My son loves Dinosaurs.

I mean, I know all kids love dinosaurs (especially boys for some reason. Are men genetically predisposed to love prehistoric animals that may or may not have existed?). But until you witness it as a parent, you never quite realize just how freaking much they love em.

Dino-Overload

My son basically needs to be in the vicinity of a dinosaur or something dinosaur-related for at least 70% of his day. That missing 30% isn’t sleep by the way, that’s when he’s eating. This is the part where non-parents be like:
“LOLZ. You don’t spend 30% of the day eating.”
And parents be like:
“Say whuuut. Your kid only spend 30% of the day eating?”
I reckon the average kid spends at least 35% of their day with food in their mouth, hand, hair, beside them on the floor or in their nappy, all of which counts as eating apart from the last one. Nappies get their own 10% of the day.

Dinokid

Anyway, my son always sleeps with a dinosaur. That's a lie actually. He sleeps with like 3 dinosaurs. A bitesize T-Rex that he keeps tucked under his arm — I assume to protect him from sh*t like monsters, aliens and annoying big sisters.
A giant Triceratops. I reckon to keep an eye on the T-Rex because T-Rex’s are d**ks.
And some kinda weird other looking dinosaur that you shove your hand inside and pretend is alive. That one stays at the end of the bed with any sh*t that is a bit too out there for bedtime.

And don’t forget the dinosaur pajamas he sleeps in, just in case he wakes up during the night dinosaur-less and needs to look down at himself before returning to sleep, reassured by nearby dino-activity.

When the morning arrives, the first thing he does is grab his iPad and open up the Pinkfong Dinosaur app. He used to play the free version of this but eventually decided that just the bog standard dinosaurs weren’t enough and he needed more premium grade dinosaurs in his life.
Now, after paying to unlock all the extra dinosaurs, I’m wondering just WTF I spent my money on. I mean, just look at some of these dinosaurs they’re reaching for at the end of the alphabet:

https://medium.com/media/e941b6264f5c013e5fa6cd93dd4d5aaa/href

In fact, my wife and I made sure to do a little research into this supposed Yangchuanosaurus and the natural history museum came up short. They got no freaking clue what a Yangchuanosaurusis is. Or they don’t give enough of a sh*t to list it on their website at least.

We had to consult a deeper well of knowledge (Google obvs) to find out that this bad boy is, in fact, a Chinese dinosaur. So you know what, I guess that was money well spent in the end. I dunno about my son, but I know a sh*tload more about Chinese dinosaurs than I did yesterday.

“Until people learn WTF your names are, you answer to me.”

Once the iPad battery runs out (which largely involves me turning it off when he’s distracted), we switch to playing with actual toy dinosaurs. These guys are made of plastic and have all kinds of sharp teeth and claws, so they hurt like hell whenever he does that ‘Rargh’ sh*t and drags it across your eyes. And it’s always the eyes. Dinosaurs never attack your leg or your arm. Only your eyes. Remember that in case you ever find yourself in some sort of miniature Jurassic Park-type situation.

We even got people to buy him some more relevant toys for Xmas, like all the Paw Patrol pups and their vehicles. (Except Zuma. He’s sh*t. And nobody needs rescuing underwater). And he loved them. For like a day. Then I can only imagine that he thought something along the lines of, “This is great. But you know what these dogs aren’t — Dinosaurs.”

I feel like this is borderline sociopathic

So gradually, he started replacing the pups with dinosaurs. So now we got a bunch of rescue vehicles being driven by dinosaurs. Which looks ridiculous. And also makes no sense, because cars weren’t invented around the time that dinosaurs walked the earth. (What do you mean Paw Patrol makes no sense to begin with?)

To be fair, I’m not completely ungrateful for the whole dinosaur thing. After all, it makes shopping with him almost embarrassingly simple. No need to go poking around at all that LEGO Ninjago garbage. And we can steer well clear of expensive Star Wars and Marvel attire. No, there’s only one section of H&M that’s worthy of his attention:

He’s quicker at shopping than his sister

Obviously, all this Dinosaur activity might be overstimulating for casual dinosaur fans like you and I. We might like to relax in a hot bath and let our thoughts wander elsewhere. My son, on the other hand, takes the opportunity to maximize dinosaur output by sticking them on the bath, outside the bath and occasionally in his mouth as he mimics actually dinosaur life.

Do Dinosaurs swim?

Anyway, I prefer dinosaurs to move in and out of my life fleetingly. So I’m looking forward to a time when he’s into Pokemon or Power Rangers or basically anything that can be enjoyed in moderation.

Until then, dinosaurs it is. I just wish he didn’t always get to be the T-Rex while I get stuck with Pachycephalosaurus.