I've been a praying woman for a long time. As long as I have wrestled in my praying with myself, and probably with God, too, though it is more likely God just stands back and waits until I exhaust myself and quit flailing on the ground.

One of the stories in Scripture is about Jacob wrestling and angel, or, I don't know, maybe it was God. The Bible isn't very clear about who this stranger is which Jacob wrestles until nearly daybreak just before he is to meet his brother who had years before threatened to kill him. Now, Jacob has a lot more to lose than his own life. He now has four wives and a bunch of children. What to do when he has news that his brother whom he had wronged and who had sworn revenge is now coming to meet him?

I wonder if this wrestling might have been Jacob wrestling with his own inner demons? Because, let's face it, Jacob has been a jerk. He lied to his old blind father. He cheated his brother out of his blessing and his inheritance. He even tried to bargain with God, saying if God would bless him and protect him, THEN he would serve Him. It's a wonder God didn't strike him dead right then. Instead, God just lets Jacob learn from his own experiences how screwed up life can be when left to our own devices. His marital and family life reads like a soap opera, of sorts. And after years of living on his own terms, he comes to understand how very patient and loving God has been all this time.

I've found a prayer that speaks like that to me. It was written by Thomas Merton, and it goes like this:

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though
I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. 

I think it is rather lovely.