a look back into 2018
It’s funny, the year 2018.
In regards to work, 2018 was a significant year. I grew a lot as an interior designer. I started developing my own style, I started to understand well what drafting means (though, I promise you, I still suck), I started to get a grasp of the design process and how an interior designer always works, and I had the firsthand opportunity to be involved in several projects and experience the dramas, the up-and-downs, and the “things you thought was a dead-end but could actually be solved”.
In regards to personal illustration/painting works, I realize that, throughout the year, I tried to follow styles. I tried following different artists and tried their ways of creating, which include: painting/drawing techniques, color palettes, themes… I even tried tidying up my Instagram feed and make it look professional, though I had no idea in mind. I even discussed with a friend if I actually had the talent for it, or was I just another person who took a picture of their so-called ‘art’, uploaded it to Instagram, and called it ‘art’?
I was not sure of myself. I even hated the sketches I made. I like drawing characters from the stories I create, but I lack the determination to draw the backgrounds because, as I said, I was only sketching. It was me being lazy, I guess. Yet then, it was something I wouldn’t dare show in public. I’m friends with really amazing artists, so to try to show my work to the world (Instagram) was embarrassing enough for me.
It took a sharp u-turn in the middle of the year, with me stopping to create illustrations and paintings. I stopped uploading to Instagram and just focused on improving myself as a designer because, as life had taught me before, you can’t have the same things at the same time on the same level for a very long time.
Only towards the end of the year, I was offered the opportunity to create paintings for an apartment show unit. It kind of opened my eyes, my mind, on the works I should create. It should come from the heart. I should continue learning. But I shouldn’t burden myself to always, always show the process in the spotlight. Because if I do so, then I’ll only create art for the gram, which would not express myself. At least, for the moment.
In regards to personal business, I teamed up with my best friend to create a fashion line, but it got stuck in the middle because we were both busy with our own lives. I can’t help thinking if, for me, was I actually busy or was I not making time for other stuff?
Personal stuff tend to get in our way when it comes to trying to establish yourself, trying to establish you own business. It’s up to us to make way for it, or not at all. I only realize this when I stopped creating artworks, because only then I could focus on this business venture and make time for it. As I did so, I realize I was not a multi-tasker anymore. I prefer to focus on a couple of things, two at a time.
In regards to life itself, social media has definitely intoxicated me. I stayed up late to scroll the pictures on my Instagram feed or explore page. I stayed up late to scroll the newest tweets on my Twitter feed. I stalked on some people, famous people, trying to get a sense of how they made it until they were who they are. I ended up with envy and despair, “why can’t I be like that?”.
It’s a kind of poison. It’s not healthy. I’m losing sleep to being in so much despair because I wanted to be someone else, without doing anything that would make me move forward. I would then forget to count my blessings and I would crave more, and more, and more of what the world has to offer. Or, should I say, what the world according to Instagram has to offer.
Yet, 2018 was blessed. Only at the end of it did I realize that the year was a climb, a very slow climb, towards becoming a person with better capabilities in the fields I’m working on. It was a painful climb. The downfall was slow, it was not significant, and yet the climb was slow that it felt I was not climbing at all.
To be in a stagnant position is worse than to experience downfall (and yes, I’ve had my downs). It’s being desperate and depressed. It’s waking up every morning and thinking that you have no purpose in life, no dreams to achieve, no objectives to work on. It’s going to sleep every night, wondering “have I learned something today”, exploring all the “what if”-s that make you regret your past, and also thinking “how can I become this person” but doing nothing.
In short, 2018 was a climb.
(also I’m going to publish my book in 2019, all the editing process had been done in 2018, and after the cover and all is finished, it’s going to the bookstores).
xx