Two days ago, Liam was ready to give up on love forever. Perhaps it would have been the wise thing to do. He was not necessarily known to be a very wise vampire.

After an hour of standing outside and talking himself into it, Liam walked into the unassuming building. He regretted it immediately. 

The quiet grayness of the facade disappeared, replaced by walls covered in blood-red, damask wallpaper which reflected the flickering lights of quite a few crystal chandeliers. Sure, he was a vamp. His species was meant to be all gothic and darkly romantic, but he never once wore velvet. Liam was proud of that fact. 

The music was surprisingly good. No sign of that drab elevator music – chill out they called it these days, even though it did nothing but aggravate him. Instead, the great Billie crooned about What a Little Moonlight Can Do. 

The vast lobby was occupied by dark leather couches scattered around a massive, sleek coffee table, a reception area – black marble top to bottom, currently unattended – and a giant, red-skinned, black-horned…demon he supposed, who paced the tiled floor, stopping to whistle and tap his foot in time with the tune. The whole thing looked like a scene from Twin Peaks. 

Liam shook his head and walked toward the human who was now back at her post.

“Hey, I’m Liam.”

“Good evening. Welcome to Moonlit Lovers.”

“Hi, I… um, I’m after a date?”

“Ok, take a seat over there and someone will be right with you.”

“Will it be long?”

“Well, let me see…” the woman raised her fingers and began enumerating, “…we need to create your profile. Then we need to find you some matches…” This was followed by a little wiggle of her eyebrows and a fake grin. “… maybe schedule you for a mixer or two…”

“So,” Liam thought it best to interrupt, “will I be meeting someone tonight?”

“Tonight?” The human blinked and tilted her head. “You’re a vamp, right?”

Liam nodded.

“What’s the rush?” The birdlike receptionist smiled, or rather, she tried to. “Sit back … relax… One of our paranormal advisers will be out in a moment to talk to you about options and all that…” Her sentence trailed off in the whiteness of her frozen smile.

He walked away, not wanting the woman to hurt herself and took a seat on the leather couch. He picked up a Rolling Stone issue that was on the glass coffee table. A shadow fell over him, making Liam look up. The tallest, reddest, horniest and ugliest thing he’d ever seen was looking down at him. Small blue eyes, when they made contact with his, twinkled cheerfully, and the thing’s face split into a scary, sharp-toothed grimace. 

“And what on Earth are you, my man?” Liam asked.

“A seventh-ring demon.” 

“Whoa.” Liam had no idea where or what a seventh ring was, but contrary to its owner’s face, the demon’s voice was warm and friendly. 

He took a seat next to Liam, towering over him even as he sat down. Liam looked him up and down. His broad, muscled chest barely fit into the white T-shirt he wore, and those had to be XXXX jeans, even though they fit snugly on him. Liam wondered if the Air Jordan’s were some kind of trick to hide the hooves.

“No hooves.”

“Sorry, dude,” he said, feeling embarrassed. He had been staring. “You’re the first demon I’ve ever seen.”

“I’m Diabolo.” The demon extended a bright red hand carefully pointing his long black fingernails away from Liam. Good thing too, because they looked razor sharp.

“Your parents weren’t very original, Diabolo,” Liam said taking his hand.

“My parents think they’re funny. But I always tell them. . .” Diabolo paused, taking on the air of a stand-up comedian, “you used to eat children back in the 80s -funny is off the table.”

“I… see?”

“I came as a surprise. On top of that, I turned out to be red. You know?”

“No, I -”

“People were disappointed in me. And now, I’m letting my father down. My mother practically disowned me.”

“That’s harsh!”

“I’m my family’s ‘red sheep.'” 

“I think you mean black sheep.”

“Nah, red, like my great-grandaunt.” 

“So, not all of your people are red?”

“Most are brownish and furry. I stand out like a neon sign. Plus, I’m short.”

“Short?” Liam repeated, looking up at Diabolo, trying to keep up with the info dump.

“Yeah, tiny.”

“Dude, you’re pretty huge.”

