October is my favorite month – not because it’s my birthday, or because I have multiple kids with birthdays this month (we can guess what Derek likes to do to break mid-winter boredom), but because it’s HOLLA-HALLOWEEN.

Fuck everything else, it’s time to get spoo-kay! At least, it should be. That’s how it USED to be before we were graced with the blessing of parenthood.

“Aw, but Halloween is so much better when you have kids!”

Shut up, Susan, you don’t know my life.

I wanted to share with you my realistic Halloween timeline:

August 1 – Hallowait

When you start getting super excited for Halloween.

August 25 – Hallowhat

When you decide on your costume for this year.

September 15 – Hallowon’t

When you decide you’re not gonna be home to pass out candy because EPIC PARTIES and you’re not missing out this year.

September 20 – Hallowoot

Stores are stocking up for Halloween. You start buying decorations but vow to hold off on candy to avoid eating it all.

September 21 – Hallowillpowergone

You bought it all anyway.

September 27 – Hallowhen

You’re questioning if it’s too early to buy all those decorations but screw judgy neighbors and to hell with cheap spiderwebs. The kids can go to community college.

October 10 – HalloWTF

Christmas decorations show up in stores and your inner monster rages and you passive-aggressively snub anyone who celebrates it by not commenting or clicking like on their Christmas posts because those people are MONSTERS… but not the cool Halloween kind. They’re the snowy, fire-place snuggly, brightly lit lovey kind who have no place in your darkness.

October 17 – Hallowhatever

Your costume was too ambitious. You pick through the leftovers at the Spirit Halloween now occupying the decaying shell of your childhood Toys R Us but all you find is a lot of body paint.

October 27 – Hallowherethehell

Furiously searching online to find all the best places to trick or treat with your kids including raiding all the local trunk or treat events to help your kids amass the best haul on the big day.

October 31 – Halloween

YAY…. wait, why the fuck is it raining? Why is it SNOWING?! It wasn’t this cold when you were a kid. Everyone put on your winter gear and cover up 90% of the costumes you spent too much time/money on.

November – Hallowhocares

Decorations are still up, you’re begrudgingly picking through the last scraps of the candy no one wants. Fuck your elf on the shelf, Susan. No one cares.

December through August – Hallowait