Out of all the sunrises and sunsets that I’ve seen, I believe that this one is my favorite because it was one of those I didn’t go looking for.

Exactly a year ago, I laid in bed and told Alessia, “Life sucks.” But then I got up anyway and when I stepped outside, this was the fiery sky that greeted me.

It was a moment where I knew God was gently correcting me and reminding me how much love He’d shown me. How could life suck when every day was full of blessings?

That morning my circumstances didn’t change. My perspective did.

A year has passed since that sunrise. A lot has changed. I’ve cried a lot this year. More than I usually do.

During the first few weeks of this semester, I felt extremely overwhelmed by my circumstances. I remember one morning when I woke up at 5 to study and finish a paper. A lot of things happened that morning, and by 8 a.m., I was alone again in my room.

My laptop and a stack of books were next to me on my bed. I felt like throwing up. Not because I was sick—but because of how stressed out and worried I felt.

I started to sob. I curled up under a blanket and leaned against the wall. I cried until everything ached.

Then I grabbed my journal and wrote:

“Something is wrong inside me. I’m splintered. I’m wounded. I’m breaking apart. Every day I want to cry. I can’t take this—the pressure, the demands, the expectations—I don’t want any of it.

“Every day I’m falling before God’s throne, begging Him for strength. But no matter what steps I do or don’t take, I seem to be failing everyone around me. Yet when people look at my life, they are impressed. By what I’m not sure, because I’ve always been a wreck. Anyone who knows me can see what a mess I am.

“Yesterday, standing in the teacher’s room with Victoria, I had to subtly ‘fan’ myself with a test form to avoid crying. This happened five minutes before I walked into class and taught for the next two hours.”

Then I listed out 11 different situations or people that were causing me to worry.

I wrote, “but I have to find the strength. God keeps telling me to be strong and courageous! He will be with me . . .

“Okay, God. You see me struggling. You see the pain and hurt crippling me. I am overwhelmed. The waves are over my head and I can’t breathe.

“But I trust you.

“I will always trust you, no matter how hard this life gets.

“You are the Rock I turn to—You are the only one who sees the layers of worry and stress that try to tear me apart. I trust that I am right where you want me to be. I trust that these trials and sufferings will change me and challenge me.

“Grow me, Lord, whatever it takes that my heart might become more like yours.

“I pray for healing. My heart hurts right now, but I trust you with my emotions and my future. You know what’s best for me. I want to follow your leading in whatever I do.

“I pray for peace that I would not let worry take over my heart.

“Your will, not mine!”

Since I prayed this, I’ve gotten used to the classes I’m teaching and the ones I’m taking. And I can genuinely say that I love teaching. I make mistakes and mess up, but I greatly enjoy my job.

I spent this weekend in Orlando with my best friend, Alessia Flores. As we drove late into the night on Friday, I spent the first few hours playing loud music. I didn’t talk very much, which for me is rare. Usually I can’t stay quiet around the people who know me well.

But I didn’t talk because I felt like crying. And I was tired of crying. I’ve broken down so many times in the last few months, and I didn’t want to break down again.

As we drove, I struggled to breathe. Whenever I’m stressed out, I start to sound like Darth Vader because I suddenly forget how to breathe easily. This went on for a while as I sat there not-crying and not-talking, and thinking too much.

Alessia finally asked me, “What are you thinking?”

That’s a dangerous question to ask.

For a while, I couldn’t find the words. Then the tears came as we sped down the dark endless road to Orlando.

For the next half hour, I cried as we talked. Alessia helped me to sort through the chaos of emotions inside me. I realized what the problem was.

I feel alone. 

And I feel guilty for even thinking that because I’m surrounded by people who love me and people who I can invest and care for. Even more importantly, I am held close by a God who understands me and gave everything for me.

I’m the girl who really enjoyed solo-exploring Marseille every day for a month. I’m the girl who loved flying alone because it gave me time to write and think. When I’m stressed out, I escape to sit alone in coffee shops and bookstores. I woke up early in the morning so that I could be alone for hours before I had to face the demands of the day.

So how can I genuinely enjoy being alone, yet still feel lonely? 

And this is where I have to be extremely honest with myself. When I write, I strip away all pretenses and am left with a vulnerable, exposed soul. I’m left looking as weak as I feel inside.

That’s why I cannot write for others because I’d cover up my hurt. I have to write to process who I am and who I am becoming.

So here’s the truth.

I want to love and be loved.

Not just by God or by family or friends.

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of romantic love. I’m sure I fed this obsession with all the romantic books and songs and movies I consumed as I grew up.

But I believe that this desire started because of the love I watched my parents share.

My favorite question to ask a couple is how they met. The stories they tell are always unexpected and beautiful. What I wanted more than anything was to have my own story to tell. I wanted to find someone I could spend forever with. Someone who would laugh with me when things went wrong in life. Someone who would lay next to me before the world was awake and who would pray with me before we started our day.

But even though I had this strong desire, the thought of actually falling in love scared me.

