had to eventually buy everything new.  This kept up for three months until I finally traced all of my problems back to the lamp.  I realized that all of my problems started with the tree falling on my car.”

“And what did you do when you discovered the problem?” Enzo asked.

“First, I tried to take it to a church.  I have one within walking distance from my house, and I wasn’t about to put that thing in my car again, so it was a good plan.”

“Heavens no; not in the car again!” Enzo said.  “So, what did the church do for you?”

“I went there thinking maybe they could bless it or throw so holy water on it or something.  I don’t know, I was just hoping they could get rid of the evil.  But I got to the church during their service, which was my plan.”

“Uh huh.”

“And they told me I couldn’t come in there with the lamp,” Gary said.

“Why not?”

“I think they were anti-lamp,” he said.  Enzo and the audience began to laugh.  “Anti-lamp?  Is that an actual thing?”

“It may be, I don’t know,” he said.  “But, either way, they made me leave.  I called around to different churches to see if someone would come to the house, but they all thought I was joking.”  Gary had a dejected look on his face, when Enzo said, “How rude!  I mean, you’ve got a cursed lamp here!  That’s not a joking matter.”  The audience chuckled as Gary nodded, and said, “After that, I buried it, but bad things kept happening.”

“What else happened?”

“Well, for one thing, I developed a rash,” Gary said.

“A rash…,” Enzo said.  “And you attribute that to the lamp?”  Gary nervously scratched the top of his head, and said, “Yes.”  He looked around at the audience, waiting for a break in their laughter, and said, “And one of my windows broke when a baseball went through it.  Some kids were playing ball nearby, and it got away from them.  It could’ve been the lamp.”  Enzo slapped his hand down on his desk as he openly began laughing, along with the audience.  Gary began to look irritated as he sensed the crowd turning on him.  “It’s true!” he yelled in a squeaky voice.

Enzo saw him getting upset and did his best to regain his composure and change the subject.  “So, at some point you put it in that box, did you?” he asked as he pointed to it.

“I did,” he said, “It’s led lined and seems to have done the trick.”

“Oh, it did, did it?” Enzo asked.

“Well, my rash cleared up pretty quickly,” he said as the crowd laughed.

“I’m very happy that you brought it with you.  It seems ironic that a cursed lamp is being wheeled around in a child’s toy.  Would you agree?” Enzo asked.

“Uh, no, I don’t see the irony.  The wagon is just a practical vessel.  Nothing says it needs to be used by a child,” Gary said.  The audience laughed again, as Enzo said, “I suppose that’s true.”

“But anyway, yes, that is the lamp in the box, in the wagon,” Gary said.

“Fabulous,” Enzo said.  “And do you have any idea why the lamp is cursed?”

“No, no idea at all,” Gary said.  I spoke with someone who knows about this sort of thing though.  She said that objects can have bad vibrations attached to them if they were involved in something traumatic or extremely negative in nature, such as a murder or suicide.”

“I see; did this person offer a solution of any kind?  I would think destroying it might help.”

“I suggested that to her as well, but she said that due to the severity of the curse, if I try to destroy it, it’s quite possible that it would only break into smaller pieces, each having just as much power as the whole.”

“Ah, and we don’t want twenty of these little devils roaming the earth, right?” Enzo asked.

“I should say not!  She suggested the led box, and that worked.”

Enzo clapped his hands together as he smiled, and asked, “Right, now that we’ve discussed the topic to death, may we see the lamp?”

“Certainly,” Gary said.  He reached down into the wagon and pulled out a manila envelope.  He opened it and pulled out a photo of the lamp, and then turned it for the audience to see.  He pointed to the base of it, and said, “This monkey reading the book is what drew me to it.  I like monkeys.  I’m a monkey guy.”  Enzo looked around the page at the picture of the monkey sitting with its legs crossed, reading a book, and said, “That’s a very nice picture, Gary, but may we see the actual lamp now?”

Gary shook his head, and said, “Oh, it’s far too dangerous to remove from its box.  It could destroy us all if I let it out!”

“But you were asked to bring it here so we could all see it,” Enzo said.  “What good does it do for the interview if we leave it sitting in the box?”

“Far too dangerous…” Gary said, rubbing his left eye.

Enzo began to appear the smallest bit frustrated, as he said, “You mean to say that you truly believe that lamp will cause bloody chaos if you just open the box and pick it up for us to look at?”

“Yes, that’s right…” he said, as he finished rubbing his eye.

“It’s just a bloody lamp!” He yelled

“Bloody cursed lamp,” Gary said, quietly.

“Alright then,” Enzo said,” let’s ask the audience.  By a round of applause, who’d like to see the lamp come out of the box after waiting all this time thinking you were going to see it?”  The audience erupted with applause as many stood and cheered, somewhat prompted by the offstage signs blinking.

When the cheering subsided, Enzo looked to Gary for his approval to open the box.  Gary’s eyes went to the floor as he buckled under the pressure, as he reluctantly said, “I just want it on record that I was against opening the box.  I won’t be held responsible for any damage caused.”

“Duly noted, now open the box please,” he said quickly.  Gary sighed and shrugged as he said, “Very well; I was hoping to convince you otherwise, but I suppose I should’ve known better.  He leaned down and carefully un-latched the box and then slowly swung it open as if it were a bomb.  He leaned down further as he whispered, “Oh dear,” picked up the lamp gingerly, and rested it on his knee.