“True. That’s true. My height’s always been an issue, you know? Too short down at the rings, way too tall up here…”

“Must be tough.”

The demon nodded, the dangerously pointy ends of his horns coming too close for comfort – in Liam’s opinion – to his face.

“I’m Liam, by the way.”

A rapid succession of clicking steps announced a fast-paced approach. The receptionist winked at Diabolo, and he grinned frighteningly back at her. A stack of papers was offered to Liam, who took them, fearing what he knew was coming. 

“This is your profile questionnaire; be honest now, and don’t forget to include your dating history,” she chirped and then clicked away, clearly eager to be back behind her fortress of marble.

Liam leafed through the papers and groaned. “I don’t get how this will help them find me a date.”

“Never mind how, you still have to fill them in.”

“I doubt they do anything with this.”

“Yeah, I suppose, but it helps them screen for psychos and stuff like that.” Diabolo explained.

“Huh? Dating history helps them screen for psychos?”

“I bet yours is colorful.”

“I might be screened as a psycho.”

“You? But you’re so nice, man.” Diabolo said, shaking his head in disbelief. Liam slid slightly back on the couch, to a safer distance.

“It’s why I’m here,” Liam answered.

“Having bad luck with women doesn’t make you a psycho.”

“It’s more like they have bad luck with me.”

Diabolo chuckled, muttering ‘typical drama-vamp’ under his breath. “Because you’re a psycho, is that it?”

“No, because my dates usually end up…hospitalized.”

“You don’t seem very violent to me.”

“I’m not; it’s just that it’s difficult to date your food.”

“Wow, man, that just spun my head around.” Diabolo didn’t look spun around; his jet-black eyebrows pointed down like angry daggers, and his features gripped in pointy angles. 

Liam decided that it was, most likely, Diabolo’s commiserating face.”It’s pretty tough, man.”

Diabolo sighed, resting his strong chin in a vicious-looking, clawed hand. 

“I mean, a chicken, no matter how smart or funny, is still a chicken.”

“I’m more of a steak guy myself, but I think I get you.”

Liam grinned.

“Still… a good-looking vamp like you…”

“Let me ask you something.” 

Diabolo immediately perked up. “Hit me!”

“You’ve seen Twilight?”

Diabolo scrunched up his pointy face and looked at his shoes. “Uh-huh.”

“Binge-watched True Blood?”

“Oh, yeah, done that!”

“Read Anne Rice?”

“Hell, yeah!”

“Yeah, it’s nothing like that, man,” Liam had the demon’s undivided attention. “From personal experience, chicks do not dig it when you tell them they’re your food source.” 

“The weres got one over on you there. They don’t eat their humans!”

“Totally. I also heard they rock in bed.” Damned werewolves.

“What? See, now, that… that is not cool, man. Unfair advantage.”

Liam nodded. “Makes it tough to be myself on dates, you know?”

“I hear you. These days women have pretty high standards when it comes to picking guys.”

Liam sighed. “My love life sucks.”

Diabolo laughed, a grating, eardrum-cracking sound. “And not in a good way,” he added, chuckling.

“So here I am, at this Moonlit Lovers place, after a decade or two of not dating.”

Diabolo stopped smiling and stared at him, wide-eyed. “A decade or two?”

Liam nodded. 

“We better start, then!“

“Do I have to fill all of this out?” Liam couldn’t keep the whine out of his voice.

Diabolo nodded. “They’re finicky about these things. Those are the rules.”

“Man, these guys are worse than the CIA.”

“It’s just a bit of background info, come on.”

“I don’t like talking about my exes.”

Diabolo sighed melodramatically. “Who does?”

“That bad?”

Diabolo nodded. “My first girlfriend ate babies. I just couldn’t stay with her, you know?”

“Hey man, I get it. Too different.”

“That’s right. I tried to explain.”

“Oh, that doesn’t work. I compared them to caviar, champagne, chocolate truffles, anything…”

“That’s sweet, that’s sweet. And not vulgar–not like saying, ‘I like your boobs,’ you know?”

