As we get closer to the release of Healing Together: A Guide for Helping Sexual Abuse Survivors, I thought I’d share some practical steps I’ve taken and found to be helpful as I’ve spent the last year and a half healing through the revival of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), a diagnosis I received in 2010 that was a direct result of my childhood clergy sexual abuse (you can read my story here, here, here, and here, and my victim impact statement I read Mark Aderholt (the man who abused me) at his sentencing just a couple of months ago.

Trauma affects us in every way: physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. Over the next week or so, I’ll share a few items that have helped me heal that you can begin to implement in your life as you see fit.

I’ve broken these down into those five areas, and I’m intentionally labeling them each as individual “selves,” i.e, physical self, emotional self, etc. Yes, trauma damages a person holistically, in every system, but so frequently survivors compartmentalize these various parts of who we are. Part of recovery is integrating them back together.

If we’re not in touch with our whole “self” yet, trying to heal a little in every area all at once can get messy and confusing and we can feel defeated. Have you ever tried to start eating healthy, go to counseling, involve yourself in community, or take on a new project at work all at once because you really want to get to feel like your old self? It’s a quick way to burn out (and when I burn out, it’s easy to ruminate on what a failure I perceive myself to be).

Going slow, evaluating what areas we’re most affected in, and taking one. step. at. a. time. will help us strengthen our weaker selves so we have the margin to continue healing and functioning in everyday life.

Today, we’re going to talk about our physical self.

In Healing Together, I write:

The body of a survivor suffers great harm. It was the body that was violated first. In any case, another person took what God created for his good and his glory and tarnished it with evil. God does not hold the survivor responsible for what happened to their body, and he sees him or her as pure. He grieves over the pain that was caused.

To survive the abuse physically and emotionally, survivors
often disassociate or disconnect from sensations in their bodies.
For survivors, being mindful and present in our bodies after
abuse has occurred is a difficult task and can cause anxiety.

Reconnecting with our bodies requires a lot of hard work, and
usually professional help.

Anne Marie Miller, Healing Together: A Guide for Supporting Sexual Abuse Survivors

Three things I have found tremendously helpful as I’ve tried to learn how to care for my physical self are:

Drink water. All the time. Pee twenty times a day. This is so important for your blood pH and electrolyte balance. I don’t like water. Find a way that you can tolerate if you’re like me. Drink, drink, drink.
Feeding my gut nutritious food, and not feeling like a failure when I eat the 682 calorie chocolate chip cooking at Panera: I’m not going to lie to you, so let’s get the elephant out first. I LOVE COOKIES. I love them more than most things in my life. They are my biggest dopamine providers. Panera has an almost 700 calorie cookie that is meant to be shared. I have eaten two of them in one sitting. Obviously, I know this should not be the norm and thankfully, I intentionally do not go to Panera often because I know that I will regret my choices.

I try and live by the 80/20 rule. 80% of my food is whole food (as close to the original way it was made), is plant-based (I am 100% vegetarian meaning no fish, white meat, red meat, any meat), and is colorful. Lately, I’ve been trying to find organic items that I can reasonably afford, and avoiding any seasonings or extra ingredients. I find when I eat this way, I feel amazing and I crave more nutritious food.

Notice that I didn’t say “good” food or “bad” food here. Food does not have an intrinsic moral value. The key is eating nutritious food. It requires more time, more effort, more planning, more cooking, and I understand that all those things are hard to step in when everything else is telling us it’s time to celebrate when we get out of bed and shower some days. I’ve found there is a paradoxical effect. The more time I take with grocery shopping, with reading the ingredients, with washing and prepping healthy things on Sunday evening (FWIW: that’s my worship service; you cannot immerse yourself in the colors and smells of God’s creation without being enamored), I find I have more time during the week to eat, enjoy, have healthy options (less regret), and that gives me space to walk in my week knowing my family will be fed, and I will be fed food that is meant to flood my blood with vitamins, heal damaged cells, keep my gut healthy and my immunity strong (usually not the case when we’re flooded with the stress hormone cortisol). I have more energy. I just feel better.

Some of the foods and beverages I’ve fallen in love with in this season are:

multicolored carrotsmulticolored cauliflowerradishesall the berries, apples, peaches, bananas (never go anywhere without a banana), cucumbers, sweet peppers, grapes (cotton candy grapes anybody?)strawberry caprese salads loaded with flax seeds and chia seeds and nuts; a little balsamic glaze on the sideoatmeal with fresh or baked fruit and loads of cinnamoncolumbian coffee with oat milk creamerusing veggie or lentil pasta (green lentil is the best) and mashed up chickpeas for the “meat” vibe in spaghetti saucemixed, whole grain rice stir-fried with whatever veggies I have chopped up, and baked tofu (it’s not gross, I promise)Keeping loads of fresh fruit and vegetables cut up and ready to eat in the fridge and on the counterSteamable plain veggies: super cheap, super easy, super good for you92% dark chocolate in the freezermashed avocado with hard-boiled egg (I recommend these if you occasionally eat egg since they’re more humane than most) on whole-grain toast (bonus if you can find one with seeds. My favorite is a Texas brandKombucha and other teasSome of my 20% foods are Morning Star Popcorn “chicken,” various meat-free pizza (Amy’s cheese), pad thai with vegan sauce, and quesadillas (made with whole wheat tortillas, vegetarian black refried beans, a teeny tiny sprinkle of cheese, microwaved and then grilled in a pan, topped with corn, sliced sweet peppers, guac, and plain almond milk yogurt), and Kashi Go Love chocolate granola

One other physical practice I’ve been slowly integrating is moving more. I don’t want to call it “exercise” because “exercise” conjures up pictures of gyms and people running outside and sweating and I am not that girl. I have tried to be that girl. I am not that girl. Introverted me found that intentionally waking up early (all the experts are right: the more you do it, the more you want to) and doing yoga all by myself, watching the sunrise, before my family wakes up. Yes, that is sometimes at 5:15 am but it has been worth it. Amazon Prime, as well as YouTube, have free yoga programs from beginner all the way to expert and some integrate HIIT training and others are gentle and modified for people with injuries. At night, after our daughter is in bed, I take the dogs out for 20-30 minutes walking around the quiet evening (pepper spray in hand because of hypervigilence). I try to do both of these things at least five times a week. I find I want to do them more. It’s the weirdest thing.

None of this is meant for weight loss. It’s not a way to drop a dress size before your cousin’s wedding or the holidays. If you look at it as taking very small steps to take care of you, the pressure is off. You go at your own pace. You do what’s reasonable for you. Eat 50/50. Walk once a week. Run a marathon. Whatever.

What’s surprised me with doing this over the last few months is how much I have slowed down and take time to find beauty around me. I have been awed by little flowers, immersed in the flavor of a blackberry, felt the tingle in my mouth from a kombucha, melted in a hot cup of perfectly balanced creamy coffee, saved frogs and lizards from their demise as potential dog treats on walks, and learned about what stars are shining bright on my walks.

I hope somehow these ideas that I’ve adopted into my daily habits can somehow be helpful to you. Everyone is different. Everyone needs different things. Let this list be a starting point for you. Find something your body needs, give your body that thing and celebrate that you are becoming healthier with each cucumber, attempt at downward-facing dog, or drinking that extra cup of water today.

As my counselor says: You got this.

Next up is Part 2: Mental Health.