Excerpts from my unproduced screenplay, which was repeatedly rejected by the short-sighted robots at 20th Century Fox.

ALIENS versus MARY POPPINS

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ACT 1

SCENE 1

FADE IN:

INT: USCSS CHERRY TREE, COMMERCIAL RESEARCH VESSEL, DEEP SPACE

A row of cryogenic pods stands silently in a room being monitored by automated systems. As we pan across the transparent faceplates of the pods, we come to rest on one containing a woman wearing a sensible hat and stern countenance. This is MARY POPPINS. Her eyes snap open as the cryogenic pod emits a beep and hissing sound.

COMPUTER:

Warning. Unscheduled termination of stasis. Warning. Warning.

MARY POPPINS:

(Raps the inside of the cryo-pod with her parrot umbrella handle, causing it to spring open.)

COMPUTER:

Warning. Unscheduled…

MARY POPPINS:

That will be quite enough of that, thank you!

** ** **

ACT 1

SCENE 19

EXT: ALIEN PLANET

A desolate landscape of sharp, windswept rocky outcrops beneath a grey sky. MARY POPPINS and the rest of the crew have gathered outside the dropship and are looking toward a low collection of structures in the distance.

CORPORAL HICKS

Man, what a shit-hole.

MARY POPPINS

Language, Dwayne. Though we may be on an uncivilised world, there’s no reason for us to behave in an uncivilised manner.

HICKS

(Looks at MASTER SERGEANT APONE) Is she for real?

APONE

Real as they come, marine, and practically perfect in every way. All you grunts better take heed and watch your fucking mouths.

MARY POPPINS

(Horrified) Now Albert, really!

MARY POPPINS reaches into her carpet-bag and produces an M41A Pulse Rifle, significantly larger than the bag itself. The MARINES watch this and exchange glances.

MARY POPPINS

Come along, soldiers. Spit spot!

She struts off toward the buildings, wielding her rifle and umbrella. The bemused MARINES follow behind.

** ** **

ACT 2

SCENE 21

INT: FUSION REACTOR CHAMBER

Organic constructions have been interwoven with the machinery and conduits of the power plant. Numerous face-hugger eggs litter the mist-shrouded floor. MARY POPPINS enters the room from above, drifting slowly down on her umbrella.

MARY POPPINS

Oh dear, what a frightful mess!

A number of Alien XENOMORPHS begin stirring, detaching themselves from walls where they had moments before seemed like part of the bio-mechanical structures. They begin surrounding MARY POPPINS.

MARY POPPINS

(Unimpressed) I must say, you’re a sight – the lot of you.

A XENOMORPH draws closer, hissing, and extends its secondary mouthparts toward MARY POPPINS. She whacks the secondary mouth with her parrot umbrella handle and it withdraws, the XENOMORPH recoiling with a high-pitched yelp.

MARY POPPINS

(Singing)

An intelligent creature

would not be so tactless.

Never burst from chests

or lurk in nests

and prey on the hapless…

(Raises her flamethrower)

…Just… a

spoonful of napalm…

** ** **

ACT 3

SCENE 18

INT: USCSS CHERRY TREE, COMMERCIAL RESEARCH VESSEL, IN ORBIT.

The ALIEN QUEEN bursts through the cargo hatch roaring. MICHAEL and JANE BANKS cower before the creature as it advances.

MARY POPPINS

That will be quite enough. Honestly – gallivanting around like that in a spaceship! Now get away from them, you bitch. Spit spot!

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