From age 6, I started rejecting boys and kept the pattern up through the years. The boys who liked me couldn’t live up to the dreamy ideas in my little-girl imagination.

I assumed I would reach college and finally live out my own love story, like so many others seemed to. Instead I found myself falling into cycnism and bitterness as I continued to let fear decide for my heart. Again and again, I unintentionally lead guys on and then rejected them.

A year ago, I knew something was really wrong with my heart. I finally realized that I couldn’t trust a guy with my heart because I hadn’t trusted God with my heart. I had let fear take over in many areas of my life not just this one. So I spent months evicting fear from my heart. I worked hard to trust God and to satisfy the longings of my heart in Him alone.

The first six months of this year, I specifically focused on growing closer to God. I did not want to be driven by the desire for romantic love. God quieted my heart. I found peace and joy in my relationship with the One who loved me the most.

And for the first time, I wasn’t afraid to fall in love. 

But God still told me to wait. 

As soon as we graduated, many of my friends and classmates married and started posting their own wedding photos. I was happy for them, but my heart grew restless again. By the end of this year, my three closest friends will be married.

Over and over again, God told me to wait on Him and His timing. I kept reading Psalm 27:14 which says, “Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say on the Lord.”

I knew that I was right where He wanted me to be. I loved that I could spend hours with Him every morning. I knew there were so many people around me that I had the unique opportunity to care for and pray for. But under everything else that I was struggling with, my unfulfilled desire remained.

If I couldn’t have my own love story, then why did I still have this desire? Was it a sin to want more than the countless blessings God had filled my life with? Had this desire become an idol in my heart?

That night as we drove to Orlando, I realized that I may no longer be crippled by fears, but I was still struggling with loneliness. My desire was stopping me from fully focusing on the here and now.

Yesterday, I thought through it all and allowed myself to feel sad because of the many different things I had been struggling with, including this desire. I remembered the verse in Psalm 30 which says, “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”

I want joy to come and replace the loneliness that I have been struggling with.

The sadness inside me has driven me before God’s throne, and yes, I’ve found comfort and peace by His side. But every day the ache would come back. The heaviness would come at moments when I should’ve been happiest.

Last night my prayer mirrored Psalm 30:10 which says, “Hear, O Lord, and have mercy on me; Lord, be my helper!”

This semester, I’ve been waking up early every morning to watch the sunrise bring on the day. But for the first time, I realized that what I want more than a sunrise in the sky is a sunrise in my heart.

Last night I prayed, “Lord, I ask for a sunrise. I ask for your joy. I ask for your peace and strength. I don’t want to live in sadness. I don’t want to feel this loneliness anymore. I want to be able to shake free from these heavy feelings. I want to live joyfully, wildly, and to really invest in the people around me. Lord, I ask that you would give me a sunrise.”

I don’t know why I’ve always struggled with this desire. I don’t know why God keeps telling me to wait. Psalm 30:2 says, “O Lord my God, I cried out to You, and You healed me.” I have cried out to God and already He has begun to heal me. Even now God’s love eases the darkness out of my heart.

This morning I listened to Jeremy Camp’s new album. A few lines from his song “Wilderness” stood out to me.

”I’ve had seasons of goodness

Overflowing with life

But I’m no stranger to sorrow

Or a heart that wanders sometimes

I know the darkest night cannot outrun the sun”

A year ago today an unforgettable sunrise changed my perspective and challenged me. Today, a different kind of sunrise is taking over my life.

Maybe I’ll never have the love story I’ve wanted since I was little. But every day I wake up to the love of a God who created me and redeemed me. He pursues my heart and reminds me that my own dreams and desires will not satisfy the longings of my soul.

Only God can replace my loneliness with joy. 

I trust Him with my heart. I’m not going to let this unfulfilled desire steal my joy. I’m not going to waste today wishing for tomorrow. I’m not going to let bitterness replace my peace. 

I’ve felt a lot of sadness for many reasons this year. I’ve been knocked down by fear. I’ve fought to hold onto my own dreams. But I’ve also learned and grown a lot.

Almost every day this semester, I’ve woken up before the sun and walked under a still-dark sky as I read Psalms and listened to music that pointed me back to God. I’ve watched as the world changed from night to day.

Usually in the moment when I would give up on a sunrise, that’s when it would come. Quiet streaks of pink would cross the night sky, reminding me that the sun may not be here yet, but it was coming and would be here soon.

I was about to post this blog when I overheard Alessia playing the song “You’re Beautiful” by Phil Wickham.

The first few lines say,

God, you are beautiful. This world is beautiful. Whatever story You choose to write in our lives is beautiful. Thank you for every sunrise and sunset. My desire is for You. Thank you for the loneliness that reminds me I am never alone. Thank you for the unfulfilled desires that have brought my heart closer to yours.

This morning my circumstances didn’t change, but my perspective did.

Its been a long, lonely night, but this is my sunrise. Joy is on the horizon.