“They didn’t like it.”

“I… see. Now, I get that too, though. . . you get that?”

“Sure do, but I can’t help being a vamp.”

“I hear you.”

“So, what happened after you broke up with her? Is your love life as pathetic as mine?” Liam asked his new friend.

“To be fair, one needs to have a love life, before one can qualify it as pathetic.”

“Ouch.”

“You can say that again. Women, fairies, even vamps… tend to find me scary.”

“Well…”

“I get it. My kind? Pretty scary.”

“No idea what your kind is like, but I’ll take you at face value, dude.”

“Really wish you wouldn’t.” Diabolo grinned like a kid, from pointy ear to pointy ear. At least Liam hoped it was a grin. 

“Can’t be easy going out, looking like you.”

“I don’t go out much. It’s sad.”

“So, no luck with the ladies?”

“Me? I fall in love constantly…”

“Really?”

“Oh, yeah, I am especially partial to trollettes.”

“Trollettes, is it?”

“Terrible women trollettes. Really bloodthirsty, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, right; but no, they’re nothing like you. I mean, these ladies, they like hacking into flesh, tearing arteries out and sipping blood through them. That sort of thing.”

“Freaky, dude.”

“Yeah, and also, I kind of feel like it can get me into trouble, you know? Attract the wrong kind of attention.”

“Sure.”

“But, they’re hot. It’s bad–but it’s sooooo good, you know?”

“I do. My problem is I like humans, not vamps…” Liam sighed and ran fingers through his hair. 

Diabolo admired the gesture and tried to replicate it on himself. Liam chuckled. It looked ridiculous. 

“I always wanted to have hair.” 

“Tough break.”

“I kinda do. When I have my human suit on, that is. I guess it could be worse.”

Liam wasn’t sure he wanted to know what a human suit was.

“Man, we only have your dating history left to fill out. Then you’re good to go.”

“Fine.”

“Says here, tell us about your last two dates.”

“Last two dates, let me see. My last date? Catastrophic.”

“Let’s keep that for later then. Here, I’ll write; your handwriting is atrocious.” Diabolo grabbed the clipped paper from Liam’s hands and stared at him, ready to go, pen in hand. He looked like he was deciding how to kill him. Contextually, Liam guessed, it was Diabolo looking curious.

“So, back in the nineties, I was a newly single vamp–”

“…newly single vamp…” Diabolo stuck the tip of his tongue out as he scribbled in the most perfect calligraphy Liam had ever seen.

“I had just broken up a long-term relationship with another vamp. It was intense, and it didn’t end very well.” 

“…didn’t end well… what happened?”

“Never mind. Long story. Anyway, I moved back to the States. I initially thought I’d come back to San Francisco, but Seattle had a more interesting scene, musically speaking.”

“… interesting music scene…”

“Dude, you have to stop doing that.”

“What?”

“Repeating what I just said.”

“Oh. Sure, sorry. Hmm… you know…” Diabolo cocked his head peering at the sentences he just wrote down, “…we might need to be a bit more succinct.”

“There’s a point to all of this.”

“Right. I’ll keep it short.”

“You know how it goes, right? You see a girl, you like the girl, you ask her out. Well, for me it’s more like reading a menu.”

“Man that’s harsh,” Diabolo said as he plopped the pen on the clipboard.

“I’m telling it like it is.”

“Ok. Go on.”

“Decisions, decisions, right? Am I in the mood for lobster bisque? Or steak chimichurri? Perhaps some oysters and a cool glass of Veuve Clicquot?”

“Very romantic.”

“Betty was more of a fish and chips girl, but I was hung over from a wild night with my band.”

“You were in a band?”

“Of course I was in a band. First thing I did when I came back to the States in the 90s.”

“Ugh! Nineties music.”

“Exactly. The scene was in dire need of some help–“ 

“Man, you really need to get to the dating bit.”

“Fine!”

Diabolo looked up from the notes and turned the clipboard around for Liam to see. They were half-way through the space allocated to the dating history.

