Dear Mr. Tarantino,

[image error]Please stop sending us concept art.

Unfortunately we at the Jim Henson Company are unable to authorise production of your project. I had hoped my previous messages on this subject would be a sufficient end to the matter, but your repeated re-submission of the script and associated material suggests a more detailed explanation on my part is required.

To begin with, the working title, Jive Muppetfuckers, immediately indicates your lack of understanding of the tone and target audience of the Muppet franchise.

Kermit the frog is a beloved, family-friendly character that has been an American TV and film institution for more than sixty years. It would be wholly inappropriate, therefore, for the company to permit him to be portrayed on screen using intravenous drugs and slicing off the genitals of a police informant while sprouting constant profanities and racial epithets. Further, it is not, in the view of the Jim Henson company, clever or subversive for a frog to refer to itself as a “swamp-n***er” – it is merely offensive.

[image error]Depictions like this go against our core values.

Your highly-detailed stage-description of Miss Piggy focuses heavily on her “twelve ample teats barely-restrained by six bikini tops” and seems to indicate a rather perverse sexualisation of the character that I find both personally distasteful and professionally ill-conceived. In addition, while Miss Piggy has always been presented as a volatile Diva, it stretches credulity that you would consider it reasonable for her to murder and partially consume several characters from the unconnected children’s program Sesame Street while stating: “I’m a pig. Pigs eat shit.” Putting aside the legal impracticality of having venerable children’s characters owned by a separate media company brutally slain in a lengthy, orgiastic act of hyper-violence, your note in the margin does little to justify the scene. No, I do not, in fact, agree that Miss Piggy devouring Cookie Monster’s intestines is an intertextual metaphor for tribalism. I think it’s just horrible.

Need I go on? There isn’t a single scene in your over-long, meandering and often nonsensical script that does not contain material wholly unsuitable to the Muppet brand and to the legacy of the Jim Henson Company. From the graphic rape of Fozzy Bear by deranged drug kingpin Gonzo to the rabid Rowlf the Dog foaming at the mouth and tearing Scooter’s face off, this script is a monument to depravity and excess. Statler and Waldorf are not Nazi war criminals who escaped the Nuremberg trials, Doctor Teeth is not a practitioner of Voodoo, and Kermit the Frog would never utter the line “Let’s fuck and make us some messed-up pig-frog babies.”

Mr. Tarantino, I implore you to consider this matter closed.

Sincerely, Brian Henson.

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