I am sharing this for you.I cannot fool myselfany longer. What's the point of living like this: strangling on your own food, missing a step on the pavement, in the shower stall, being anemic, with emotions just ready to pounce like a bullet towards the heart. This me is so unlike the one before, who I want to/used to be. Well, too bad, self. You need to deal, and move on! You aren't the same, you cannot retreat, so solder on!I need to be less judgmental about myself, and the assumptions I make. I cannot know what'll happen, can't assume that I will be a burden to anyone, anymore than than anyone else can be. I do know some things, like not wanting to end up in a nursing home, but I do not want some untrained person making an attempt just to botch it up. There are some people who don't mind being care-givers, but family members can never substitute for a nurse. I knew I couldn't give my mother the right care that she needed. That wasn't anyone's fault.If/When I get declared symptomatic by a doctor of whatever the issue might be, and it might not be HD. My grandmother also had MS, another untreatable disease with similar symptoms, whatever the problem, I will do what I can to alleviate the symptoms. Its just like being possessed by some malicious entity that wants its due of your life, to seize complete control.A reason those with Huntington Disease, which I am I tested positive for years ago, don't rise to fame nor have normal lives is likely because such life/living is about first and foremost struggle. Their lives are arduous, abbreviated, enfeebling in every way. Who has time to do anything but get through anything except this day, this meal without any trouble? This effects not just ourselves but everyone we come in contact with. Well, f I am going to die, like this. Half-in, half-out of my body, I want this later stage, my final hurrah to be around people who get it, and won;t hold this raving beast against me. The Jekyll of my Hyde. I have been more fortunate than many, I know and am grateful for whatever time remains.Yes, I have been trying to be okay, but I ain't. That is fine. Something is rotten inside in the state of Rachel so I must 'keep on' and try to inspire others, otherwise, I might do something I might regret...and that cannot happen. I won't let it! I will be like the star of Hamilton, a gay man who is HIV Positive, and keeps performing, showing all the world that the disease doesn't rule him. Christopher Hitchens, a journalist and star atheist, battled cancer like he battled other thinkers, engaged in public debates and appearances right up until his death. Not even oxygen tanks could stop him. That's a boss, friends.I need to go from denial into acceptance because let's facet it, the harsh truth, we all get ill at some point, all fall down into the earth. Thus, I need to share my struggles with the world, whatever they shall be, I will not end with a lust for vengeance, at the beck of my darker side, but rest well, after a lifetime a life filled with acts of tenderness and mercy n my both life and art. I have to. Otherwise, I have failed in every regard. That cannot be tolerated. I won' let let it. Neither should you,I am falling, will you help lift me up friend? Then maybe we'll both rise like birds at a fine sunrise, together not, no, never alone?With Such Luv,~R