Latin As A Second Language
“Do you understand Latin?” Mr. Horace, the vice-principal, asked.
Standing my ground, I admitted to terra firma. After all, I was in the midst of a second trimester of 7th grade Latin. At twelve years of age I was quite small then.
The spilled marbles incident had tripped me up. I must remember to patch the hole in my pocket. Needle and thread.
“Do you know what innuendo means?” Horace asked. He’d closed the door to his office.
“Vaguely,” I replied. "Insinuating something naughty about a valued classmate?"
"Close enough,” he said, torching up a cigar.
When Ms. Strangle heard the marbles roll, every girl in the class had turned and stared at me.
How about ipso facto?” he asked.
“Never heard of it,” I said. “I may have been down with malaria that day.”
“The enemy of one’s enemy, ipso facto, is a friend,” Mr. Horace recited proudly.
Ms. Strangle accuses you. Ray Cole vouches for you.”
Ray, my only friend in the whole world, had pointed at Lucky Lucy Rabbitz, a known felon,
who sat two desks behind me. She’d done hard time somewhere in Tukwila.
“Are you at all familiar with locus delicti?” Horace asked.
“Of course,” I replied. “The scene of a crime. But in this instance, no crime was committed.”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” he said, blowing cigar smoke in my face.
Mother smoked cigars of course, but I got carsick when she did, so I never took it up myself.
“Do you play marbles during recess?’ he asked, his head enveloped in a thick cloud.
“Interdum,” I said. “When the mood strikes.”
“Did the mood strike you this morning?” he asked.
He moved the cigar’s glowing tip close to my face.
“No. I played tether ball to relieve the stress brought on by studying Latin.”
“Ms. Strangle thinks otherwise,” Horace said.
“She has been misinformed,” I said. “An obvious instance of ad absurdum by a consortium of tattlers.” Adding a footnote, “Let’s face it, some people are not cut out to teach 7th grade.”
Mr. Horace let out a giggle. “I was thinking the same thing,” he said, stubbing out his cigar. “Off with you now, kid. Stay out of trouble, do no harm, go to law school, et cetera.”
Standing my ground, I admitted to terra firma. After all, I was in the midst of a second trimester of 7th grade Latin. At twelve years of age I was quite small then.
The spilled marbles incident had tripped me up. I must remember to patch the hole in my pocket. Needle and thread.
“Do you know what innuendo means?” Horace asked. He’d closed the door to his office.
“Vaguely,” I replied. "Insinuating something naughty about a valued classmate?"
"Close enough,” he said, torching up a cigar.
When Ms. Strangle heard the marbles roll, every girl in the class had turned and stared at me.
How about ipso facto?” he asked.
“Never heard of it,” I said. “I may have been down with malaria that day.”
“The enemy of one’s enemy, ipso facto, is a friend,” Mr. Horace recited proudly.
Ms. Strangle accuses you. Ray Cole vouches for you.”
Ray, my only friend in the whole world, had pointed at Lucky Lucy Rabbitz, a known felon,
who sat two desks behind me. She’d done hard time somewhere in Tukwila.
“Are you at all familiar with locus delicti?” Horace asked.
“Of course,” I replied. “The scene of a crime. But in this instance, no crime was committed.”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” he said, blowing cigar smoke in my face.
Mother smoked cigars of course, but I got carsick when she did, so I never took it up myself.
“Do you play marbles during recess?’ he asked, his head enveloped in a thick cloud.
“Interdum,” I said. “When the mood strikes.”
“Did the mood strike you this morning?” he asked.
He moved the cigar’s glowing tip close to my face.
“No. I played tether ball to relieve the stress brought on by studying Latin.”
“Ms. Strangle thinks otherwise,” Horace said.
“She has been misinformed,” I said. “An obvious instance of ad absurdum by a consortium of tattlers.” Adding a footnote, “Let’s face it, some people are not cut out to teach 7th grade.”
Mr. Horace let out a giggle. “I was thinking the same thing,” he said, stubbing out his cigar. “Off with you now, kid. Stay out of trouble, do no harm, go to law school, et cetera.”
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