“Right, ok, I was in a band, she was a new singer we’d just hired. Grungy, dirty looking hair, black smudged makeup, dark lipstick, torn stockings, and a long sweater–I fell for her, hard. Betty was crazy about music, loved our band and was an awesome singer. We flirted for a while. Then, after a great gig one night, I suggested we go back to my place. . .”

“You know,” said Diabolo, “I’m not sure this qualifies as a date.”

“Well, it’s as close as we’re going to get to one, so scribble on and stop interrupting!”

“Alright!” Diabolo thundered back at him petulantly. Who did he remind him of? Liam was sure there was someone…

“Anyway, she was sexy. Things naturally went down that path–”

“You sure don’t waste any time getting to know the girl first…”

“Well, we kind of got to– argh, let me tell it, damn it!”

“Alright!” This time it came with a foot stomp. Liam shook his head, chuckling.

“How to describe what came next… let’s see… you know that feeling when, after a big night, you walk down the street and all the brightly lit kebab shops and the smells from the pizza shops, and the psychedelically colored Chinese fast food joints… they just call out to you, just keep insisting that you stop and have a bite?”

Diabolo scribbled away, tongue sticking out to the left, then to the right as he tried to keep up.

“That’s what she was like. I stood no chance.”

“No chance?”

“Nah, the little devils flickered out, and I was latching onto the artery on her neck before I knew what hit me.”

“The little devils?” 

Liam flicked his fangs out. 

Diabolo’s eyes widened, and he scribbled on for a while more before looking up. “So, you ate her?”

Liam nodded. “Well sort of… luckily, I came to my senses when her heart started really struggling. I freaked out.”

“Man, I would too. Was she as pale as a sheet?”

“Well, it was the nineties.”

Diabolo nodded rolling his eyes. “Of course she was pale.” He waved Liam to go on.

“Anyway, I didn’t kill her, but I came close.”

“What happened?”

“I mesmerized her into forgetting she’d been with me and then I called an ambulance.”

“Then what?”

“Then nothing, that was the end of me hanging out with human kids in the nineties. The band kind of broke up after that.”

“Well… you did eat the singer.”

“Nibbled! I never ate a whole human.”

“Right, so, date ended badly is what I’ll conclude with.” Diabolo flicked his tongue in and out of his mouth as he noted down his thoughts. “No need to feel down. That was just one date.”

“Yeah, after that, they all more or less ended up along those lines.”

“You really can’t keep your devils tucked? Seriously?”

“It’s a problem, I admit.”

“‘Cause, you know, it seems to me, like, that can be kind of dangerous.”

“Sure. Take the Garry’s Gut fiasco.”

“That was you?”

Liam nodded.

Diabolo whistled, possibly looking impressed, although, who could tell? “Well, I just met a celebrity, and I didn’t even know it.”

“I didn’t realize I was a celebrity.”

“Man, Garry’s pissed with you.”

“I know.”

Diabolo scribbled Gary’s Gut fiasco in the bit of blank space still left on the page.

“Hmmm. Maybe you should consider trying it out with a vamp again?”

“Been there, done that.”

“No desire to repeat?”

Liam shook his head. “Look, I have a problem, I won’t deny it–but the truth is, I dig human chicks. That’s what does it for me.”

“I don’t think they like being called chicks anymore.” Diabolo’s evil-looking brows knotted disapprovingly on his forehead. “But I get you. It’s not like my love life is any better…”

“Not as bad as mine, I bet.”

“My longest relationship was with a sorceress who used to be a warlock.” 

“Wow, did you find that out after you started dating?”

“No! I knew her when she was a him. Always liked him. Crazy about her.”

“Ah. So?”

“She realized she wasn’t into demons.”

“Oh.”

“Especially male demons. Turns out, she was straight as a man but gay as a woman.”

“Sorry man, that’s tough.”

“Yeah. Took me a long time to get over it.”

“And now?”