Enzo looked it over from behind his desk, and finally said, “It’s not very imposing, is it?  The lamp was of simple design.  It had a square base with the golden monkey sitting just above it on a small pedestal with his legs crossed, reading a book.  A black eighteen inch shaft held the wiring up to the lightbulb, covered by a small, off-white shade with clear plastic crystals hanging from its lowest point all the way around.  “I’ll admit it doesn’t look like much, but it’s plenty evil, alright.”

“Why do you think this little guy is so angry?” Enzo asked, pointing to the monkey.

“I don’t know, but we’ve had our fun, so may I put it away now?  I’d like it safely back in the box.  We’re tempting fate by having it out this long,” he said.

“Now Gary, you really don’t think all these bad things that happened to you are somehow related to this lamp being in the daylight, do you?  I mean, I’m starting to wonder if this whole thing isn’t just a giant dry for attention.”

“Are you crazy?” Gary yelled.  “This lamp has a terrible curse!  He looked around and said, “Oh, enough of this, you don’t believe me; none of you believe me!”  He leaned down to put his lamp back in the box as Enzo raised his hands over his head, and said, “Oogie boogie!”

Gary moved faster after that, as the audience laughed at him, slapping the lid down on the box and clasping it shut, and then stood up to leave.  Enzo stood up with him and smiled as he said, “Gary, don’t go; the show’s not over.”

“Oh, it’s over, alright!” Gary said.  He began pulling his little red wagon across the stage when one of the front wheels fell off and rolled away.  Gary watched, mortified, as it rolled out of sight and the audience fell out of their chairs laughing.  He pulled up higher on the handle to get the other three wheels to touch the ground, and then continued pulling the wagon away.

Before he got all the way off-stage, he stopped and turned to Enzo, and said, “Before I knew it was cursed, I knew a man who was celebrating his ninety-fifth birthday.  Throughout his life he had collected many objects with monkeys on them.  I assumed the lamp would make the perfect birthday gift for him, so I wrapped it and presented it to him at his party.”

Enzo smiled, and asked, “And what happened with that?”

“He had a lovely birthday celebration, surrounded by beloved family and friends.  The next day, his son called me to tell me my friend had died the previous night.  He said he didn’t feel right keeping his father’s gifts under the circumstances, and he insisted I take it back.”

“How many gifts would you say your friend received that night?” Enzo asked.

“Oh, he must have gotten several dozen gifts that night; why?”

“Doesn’t that mean it’s possible that any one of those gifts could have been cursed?  It wasn’t necessarily your lamp,” he said.

“I’m sure it was the lamp,” Gary said.

“He was ninety-five years old, Gary!  God bless him, but people don’t typically live that long!  It was just his time!”  Gary stood motionless for a moment, staring at Enzo, and finally said, “It was the lamp.”  Gary turned to continue across the stage as Enzo came around his desk to try to convince him to stay, tripping on the foot of it as he did.  He stumbled forward a few steps as Gary heard him and turned back to look.  “It’s begun!” Gary yelled in a nasal voice, as he turned and left.  Enzo smiled as he caught himself and stood up, watching Gary leave.  “Come on, Gary; come back!” he called as he shook his head in disbelief.  “You don’t need to take it out of the box again!”

“Gary came back to the edge of the stage, and yelled, “The interview is over!”  Just then a light fell from above, smashing on Enzo’s desk, and creating a loud popping sound, startling everyone and sending glass shards flying.

Many people in the audience began to get up and move away from the stage, while a few left through the back.  A stage hand that came out to help clean up the glass, slipped on it and fell, cutting both arms as he got back on his feet.  He limped away, holding one of his arms as he swore under his breath, and accidentally bumped squarely into the end of the set’s back wall.

The wall, bearing the name of the show, wobbled a bit at first, and then let go from above, crashing down forward, covering Enzo’s desk and the guest’s chair.  Enzo backed away as he saw it happening, retreating to the extreme edge of the stage.  He heard Gary yell from off-stage, as he walked out one of the emergency exits, “I tried to tell you but you wouldn’t listen!”  Enzo watched the little red wagon go through the door as it quietly shut, and then he turned back to the audience when he heard lights popping.  Lightbulbs above the audience were exploding above the unfortunate souls who thought they were simply going to be entertained for an hour, but at this point were holding their arms over their heads and running for shelter.

Enzo, trying to escape the falling glass, backed up around the fallen set, into a TV camera.  The cameraman had already abandoned it, so when Enzo backed into it, it spun away from him, causing him to fall and land on his back.  Once down, Enzo turned and realized that the camera provided him with a small amount of shelter from the flying shards of glass.  He stayed where he was as he watched the audience, now behaving as a screaming hoard; knock each other down as they all tried to make their way through the doors at once.

When all the people had gone and the lightbulbs stopped popping, Enzo sighed in relief and smiled as he rolled out from under the camera and stood up.  He looked around one more time, just in case there was anything else that may want to take his life, and then brushed some dust off of his pants and walked in front of the camera as he combed through his hair with his fingers.  “Well, this looks familiar, doesn’t it?” he asked.  He laughed as he said, “My God, this is insanity.  I can honestly say I’m re-thinking my move from England.”  He brushed some debris off of his shoulder, and said, “Was this the result of a cursed monkey lamp or simple bad luck at an inappropriate time?  I’ll let you decide while I clean this mess up.  I’m thinking it’s the latter, though.”  He stood up as straight as possible, smiling wide, as he said, “Join me next week, when my guest will be…a ghost.”