I deeply believe God created us with all the unconditional love, confidence, intelligence, intuition, openness, compassion and kindness we need to thrive in life. For some, alignment to a higher purpose stays with them throughout adult life. For others, it’s jilted as a result of life experiences and the connectivity to the soul’s knowing is lost. Fear of judgment, scarcity, inadequacy and feeling not enough take over. We lose sight of who we truly are and embrace a persona that’s misaligned with God’s plan for us.

I experienced the latter.

I have spent the last twenty years relearning my soul’s knowing. Finding my purpose has been a calling that I cherish and hold dear. The lifetime of lessons while not always easy has been a blessing in every way possible.

We all have a calling. We all have a deeper purpose to fulfill in life. We all go through difficult seasons. When and how we connect to our soul’s purpose is dependent on our personal journey of growth and willingness to see things from a different perspective.

For some it’s a natural connectivity and for others, it takes major ass kicking by the Universe to get us back on track. My journey is filled with both.

Regardless of how you pursue your soul’s purpose, staying in a state of ‘awake’ is hard work. It’s a daily choice to be present. It’s a daily practice of discarding counterproductive habits and thoughts. It’s a daily practice of holding up a mirror to your life and shining light on all the dark corners you’d rather ignore. This is a journey without an end because growth and enlightenment have no end. There’s always more to learn and more to understand.

The journey of reawakening started for me about twenty years ago. Now in my mid forties, the life lessons have changed and I have a deeper understanding of things and appreciation for the process of spiritual growth. The AHA moments surpass the WTF moments and for that I’m humbled and grateful.

The series of hard lessons in my twenties were rooted in my self-doubt and lack of self-worth. From career choices to relationships, I held everyone else’s needs and wants at a much higher regard than my own wants and needs. On some level, I didn’t truly believe I deserved the level of happiness or success my colleagues and friends experienced. I believed I needed to struggle in order to achieve what I wanted. In my relationships, I put up with a lot of BS when I should have walked away without looking back. In my career, I never fought for myself even when necessary.

The experience I’m about to share with you is something I’ve never talked about – not because it’s this deep dark secret but because it’s no longer my story.  Since then, I’ve done the work to heal through forgiveness for myself and for others. I’ve internationally left this story in the shadows of the past because I’m at peace with all of it. I’m sharing it with you in hopes it serves you and inspires your own AHA moment in something you’re going through.

In my early twenties, I worked in the entertainment industry in the marketing department of a very known and successful organization. I was young and naïve and I saw the world through rose-colored glasses. Being a natural people pleaser, I bent over backwards to make everyone around me happy, even at my own expense. Childhood insecurities of being left out were always just below the surface and I didn’t want to be the outsider in my adult life. Going through that once as a kid sucked enough.

The Vice President of our department, a married man with young children had a crush on me. He was a likeable guy and he was harmless enough in his flirting and attempts to be around me. My colleagues, majority women in their late twenties and thirties, and I laughed off his behavior and didn’t think much of it. Everyone really liked him, including me. When I wasn’t at my desk, he would ask about my whereabouts and my colleagues thought it was cute he was looking for me. None of us gave too much thought to his inappropriate behavior. Like I said, he was a really likeable guy and his interest was harmless.

With time, his behavior became bold and unapologetic. He was at my cubicle constantly and for no good reason. I started to feel suffocated by his presence especially during work events when he always hovered close by. Still, I said nothing. He was a really nice guy and it’s not like he was doing anything to me. I muted my discomfort and went along with pretending it was OK. I didn’t want to be the stick in the mud that blew the whistle on the guy everyone liked.

A couple of things happened after that. His fixation with me intensified and I couldn’t go out to lunch without him looking for me. And second, during annual performance reviews, everyone in the department got a raise except me. He said something along the lines of, “Engy, you still have things to work on. But hey, you’re great eye candy.” Those were his exact words and they crushed me. He said this in front of my female boss who giggled and didn’t give much thought to the inappropriate comment or how I was receiving it. I felt so humiliated and demoralized.

At this point, I knew my career there wasn’t going anywhere and I also knew I couldn’t say anything. I feared for my job and I feared judgment of being that woman associated with scandal at the office. I felt trapped and I felt at fault. Surely, I did something along the way to encourage him and make him feel I wanted this kind of attention. I never told him to stop and I certainly never voiced concern. Everyone around me saw what was happening and they didn’t think it was inappropriate. I felt really alone and worse, I felt worthless. 

Months dragged on and things got worse with him openly looking for me whenever I wasn’t at my desk. I couldn’t go to the bathroom without him knowing about it. At this point, I couldn’t ignore the alarm bells in my head but instead of speaking up, fear sealed my mouth shut. I didn’t believe anyone with authority would take my side or fight for me. I was a recent college graduate without experience and he was a well-liked Vice President with years of experience. What I didn’t realize then was that my silence and the collective silence of the group gave him the courage and entitlement to behave badly. Two of my colleagues began to voice their concern for me and sometime later, they felt so uncomfortable on my behalf and reported him to Human Resources. I’m forever grateful for their courage to stand up for me when I didn’t have the courage to stand up for myself. By this time, I had found another job and I had turned in my two-week notice. HR did their due diligence with a thorough investigation and soon after, he was fired.

I spent the next year hiding behind baggy clothes, no make-up and hair in a bun. I wanted to be invisible, especially to the opposite sex. I felt so small and ashamed. Subconsciously, I was fighting to feel valued beyond my looks but I went about it completely wrong. When I cloaked myself, I silenced my intuition and I separated from my inner compass.

It took me a couple of years to find my footing again. And it took me much longer to stand in my power as a strong woman who’s not afraid to speak up. By going through this experience I was reminded by the importance of staying true to myself even if I was the minority in my beliefs. I was also reminded by people’s generosity of spirit and goodness. My colleagues had nothing to gain by reporting him to HR but they did it anyway because it was the right thing to do. The same goes for the two female leaders in HR who sat protectively by my side while the company’s lawyer questioned me for over an hour. Their anger on my behalf and compassion toward me will always be in my heart. They were disappointed I didn’t seek their help sooner but they understood why I remained silent. I wasn’t the first or last woman to fear retaliation for speaking up in a male dominant industry.

There were so many lessons from that experience. The most profound is realizing that God is always with us and works through people around us to protect us. He worked through my colleagues the day they reported our boss and he worked through HR as they virtually held me and did right by me by seeking the truth and then righting the wrong by firing him. God is always there. I didn’t see him or feel him during that time in my life because fear clouded my heart.

Being on a spiritual path or being awake doesn’t exempt us from life lessons, blind spots, self-doubt, betrayal or even moments of defeat and despair. What being awake does do is help us bounce back quicker from tough experiences, course correct before the train wreck happens and recognize the experience as a lesson to the path of enlightenment.

There was a time when bad experiences like the one I shared were weaved into my story. What’s worse, I felt these experiences defined my future. I couldn’t be more wrong. Our experiences are lessons for growth, not a life sentence as punishment for our mistakes.

Every single one of us has had at least one life altering experience that has shifted our perspective about the world around us. But the fact remains, our past doesn’t define our future in any way, shape or form. Our future is  co-created by us in collaboration with a higher power. There’s profound power in knowing that.

I hope my story served you in some capacity.

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