“I’m trying to date nicer paranormals. I’ve gone for warlocks, witches, gargoylesses, trollettes, and even, when I was super young, a demoness or two. Like my dear baby eater. Lovely ladies, all.”

“Right,” Liam couldn’t quite picture a lovely gargoyle.”So, what was the problem?”

“Problem? Horrible personalities.”

“So, you’re into nicer paranormals? Give me some examples…”

“Well, zombies are out, although, if they could stop being so self-obsessed for a split second, I’m sure they’d find demons could handle them.” He winked at Liam.

“Oh, they don’t like demon brain?”

Diabolo shivered. “Ok, maybe no zombies. A friendly werewolf, perhaps a vamp?”

“Those are nice paranormals?”

Diabolo sighed, twirling his thumbs. “There are always the fairies, but… now, don’t think badly of me… but they’re just ugly, man.”

Liam grinned. Ugly fairies. Friendly werewolves. He had a feeling that going to a paramixer with Diabolo was going to be fun.

“What happened at Garry’s, exactly?”

“Strangely enough, that’s what led me to Moonlit Lovers.”

“Being kicked out?” Diabolo said around the pen he was now chewing on.

Liam smiled. “Yeah, out on the street, feeling pretty bad about the girl, I was stopped by a vamp.”

“Was it a groupie’s pimp?”

“No! San Fran is full of them though. No, this guy was nice enough.”

“What did he do?”

“He flicked out a card saying it helped him.”

“A Moonlit Lovers card!”

Liam nodded. 

Diabolo scribbled the last bit on the margins of the page, murmuring to himself. “Oh, that ties in nicely, yes… yes…”

“So, now this is done, what else do I need to know?”

Diabolo scratched his protruding chin, leaving a few lines of the pen along his cheek. “Let’s see… man, as long as you know about fairy dust, you’re good to go.”

“I know nothing about fairy dust.”

Diabolo shook his head. “Then we better grab a beer first, you know, talk it all out–’cause you’re a newbie.”

Liam grinned. “It’s not like I was born yesterday.”

“Not related to age. You’re a newbie at this sort of dating. It can be dangerous, you know.”

“Really?” If Diabolo was anything to go by, Liam doubted that was true.

“How old are you, anyway?”

“I’m near my nineties.”

Diabolo rolled his eyes, mouthing newbie.

“How old are you?”

“I don’t remember.”

Liam was impressed. “That’s pretty old, man.”

“For you, maybe, but I’m the baby back home. Not that I go there much.”

“No fun?”

“Have you ever been to the seventh ring?”

“Ahm, no I can’t say I have.”

“Good. Don’t ever step a foot down there. Now let’s get you in the paramixer tonight.”

“The whata-mixer?”

“Para! As in paranormal.” Diabolo rolled his eyes.

“Just like that?”

“Yeah – I’m sure they’ll make you sign some sort of clause.”

“Clause?”

“The standard, ‘won’t eat any humans, won’t kill the werewolves, will stay away from certain fairies,’ you know how these things go.”

Liam was starting to get an idea. 

“The real problem is,” Diabolo whispered conspiratorially, “they’re almost always over-vamped.”

“So, I’ll have to wait.”

“Not if we sneak your profile in.”

“Suzie doesn’t seem to be the kind of person to let us sneak anything in.”

“But, you’re a vampire.”

“I know that.”

“You can do stuff.”

“Like?”

“A bit of schmoozing, a bit super speeding…”

“You mean mesmerize Suzie. That sounds wrong.”

“The love of your life could be there tonight.”

“Ambitious. Still…”

“OK! Old fashioned stuff then. We’ll convince Suzie, but if that doesn’t work – I’ll distract her, and you sneak your papers in that pile.”

“How is that different?”

“It’s completely different. You won’t be using your unfair vamp-vantage.”

Liam grinned.

When they reached the reception, he cleared his throat, trying to get the busy receptionist to take notice of him. 

“Suzie.” Diabolo chimed frighteningly. 

“Yes, hottiepie?”

“We’re done!”

“Good, good, leave it all there for me.”

