Monty Python and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
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Surviving excerpts from the lost draft screenplay that eventuated after George Lucas initially approached Monty Python (Chapman, Cleese, Gilliam, Idle, Jones & Palin) with his Indiana Jones story.
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NAZI MECHANIC
‘Tis but a scratch.
INDIANA JONES
A scratch? You were hit by a propeller blade. It’s torn open your chest and almost severed your head.
NAZI MECHANIC
No it hasn’t.
INDIANA JONES
Well what’s that then?
NAZI MECHANIC
…I’ve had worse.
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INDIANA JONES
I’m looking for the Ark.
SALLAH
The park? There’s a lovely one just down the street. Got a fountain and everything.
INDIANA JONES
No, the Ark. The Ark.
SALLAH
Ohhh!
INDIANA JONES
Yes.
SALLAH
That bloody big boat what Noah put all the animals in? Won’t find anything like that ‘round here mate. You sure you wouldn’t like to see the park?
INDIANA JONES
Yes!
SALLAH
Come on then, I’ll take you…
INDIANA JONES
I mean no! I don’t want to see the bloody park! Look you stupid bastard I’m looking for the Ark of the Covenant, alright? It’s a box. A golden box with stone tablets inside.
SALLAH
A golden box?
INDIANA JONES
Yes! A box 21⁄2 cubits in length, 11⁄2 in breadth, and 11⁄2 in height.
SALLAH
…What’s a cubit, then?
INDIANA JONES
I’ll…! (visibly resists the urge to punch SALLAH) It’s about eighteen inches.
SALLAH
(Shakes head) No.
INDIANA JONES
What do you mean “no”?
SALLAH
Too small, Indy. Wouldn’t be able to get two of every animal in that.
INDIANA JONES
It’s not the damned boat! It’s a box, like a chest!
SALLAH
You mean to tell me a small box and a giant ocean-going ship are both referred to as an “Ark”? Where’s the linguistic sense in that? You don’t put your clean towels away in a yacht, do you?[image error]
INDIANA JONES
It doesn’t matter…
SALLAH
When you go on a picnic, you don’t pack some sandwiches in a frigate. You wouldn’t attend a business meeting carrying important papers in a ferry…
INDIANA JONES
Stop it…
SALLAH
Hold on, I’m waiting for an important letter, I’ll just check the mail-sloop.
INDIANA JONES
Shut up!
SALLAH
…Anyhow, the Nazis found your golden box.
INDIANA JONES
What?!
SALLAH
It’s alright – I know where they’ve taken it. If you hurry, you can get to the port and sneak aboard.
INDIANA JONES
Aboard what?
SALLAH
Their ocean box.
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BELLOQ
Do you realize what the Ark is? It’s a transmitter, a radio for speaking to God.
CUT TO: Collage cartoon GOD reading a newspaper in heaven with a walkie-talkie on a sideboard that begins crackling with static. He looks over his newspaper but chooses to ignore it.
GOD
I’m not getting that.
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