“Is that it?” Liam interrupted, annoyed to be ignored again.

“We’ll call you when we get a spot, and you can finish signing the rest of the papers then.”

“Why don’t we finish all the paperwork now?” Diabolo asked, grinning his point teeth at the secretary. She looked up and chuckled.

“Sure, honey. Let me just go and the forms he’s missing.”

Liam shuddered under what he hoped was an encouraging, friendly look which on the demon looked like he was just about a second away from tearing through him with one of his massive, sharp horns. He could hear Suzie already closing the file cabinet. 

Liam rushed behind the counter and looked over the whole desk before spotting the pile of dating profiles, that was right in front of him.

Diabolo drummed his claws on the black marble.

He lifted a few profiles from the top of the pile and slid his in.

Diabolo shuffled from foot to foot.

Suzie’s steps walked back toward them.

Liam rushed back to Diabolo’s side.

When the elegant receptions arrived back at her desk, Liam grinned feeling proud of his calm demeanor, but Diabolo ruined everything but ‘casually’ whistling a silly tune. Suzi narrowed her eyes at them, then produced a page full of tiny print on the counter and clicked her pen at the bottom. 

“Now, sign here.”

“I already signed your clause.” Liam complained.

“This one’s for the insurance company.“

“Insurance?”

“Vamp-related accidents can be pretty pricey.”

Liam added a final, reluctant scribble.

“Suzie….” Diabolo started, raising his voice mysteriously.

“Yes, sweetie?”

Liam frowned at the rather unfriendly receptions melting under Diabolo’s icy blue stare.

“So, Liam here has had some bad luck.”

“Haven’t we all, sweetie?”

“Yes, but he’s had horrible luck.”

“Sugar, we are so over vamped we might as well call it a vamp-a-mixer.”

“He’s hardly a vamp. I mean, he’s open to other paras, you won’t even notice him there.”

“If I do it for you, I have to do it for everyone.”

“Does everyone bring you spicy caramels? Besides, look at him, he’s cute.”

“He’s beautiful, like all vampires.”

Diabolo sighed, then wiggled his dark eyebrows at Liam. Suzie was just about today something, probably warn him from doing anything paranormal to her, when Liam, seeing it would be impossible to distract the demon from his mission, decided to intervene.

“Suzie.” He used a gentle suggestive tone. “I think you’ve forgotten we’ve already done this before.”

“We have?” Suzie didn’t look convinced.

“Look at that pile, I’m sure you’ll find my profile there. That’s why I’m here, I wanted to double check it’s at nine?”

“Nine? Certainly not.” Suzie looked through the paper, then, a big beautiful smile spread over her face. “Oh, sweetie, look! Your friend’s been in the pile all along.” She batted dark lashes at Diabolo.

“Told you.”

“And, vampire,” She faced Liam, her tone changing completely, “it’s at midnight. Why would we have a mixer for paranormals before most even had a chance to have breakfast?”

“How silly of me. Thanks, Suzie.”

Suzie nodded, then went back to a busily typing away. She grinned when Diabolo landed a loud smooch on her cheek. 

Liam and Diabolo were finally off. When they got to the front door, Diabolo paused, looking at Liam with drama painted all over his face. 

“Don’t freak out, ok?”

Liam nodded. 

They walked out. 

Diabolo turned into a human. 

Liam freaked out–but only a little.

“It’s my human suit, for outside, you know.” They walked down the empty alley. “It’s the height,” Diabolo – now looking like a hipster, of all things – went on to explain. “If I had only been as short as my cousin Zab (he’s even shorter than me, poor guy), I could have passed my usual looks off as a costume, you know? San Fran.”

Liam snickered.

“Hey, I’ll catch you later then? Promised my neighbor I’d feed her cat.”

The thought of Diabolo feeding a cat was more than Liam’s mind could handle at this stage of the afternoon. “Sure, where?”

“At The Dripping Fang? Let’s make sure you don’t get to the mixer hungry.”

Liam nodded and then whooshed. Best verb ever to describe moving at vamp speed.